August 2020

Benjamin Hardy Shares Why Willpower Doesn’t Work And What We Should Do Instead To Get Results

Willpower Doesn’t Work (2018) draws on the premise that willpower isn’t the answer to success. Benjamin Hardy, the author, describes that focussing on changing the environment to achieve a goal rather than relying only on willpower is a better way of winning in life.

It is a widely accepted belief that we need willpower to accomplish our goals. Many books have been written about the positives of willpower and how one must harness it to succeed in life. Having willpower is a good thing, no doubt about that. But exercising willpower is no easy task, and the author suggests other ways to make it easier to achieve your goals.

Constantly reminding ourselves to exercise self-control is exhausting and it saps our energy. Before we know it, our willpower is weakened, and we give up. We must start the cycle of mustering willpower again, exercising self-control, and pushing harder than before. A cycle, that often leads to failure and giving in to short term temptations and instant gratifications.

How do we break this cycle? What if there is a way to achieve goals without needing willpower? Benjamin Hardy gives the following examples in the book to explain the same.

Example 1: The Obesity Epidemic

What is causing the obesity epidemic all over the world? Statistics show that most people in the world will suffer from obesity by 2025. What was different, say about 50 years ago? How did the general population remain fit and healthy, and not have so many lifestyle diseases? Did they have the willpower?

The answer is obviously not. What’s changed since then is our environment. Most of us sit at our desks all day and do work which hardly require any physical movement. And fast food and pre-packaged food is all the more available today, leading to convenience but also binging on unhealthy food. As the author puts it, it is our environment that has encouraged our weight gain, not a lack of willpower.

Example 2: Darwin’s Theory of Natural Evolution and Domesticated Evolution

Darwin’s theory of evolution states that we adapt to our environment to survive. He gives examples of natural evolution and domestic evolution. Natural evolution occurs when animals adapt to their environment in the wild.

Domesticated evolution refers to creating environments to influence adaptation to what humans desire. We have designed environments to domesticate animals. For example, we use chemical hormones for fatter livestock and enhance their feed. Their bodies have now adapted to those environments.

Similarly, we have domesticated ourselves to adapt to a sedentary lifestyle. Moreover, our food habits have become unhealthy, and we have adapted ourselves – physically and mentally – to our current lifestyles.

The author says we must focus on creating a healthy environment so that we have no choice but to adapt to it in a way we desire. When you change your environment, such as surrounding yourself with different people, your thoughts and emotions change. This can be applied to any area of our lives where we seek better results. Let us see how to do it.

1. Create Separate Spaces For Work And Play

Today, the lines separating work and play have blurred. Our offices have come into our homes. We don’t realize it, but it is a challenging task to keep ourselves from the distractions that are a result of such a mixed environment.

It is important to have a clear differentiation between work and play environments, where the play environment is created for relaxation and having a stress-free time, and the work environment is devoid of any distractions and is dedicated to only work.

Healthy levels of stress can have its fair share of benefits and can help one reach their full potential. Therefore, one should create a work environment that removes all distractions and enables one to perform and maximize productivity.

2. Allowing For ‘Peak Experiences’

We often get stuck in our environment and experience a mind-block. This can keep us from performing well, as well as achieving our goals. Changing the environment can lead to inspiration and a new sense of purpose. It has been proven that fresh ideas and creative breakthroughs come in the weirdest of places, like while taking a shower.

A ‘peak experience’ is where one experiences a heightened sense of perception leading to clarity in thought. We can create these breakthrough moments by changing our environment and developing a habit of creating these experiences by taking regular breaks like going out to take a walk in nature or doing something else for a while.

3. Remove Dead Weight And Acting Now

What is deadweight? Deadweight is anything that shifts your focus and wastes your time from things that are needed to reach your goal. Often, we indulge ourselves in succumbing to the distractions of deadweight. These could be unimportant tasks that we give importance to or even games on our smartphones. Having too many choices at hand is also deadweight. It leads us to make uncertain decisions and focus unnecessarily on the details of all those choices.

By making the decision to remove dead weight from our lives, we simply take away the temptation to succumb, and the need for willpower and self-control. To remove dead weight, it is essential to act now. Procrastinating in doing that will only throw us back into the vicious cycle of willpower, self-control, and failure.

For example – Is there food in your fridge that you know is unhealthy? Throw it out now – it’s dead weight. When you do this, decision making becomes easier.

4. Stay On Track With Implementation Intentions

Implementation intentions (or premortems, as Daniel Kahneman calls them) is a strategy of foreseeing failure of a future goal to analyze what could cause it. Analyzing the causes of failure helps us to make better decisions and avoid failure.

Implementation intentions can also help identify the threshold of quitting. If one can identify when they want to quit, they can try to push harder to achieve their goal until they reach that threshold.

5. Changing The Environment By Use Of Forcing Functions

Exercising willpower to achieve a goal requires forcing yourself, and nobody likes that. People prefer to do things voluntarily, and at their own pace. This leads to the vicious cycle of willpower, self-control, and failure.

Forcing functions are self-imposed changes in our environments to align us with our goals. They can be used positively to change the environment rather than requiring willpower. Forcing functions factor in non-negotiable changes in the environment that give us the push to achieve our goals rather than using willpower.

The author Benjamin Hardy gives the example that if you want to be more present with your family after work, you should leave your phone in the car. That way, taking calls and answering texts isn’t even an option, and this is a forcing function.

Key Message

We can think creatively, use implementation intentions, forcing functions, and remove dead weight from our environment to bring about desirable changes. Changing our environment results in the effective and timely achievement of goals without needing willpower.

Aug 30, 2020
How To Respond To Anger Like The Adults We Are Supposed To Be?
In my previous article on anger, we saw that anger hides what we care about. If we look deeper and take the time to introspect, anger can tell us what we really value, and which value has been violated that resulted in the anger. Anger can communicate a lot of important information, but only if we are willing to listen.

Can you control the emotion of anger? NO. Can you control how you respond to it? YES

Life is unpredictable, and you can’t stop yourself from getting angry or frustrated at times, but can you control how you respond to it?

Do you think you can’t control your reaction when angry?

The truth is that anger is not the culprit behind this feeling of helplessness. It is our inability to understand and handle it. We banish anger and put a leash around it – by terming it as wrong, immoral, bad to talk about, bad to feel, etc. Rarely do we educate ourselves and our children about what anger really is and how to deal with it.

Anger has a lot of energy, and it is up to us to use it destructively or productively. We can allow anger to reveal the love and care beneath it. We can allow anger to strengthen ourselves and our relationships. To do this we have to be willing to be vulnerable and listen to our anger. And there is a lot of power in that vulnerability.

“Remember not only to say the right thing in the right place, but far more difficult still, to leave unsaid the wrong thing at the tempting moment.”
― Benjamin Franklin

The Primitive Way of Responding To Anger

There are 2 primitive ways of responding to anger:-

1. Suppression

People respond to anger in different ways. You can suppress it, try to hide it, or you can just go silent and not say anything. If you do that, it leads to stress, bad health and can be the cause of major diseases in the future. And suppression never really works because people around us can see we are angry or frustrated. People close to us can always see through our masks. When we suppress our anger and other emotions, we lose the vitality of life. Suppressing anger is like drinking poison and then expecting somebody else will die. Even if we can suppress anger very well, it keeps on building inside us and will end up in an explosion sooner or later. The more we suppress the bigger the explosion will be.

2. Explosion

The second way people react to anger is by exploding and causing a lot of damage. The damage can be to yourself, to the people around you, and to your relationships. When you explode in anger, you can lose control and get carried away. And an out of control human being is a very dangerous thing. In such a situation, we often end up doing something which we regret later. This could range from saying harsh words to using physical violence to harm ourselves or others.

Can you put anger into productive use?

The Human Way of Responding To Anger

We may be primates, but we need not be primitive. One thing that separates our species from other animals is that we can choose our response despite our circumstances. We, as human beings, have the capability to go beyond our impulsive emotional reaction to choose a reaction that suits our long term needs better. The primitive way of reacting to anger does give a short term instant gratification, but it can cause long term damage.

The perfect way to express anger is to express it according to our values, and it is also the key to releasing the positive energy of anger. The earlier we can express our anger, the less damaging it will be – for us and the people around us. You can’t always control if something will irritate and frustrate you, but you can always control how you respond to it. Don’t focus on what made you angry, focus on how you want to react. Let’s see how can we do that.

1. Controlled Explosions

To manage our anger better, we can have mini controlled explosions. Just like bomb squads do controlled explosions to limit the damage of an unexploded bomb, we can express our rage by shouting or screaming in private. We can write a letter where we can express our anger and vent out everything we are keeping bottled inside us. Obviously, we should never send this letter, and it makes sense to just destroy it afterward. Just the act of writing what you feel will make you feel better. These are not perfect solutions, they can still help us to defuse an otherwise alarming situation.

2. In The Heat of The Moment – Be Aware of Your Anger

What we can do in the heat of the moment is to be aware of our anger and not get sucked into reacting impulsively. We can focus on our breathing, and on what is happening in our body because of the anger. There are often physical symptoms of anger like a racing heart, and being present to these changes can help reduce them. You always have the power to choose how to respond to anger, and you do that by being present to and taking control of what is happening in your body.

Exploding In Anger Often Leads to Regret Later On

One way of being aware of what is going on in your body without reacting is to detach ourselves from the situation. You can take a break from whatever you are doing – take a walk and get yourself moving. If you’re inside a building, try to get outside and get some fresh air. Within a few minutes, you will start to feel better. Moving our body physically reduces stress and the level of the stress hormone – cortisol. It has been clinically proven that exercise improves not just our bodily metabolism, but also our spirits. A little exercise can prevent things from going outside of your control.

3. What To Do When You Have Calmed Down?

Every now and then it is important to remember and revisit our values. As they will determine how you want to act in the face of anger. A good question to ask yourself is – How do you want to act in anger so that you don’t regret it later on?

We can learn to communicate and express our anger in a way we can be proud of. We can do that by not jumping to conclusions when our emotions are triggered. Research has proven that we don’t make good decisions when we are angry or in a heightened emotional state. Hence, it would be prudent not to believe what comes to our mind in such a state. We can make better decisions by slowing down, sleeping over it, and giving it time before making any life-changing decisions.

“Speak when you are angry and you will make the best speech you will ever regret.”
― Ambrose Bierce

Once we are calmer, we can listen to what others have to say without getting defensive. Everyone is entitled to their point of view, no matter how different it is from ours. It is very important to let others make their own choices, and not force our opinions on them. When you do that, people naturally tend to push back creating further friction and frustration.

To make the most of the energy present in anger, we should remind ourselves of our values and seek win-win solutions together with people. Commit to finding a mutually agreeable solution rather than winning your argument and proving yourself right. At such moments, it is important to work with people, not against each other. Even if you prove yourself right or win an argument, give others an opportunity to save face.

Don’t embarrass or humiliate people even when you know you’re right. Seek solutions where two plus two become five, where the sum is greater than the sum of the parts.

4. Using Humor

Humor is another way to defuse anger. The more you suppress or hide anger, the stronger it gets on the inside. Humor can help you look at a situation lightly, and help others relax too. The humor that comes out of deep emotional suffering can help you build connections with people. Humor loosens the grip of anger on our bodies and brings a smile to our face, which can be seen as diametrically opposite of anger.

Humor allows us to see the big picture and the comedy in life. While life can be and is often painful, humor can prevent us from taking ourselves too seriously. Most stand-up comedians know this well, and that is they joke about our biggest challenges and problems. Laughing at a problem or a tough situation not only heals our bodies and souls but also empowers us for the future. Humor gives you power over your anger, instead of letting your anger have all the power.

The best type of humor is self-deprecating humor. Don’t take yourself too seriously. Anger can hide our blind spots, which when seen from a different perspective, can make you laugh. And above all, it feels a lot better to laugh than to hate and cuss.

“Anger is an acid that can do more harm to the vessel in which it is stored than to anything on which it is poured.”
― Mark Twain

What To Do If Damage Has Already Been Done?

Sometimes we can’t stop ourselves from venting in anger, and it is already too late for the above steps. In that case, it is important to apologize and fix the damage – as soon as we can see it.

A Powerful Apology

A powerful apology is sincere, responsible, and makes amends for the future. You express your apology by saying what are you sorry for. Clearly state what happened and how you reacted to anger. Take full responsibility for what you did without blaming anyone else, the situation, or the emotion. It’s very powerful, though not easy, to say, “There’s no excuse for my behavior, and I take full responsibility for how I acted.” However, do it only if you can do it sincerely. There is nothing more offending than an insincere apology. If you are still holding a grudge, it can further damage the relationship.

Once you have apologized sincerely, give the other person the choice to accept your apology or not. Be patient. You can never force an apology onto others. People might take time to come around and trust you again. Or they never might. Be ok with it. Own what you did and its consequences.

The last step is to make a fresh and sincere promise to make amends. What will you do differently the next time? How will you clean up the mess caused by your anger? It is often a good idea to ask the offended person what you can do to undo the damage. Make a sincere promise and then live up to it. You will lose trust if you mess up again. People are often willing to give everyone a second chance. But a third chance is rare.

In conclusion, anger can be poetically beautiful if we can see its value. Anger is an emotion that connects us all. Its what makes us human and everyone gets angry at one point or another. We can learn to see the lighter side of it, laugh over our mistakes, and learn from them. At the same time, it is important to realize that anger is just another natural human emotion and we should not beat ourselves over it. Instead, if we can make a powerful apology and live up to our promises, it can be a wonderful opportunity to use the energy of anger to strengthen your relationships and to set an example for others to follow.

Resources
Aug 25, 2020
Issue #7, 20 Aug 2020

Welcome to the Deploy Yourself Newsletter. Every two weeks I share about what impactful coaching and leadership look like. I also share the most insightful lessons and stories I encountered in the last two weeks. You can also read this issue online.

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Love People, Not Things; Use Things, Not People

The above line is the first line of every notebook I use, whether digital or physical. It is a simple reminder that I started using a while ago to remind myself of my deepest value – love and care. Today when I was thinking about the central message for this newsletter, this line was sitting on top of my digital notebook and staring at me. So here we go – Love People, Not Things. Use Things, Not People.

If we look at the big picture, people are always more important than things. All materialistic things have been created by humans. Never has any materialistic thing created a human being. Things can always be replaced – houses can be rebuilt, lost possessions can be regained but the people in our lives are never replaceable.

During tough times, it is always the people in our lives who help us weather the storms and never our possessions. Yet how easy it is to get attached to our jobs, money, and ‘what we can buy‘ when the real joys of life are always free?

Progress in science, technology, and industry has completely transformed the quality of life we live today. But it is important to remember that all materialistic progress was only created to serve us and make our lives better, not the other way round.

If what you read above made you realize something deep, hit reply, and share the insight that you had?

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Articles and Stories Which Have Fascinated Me

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One

What Your Coworkers Need Right Now Is Compassion?

“My coworkers and I don’t see the world in the exact same way and that’s OK.

We have different ways of coping with uncertainty, grief, and stress.

They are under pressures that I don’t always see and can’t fully understand (and probably aren’t entirely my business).

It’s not helpful to me or to them to compare our challenges.

We are all doing the best we can.

It’s not always easy to be patient and understanding, especially with everything going on. But I’m going to keep trying because it’s what my coworkers and I deserve.”

From an article on HBR titled What Your Coworkers Need Right Now Is Compassion

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Two

Why Empathy Might Be The Most Important Human Ability?

To walk in another person’s shoes is to shift perspective, and to see and feel the world as another sees and feels it. What I mean by feeling as another person is that you must learn to not only see things intellectually from someone else’s point of view but also to feel the same emotions that the other person feels. This might mean feeling scared, tearful, or elated depending on the situation, and understanding on a profound level what has made the other person feel this way.

Researchers have found that when we feel another person suffering, it activates not only the visual cortex in the brain but also our emotions and physical sensory receptors. Imagine witnessing someone get a paper cut: you not only sympathize with their pain, but you might also wince, or draw your own hand back involuntarily. You can almost feel the slice happening to you.

Conflicts don’t occur because of different perceptions, not exactly. Rather, conflicts occur because of our inability to step outside of our own perspective and acknowledge the other person’s point of view. And this is why I believe that seeing and understanding different points of view is a superpower for those who possess it. Friction should be between points of view, not between people. Empathy allows us to escape unnecessary stress from friction in relationships.

From an article from my desk titled Can We Walk In Another Person’s Shoes?

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Three

“Of all the things that sustain a leader over time, love is the most lasting. It’s hard to imagine leaders getting up day after day, putting in the long hours and hard work it takes to make extraordinary things happen, without having their hearts in it.

The best-kept secret of successful leaders is love: staying in love with leading, with the people who do the work, with what their organizations provide, and with those who honor the organization by using its products and services. Leadership is not an affair of the head. Leadership is an affair of the heart.”

From one of the most powerful leadership book I have read – The Leadership Challenge by James M. Kouzes and Barry Z. Posner

That’s it for now. If you have any questions, just hit reply. All the best,

Sumit

(Twitter) @SumitGupta
(LinkedIn) Connect

Aug 20, 2020
Why True Joy and Real Happiness Doesn’t Come from Winning But From A Dignified Struggle?

Winning and Losing Is Everywhere

Most of us grow up in this world in a culture where the idea of winning and losing is omnipresent. Movies often celebrate the victory of the good over the evil. We cheer for our teams in sports when they win. We strive to get better grades in school and outsmart each other. We aim to get admitted to the best universities and find jobs in the best companies to one-up our peers.

Add to this the constant stream of news and media which only seems to focus on big wins or failure. No wonder most of us grow up believing that winning is what we should aim for, and that is what will give us true joy and happiness.

We are so obsessed with winning that we try to see everything in our lives as a game that we have to win. So our career becomes a game, which restaurant we go to dinner becomes a game, which schools our kids go to becomes a game, how big a house to buy becomes a game, and so on.

We take great pleasure and stoke our egos whenever we outsmart our peers in such “games” of everyday life. Winning in friends and family circles could mean having the latest gadgets, drinking the most beers, or some other weird definition of a “game“. But no matter how you see it, winning and losing is everywhere.

True Joy Doesn’t Come from Winning But From A Dignified Struggle

How Much Can You Win Anyways? And Is It All Worth It?

Winning is rare though because if everyone is playing games in different areas of life, there can be only so many winners. And even for those who “win” the big games of life, happiness often remains elusive. I have seen people win big in sports, career, or friends and yet end up feeling empty, meaningless, and drained.

Have you ever felt something similar? Like you feel nothing after you get what you have been working towards all this while. If I reflect on my life I can certainly see some such empty victories. Acing an exam in my high school, nailing a job interview, getting promoted ahead of others, buying a house, finishing many an important work project are some which come to mind. Even though I might have celebrated after each of these “victories“, it never led to long term happiness or joy.

What Causes Real Joy and Satisfaction?

Yet there are moments in my life when I have felt true joy and a deep sense of satisfaction, irrespective of whether I have found victory in the end or not. There have been moments when I have felt completely exhausted and confused, and yet, felt surprisingly alive and content. For example – the 2.5 years I spent working on my startup SaleRaja was immensely satisfying despite it not being a commercial success. Similarly, I still remember the hard work I did during the first few years of my working career in 99acres as immensely joyful despite there being a mix of failures and successes.

In the last 5 years, I have spent countless hours roaming the streets of Amsterdam photographing the city without any intention of achieving an objective or a goal. These long hours of walking have given me tremendous joy and satisfaction as I learned a lot, despite it being physically painful on many occasions. I will never forget the 2 hours I walked in Amsterdam in -8 degree Celcius weather in Feb 2018. Despite the tremendous discomfort of the bone-chilling cold, I still look at the photos I took that day with pride and joy.

“The harder the conflict, the more glorious the triumph. What we obtain too cheap, we esteem too lightly; it is dearness only that gives everything its value. I love the man that can smile in trouble, that can gather strength from distress and grow.”

― Thomas Paine

If Winning Doesn’t Make You Happy, Then What Does?

Over the years, I have realized that it is never just winning that makes us happy. It is always overcoming obstacles while going through a period of struggle or discomfort which leaves us feeling joyful and satisfied. Research has also shown that we are at our most blissful state when we are up against a difficult challenge.

When we push our boundaries and focus completely on learning from setbacks encountered, we get into a state of “flow“. Being in this state enhances our ability to focus, and is characterized by the release of dopamine and norepinephrine. In other words, we enjoy the most when we are swept away and lose track of time while working on a hard challenge.

If you reflect back on your life and think of moments where you grew dramatically, either in one specific skill or as a person, you will recognize that the growth came out of a situation where you overcame something challenging. It would be a period where you got a bit roughed up and took a few blows, but yet persisted and eventually made it through.

And when you came out on the other side, you were a different / better person. You grew not just in your abilities or skills, but also in your confidence and wisdom. If you have had such an experience you know what living to its fullest really means.

It’s Not What You Get. It’s What You Become

I must add that the joy or the bliss of the state of flow comes not from the challenge of winning, but from the challenge of doing what is hard but at the same time worthwhile. So stop tackling challenges that are too easy. Pick up a project or a game which you are excited about, and one which will be challenging for you. Then work hard and push yourself to the limits of your abilities.

You might feel frustrated, tired, and confused at times, and yet you will notice being completely alive. The end result is immaterial to this joy I am talking about. It is more about playing and loving the process that brings us joy.

The best outcome of success when you go through a dignified struggle is never what you get out of it. The best outcome of going through such a challenge is what you become out of it. The medal, the bonus, and the adrenaline rush at the podium often go away in a fleeting moment. But your enhanced skills, abilities, and confidence will stay with you for the rest of your lives. And not just that, it will get compounded as you play more big games in the future.

“This is the true joy in life, the being used for a purpose recognized by yourself as a mighty one; the being thoroughly worn out before you are thrown on the scrap heap; the being a force of Nature instead of a feverish selfish little clod of ailments and grievances complaining that the world will not devote itself to making you happy.”

― George Bernard Shaw

This is Why We Admire The Underdogs

Going after a hard but meaningful goal, even with struggles on the way, is the reason we admire people who have gone through difficult challenges and overcome them in their personal or professional lives. It is the reason we rejoice when we see our favorite player or team come from behind and win a game. It is the reason we root for those who get knocks on their flesh and bones in sports and still carry on.

It is the reason we remember those players who have had short careers but were full of challenges and who came out bruised on the other side. It is the reason we cheer and cry for firefighters and police officers who die on the job rescuing or saving someone else.

So What Can You Do?

If you are playing too safe or lacking meaning and joy in your life, you know what to do. Your big game is out there waiting for you. You just need to embrace the challenge and go after a problem that would be worth dedicating your time and effort. It might not be easy, it might even be scary and challenging, but the process of overcoming those challenges is exactly what will make it worthwhile and leave you with true joy and fascination. It is never too late to start playing.

I will end with a question.

What in your life is “on hold”? What have you been waiting for?

Aug 20, 2020
3 Ways Strong Leaders Manage Intimidating Employees With Poise and Confidence

If you are a leader or manage a team, it is not uncommon to come across someone in your team who intimidates you. This might be because they are better than you in a particular skill and that brings your insecurities to the fore. Or it might be because the person might be overly assertive, has temperament issues and you are trying to avoid conflict.

The first of the above reasons above to feel intimidated is a good one. You should always have people in your team who are better than you in certain skills. That is what makes a strong team. On the other hand, if you never feel intimidated by the expertise of people in your team, maybe you are not hiring the right people.

The second reason, though, if left unaddressed, can have a massive impact on the culture and performance of the whole team. As human beings, we all tend to psychologically avoid conflict and create harmony. But overly aggressive people can take advantage of that unless you know where to draw the line.

Below are 3 situations in which we, as leaders, might have to deal with and manage an intimidating employee:-

Situation 1 – Employee Has Skillset That You Don’t Have

Good managers hire people who are better than them in different skillsets, so they know it is nothing to feel insecure about. When they do feel insecure (which they will feel because it is human nature to do so) they are self-aware to recognize it in themselves. They are then brave to be vulnerable and share the same with the employee (or the entire team).

A good leader will ask the employee to share his/her expertise and lead in this niche area, while the leader can provide support when required to help them do their job. This will make the employee feel good about their skill and give them opportunities and encouragement to grow further.

If they still feel intimidated or feel they can’t understand what the employee is talking about, a good leader will ask the employee to be understanding and explain things slowly and in simpler language. They also make it clear that learning to do so will help the employee build much-needed skills to communicate their ideas to a more general audience.

Good leaders are confident and not weak or fidgety. They understand everyone brings different skillets to the table, and are comfortable in their own skin.

Situation 2 – Employee Has Anger Issues and Sometimes Explodes

Good leaders make it clear that exploding in anger and saying unworthy things or using bad language is not acceptable, irrespective of how good people are at their job. They make it clear that doing so repeatedly will have consequences, even leading to dismissal. And strong managers keep their word and are strong enough to take disciplinary action when required.

They do so because they know that tolerating bad behavior sets the wrong example and can be detrimental to the culture and morale of the team. If this happens, then it is very difficult to fix and can impact the performance of the entire team.

Know Your Values. Know What You Stand For

Having said that, good managers are empathetic and listen attentively to the source of the anger. They get to the root of the problem and fix any process or other issues that might cause frustration for people, and the anger to arise in the first place. Just being a disciplinarian without being supportive never works.

Ideally, a good leader should notice any build-up of emotions in his/her people during regular interactions and 1-on-1’s and take action before the emotions lead to an explosion in anger. The best time to repair damage from an emotional storm is before the storm, not after it.

Good managers coach their people to handle their emotions in a way that is constructive – without suppressing or exploding. They understand that emotional intelligence is an important skill, and take an emotional outburst as a teaching/coaching opportunity to help others step up their Emotional Intelligence game.

Situation 3 – Employee Doesn’t Listen Because They Think They Know Better

Good managers create workplaces where listening and respecting each other for their skills is an important value. Even if people know better, they are expected to listen to different opinions with empathy and express themselves without attitude or arrogance.

Good leaders don’t tolerate awesome jerks, and let people know that they are accountable for how they do their work, and not just what they do. They are strong enough to take action when required and understand that tolerating a jerk never works in the long term as it destroys team culture.

On the other side, good managers know that everyone has different styles of communication. They give people the freedom to express themselves in their own unique way as long as they don’t cross certain boundaries. They give others a chance to improve or adapt their communication so that it does not hurt the culture of the team.

Good managers help/coach others to be better communicators. Everyone can have different styles of communication, but the objective remains the same – to express themselves, to persuade others, or to share an important message. Everyone can learn to become better communicators as it will help them do their jobs more effectively.

“Because one believes in oneself, one doesn’t try to convince others. Because one is content with oneself, one doesn’t need others’ approval. Because one accepts oneself, the whole world accepts him or her.” – Lao Tzu

Conclusion

Doing all of the above is only possible when a strong leader knows their values and what they stand for. Being comfortable in your own skin is the first step in deciding when to intervene and when to let people do what they want. As a leader, it is always a fine line between autonomy and management.

You want to give your team maximum autonomy and keep the management and control to a minimum. It helps to get the team involved proactively to jointly come up with team values and preferred ways to communicate. People are more likely to follow any guidelines and boundaries if they themselves created them.

Once these values are clear to everyone, good leaders lead by example. They live by and uphold these values – even if that means having uncomfortable conversations at times. If you are new to leadership, it might be uncomfortable to do so, but soon you learn to handle such situations with the poise and confidence of a strong leader.

Aug 15, 2020
5 Unconscious Ways We Limit Our Own Freedom
I still remember that morning of excitement. It was supposed to an relaxing long drive in my new car, but I had no idea how the day would turn up. As I started the engine and pushed down on the accelerator, I got busy admiring the posh interiors and the sophisticated dashboard of my car. As soon as I got on the highway, I turned on the cruise control mode so that the car can drive itself while I was free to admire the views of the snow-capped mountains ahead.

Over 20 odd kilometers away, I felt something was off. So I decided to take back control from the cruise control and accelerate. But to my surprise, I felt a lack of power. I pushed on the accelerator and didn’t get the speed I expected from my brand new car. I continued to struggle in disbelief to get some power for the next 50 kilometers when I smelled a burning odor.

“Damn”, I said as I started to look for the … yes .. the hand brake. There it was, and as I grabbed and released the brake, I felt that power which had eluded me so far. But by then the smelling odor (from the brake pads) was strong enough that I decided to turn back and head to the mechanic. In the end, my car’s brakes needed replacement and ended up costing me a good amount. My thoughts then moved from my new car’s brilliance to my lack of it.

Are you living your life with your hand-brakes on without realizing it? Are you struggling to get the power in your life which you know you can? Do you wonder why your life looks so constrained and limited in this age of freedom and abundance?

“Let go of certainty. The opposite isn’t uncertainty. It’s openness, curiosity, and a willingness to embrace paradox, rather than choose upsides. The ultimate challenge is to accept ourselves exactly as we are, but never stop trying to learn and grow.” ― Tony Schwartz

In this article, I will share how freedom is a state of mind, and the many ways we unconsciously restrict it. Freedom is not something to be given by others. People are as free as they want to be. However, it is very easy to be un-free, and most of the time we do not even realize that we are limiting our own freedom.

As Daniel Kahneman points out in the book “Thinking, Fast and Slow” our fast and unconscious thinking brain helps us survive by making quick decisions. It is then a paradox that the same part of our brain limits our freedom in so many ways before we can consciously intervene and make our own choices. Conscious thinking and reasoning is very tiring for our brains, and hence most of our decisions are made unconsciously or in our brain’s autopilot mode.

You Are As Free As You Want To Be

Our unconscious mind control far more of our decision making than we can imagine. Let’s find out 5 unconscious ways in which we limit our own freedom :

1. We are not clear about what we want, and just continue to go by what we see in the world or what society expects from us. We have never taken the time to define what “freedom” really means and the kind of life we would like to have for ourselves. We never sit down to think consciously of what our “ideal” life would look like. We never set our own boundaries and rules, and unconsciously accept what is the “norm” around us. We let the attachment to a certain way of life, and a desire for money and possessions come in the way of defining our own ideal definition of life and success.

“We live in an age when unnecessary things are our only necessities.” ― Oscar Wilde

2. We are unaware of our own limiting beliefs. The language that we use and the thoughts that we think has a huge impact on how we show up in life. What do you believe and communicate about your abilities and the kind of life you want? Are those abilities good to create the kind of life you really want?

3. We don’t execute our plans. We get lost in the details or get used to mediocrity. We allow procrastination to come in the way and accept the reasons of our circumstances and obligations. We don’t hold ourselves accountable for what we said we will do. We will always have reasons why we can’t do anything. Our unconscious mind presents us with these reasons to keep us safe and to ensure our survival. But it is up to us to believe these reasons as truth and stop moving ahead, or consciously find ways around these reasons to reach our destination.

4. We don’t aim big enough. We settle for too low. And then we blame ourselves for achieving less than what we know deep inside we are capable of. We play small as everyone around us is doing the same. Playing small is easy as we don’t get unwanted attention and questions. Unless we consciously aim for what really makes us feel alive, we will never know what we are capable of. We deprive the world of our full self-expression and what we can achieve if we were to play the game of life with complete freedom. The psychologist Abraham Maslow called this the Jonah complex – “… the “fear of one’s own greatness” or the “evasion of one’s destiny” or the “running away from one’s own best talents.”

“Our deepest fear is not that we’re inadequate, Our deepest fear is that we’re powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness, that most frighten us. But our playing small doesn’t serve the world. There’s nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won’t feel insecure around you.” – Marianne Williamson

5. We don’t ask for help when we need to. We keep our true desires, challenges, and ambitions inside us because we have no idea how to realize them. We are too scared to show the world our brilliance because it might invite unconscious reactions of hate, envy, and humor. So we take our own unconscious decision to fit when what we really ought to do is to stand out. We think that we are all alone and never look for the right mentor or coach who can guide us and help us along the way.

We Limit Our Own Freedom Unconsciously

Conclusion

Your unconscious and limiting beliefs stop yourself “to be” in the world. It is not “you” if you are not free. You might be breathing but you are not living. If you allow your unconscious mind to limit your choices in life, you will endlessly worry without finding out if you are on the right path or not. Being scared or feeling anxious about our deep desires is normal (from both the psychological and neuroscience point of view), but the real opportunity and power lie beyond them. And the amount of unconscious resistance you face from within can give you a measure of the real potential you have kept locked inside and which is waiting to be unleashed.

Go ahead and give yourself full permission to acknowledge your own unique gifts. Give yourself the freedom to play, laugh, and fully express yourself without any fear or apprehensions. Act in a way that allows your own unique light to shine upon the world, instead of following the path others have decided for you.

Resources
1. https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/passion/201903/why-we-play-small
2. https://www.brainpickings.org/2018/04/17/erich-fromm-escape-from-freedom/
Aug 10, 2020
Issue #6, 6 Aug 2020

Welcome to the Deploy Yourself Newsletter. Every two weeks I share about what impactful coaching and leadership look like. I also share the most insightful lessons and stories I encountered in the last two weeks. You can also read this issue online.

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Are You Looking For The Right Things?

A person wanted to move to a new town with his family so he visited the local gas station in the new town and asked the attendant “What kind of people live in this town?”

“Well”, the attendant replied, “what kind of people live back where you are from?”

The visitor replied, “They are selfish, mean and dishonest”.

The attendant answered, “You will find the people here like that, too.”

A few days later another man stopped by the gas station with the same question. “I am thinking of moving here. What kind of people live around here?”

Again the attendant asked, “Well, what kind of people live back where you are from?”

The man thought for a moment and said, “I found them to be kind, decent, and honest.”

The gas station attendant answered, “You will find the people here like that, too.”

Isn’t it so true? You often find what you go looking for. Are you looking for the right things – in the people around you, in the company you work for, in your neighbors, or in your politicians?

If this story struck a chord with you or made you realize something deep, hit reply, and share the insight that you had?

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Articles and Stories Which Have Fascinated Me

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One

7 Empathetic Questions To Ask At Work to Understand And Support Your Colleagues

I have often been surprised by how much we can hide beneath our fake smiles and phony appearances. As a leader, the ability to uncover the hidden and provide support can be the difference between success and failure.

One way to uncover important issues is to ask powerful questions regularly. These questions require original answers which often leads to introspection and being vulnerable. Below are 7 such Empathetic Questions which you can ask:-

1. “You don’t seem yourself today. Would you like to take a break and chat?”

2. If you notice someone angry or frustrated, you can calmly say – “You sound upset. Is that because of something I did? Let me know if I can help anyway.”

3. “What can I do to help? How can I (or the organization) support you?” You can ask this question when you see a person sad or dejected.

4. If you know someone is going through a personal crisis, you can politely ask. “I know you are going through a tough time. If you want to talk about it, I am willing to hear you out and help in any way possible?”

5. “I can’t even imagine how hard it must be for you. I want you to know that I and the organisation appreciate the way you have responded to the situation. If there is anything else I can do to support you, let me know?”

6. “I am sorry for what you are going through right now. I know you are a fighter and will come back stronger from this. Can I be of any help?“

7. “I would hate to see you burn out. Are you taking care of yourself? Is there anything I can do?”

From my article titled 7 Empathetic Questions To Ask At Work to Understand And Support Your Colleagues

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Two

Good Enough Is Just Fine

Good Enough is not shitty work. It’s not a half-assed attempt to create something just to get it out there. It’s not about releasing work that you know needed more time and thought. Instead, Good Enough is when you’ve done the hard work to get it to 95%, but you understand that it’s okay to let it go. It’s the ability to recognize that 100% is a construct of the mind, and pursuing it will take you away from exploring other areas of interest.

Good Enough is when you know that the work isn’t perfect, but it still respects the intellect of your audience. It’s not exactly what you envisioned, but it’s still damn good enough to deserve their investment of attention. As a creator, you will never feel that your work is complete. You can only get it to a point where it feels right to let it go. And letting go is the only way to start something else that will further your creative progress.

Good Enough is what allows us to move on and try again.

From an article titled Good Enough Is Just Fine by Lawrence Yeo

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That’s it for now. If you have any questions, just hit reply. All the best,

Sumit

(Twitter) @SumitGupta
(LinkedIn) Connect

Aug 6, 2020
10 Powerful Connection Questions to Connect with Employees on a Deeper Level
Do your conversations seem artificial and meaningless? Do you find it difficult to go beyond niceties and connect with your employees? What do you do when the answers you get are rote, scripted, and hide the “real” stuff underneath them?

The innocuous “How are you?” at the start of a conversation often begets a rote and scripted response like “I am fine,” or “I am doing good.” which is more of a conversation stopper than a conversation starter. Let us get serious and ask deeper conversation questions that prompt reflection and make space for deeper connections with people we care about. We must always ask a question out of curiosity and care, and never out of obligation and norm.

Every 2 weeks I share my most valuable learnings from living life fully in my Deploy Yourself Newsletter. Sign up now to download a workbook with 164 Powerful Questions which I use daily in my work and coaching. Allow these questions to transform your life and leadership.

Research has shown that people with deep relationships are healthier, happier, and live longer. Conversely, a lack of good relationships is associated with worse physical and mental health. The famous author Brene Brown says, “A deep sense of love and belonging is an irresistible need of all people. We are biologically, cognitively, physically, and spiritually wired to love, to be loved, and to belong. When those needs are not met, we don’t function as we were meant to.”

How Well Do You Really Know Your Employee?

You owe it to yourself to break the logjam of meaningless conversations and connect with employees on a deeper level. You can do that by asking some powerful connection questions – that will add meaning, purpose, and joy to your relationships. The below questions will reveal something real about a person’s life, character, and beliefs. These questions can’t be answered with a one-word response (good, yes, busy, fine) and will spark a deep conversation and build strong connections and relationships.

Would you like to be famous? How?
Define what your perfect day would look like?
What are you most grateful for?
If you could have one ability, which ability would you choose to have?
What have you been waiting to do? Is there an unfulfilled dream? What are you waiting for?
What do you value most in a friend?
What is your best experience in life so far? What is your worst?
Share an embarrassing moment from your life?
If your house is burning, and the firefighter can only get one item out for you, what would you ask him to salvage? Why?
If you can have lunch with anyone, whom would you like to have lunch with?

“The most important single ingredient in the formula of success is knowing how to get along with people.”―
Theodore Roosevelt

Life’s biggest lessons and opportunities often come out of deep relationships with others. We interact with many people daily, and isn’t it a wasted opportunity if we never get to know them deeply?

Bonus – More Connection Questions To Build Strong Relationships

If you liked the questions above, please find a more larger list of questions which I have collected from different people and sources over time.

What’s your biggest struggle?
What are you good at doing? What do you believe you are the best you? What have you gotten noticed for throughout your career?
What do you enjoy? What do you look forward to doing? What energises you? What do you love about your work?
What feels most useful? What kind of work makes you proud? Which of your tasks are most critical? What are your highest priorities in life? Where does work fit in?
How has your life turned out differently than you expected it to?
What do you feel most guilty about?
How do you want to be remembered?
What advice would you give yourself ten years ago?
Where are you making a contribution to something bigger than yourself?
What did you love to do most when you were 6 years old?
Are you living a meaningful life?
What’s the one thing you cannot live without?
What inspires you the most?
What is one dream you have yet to accomplish?
What is your greatest fear?
If you could change one thing about yourself what would it be?
If you could tell your former self one thing right now what would it be?
What did you really love doing as a kid but don’t really do anymore?
What is stopping you from doing it now, and what would happen if you did?
If you could, what is the one thing you would change about your past?
What in your life has been on hold? What have you been waiting for?

We all know the warm feeling of human embrace and connection when we feel heard and understood by another human being. Deeply connecting with another person builds trust and inspires us. Asking powerful questions (and sharing our own answers to them) helps to understand what people value and to glimpse life from someone else’s perspective. On various occasions, I have been surprised on finding out how someone I thought was very different shares his or her deepest values with me. And vice-versa.

Asking these questions and listening to the answers often require practice and empathetic listening. But it can be very rewarding to establish deep connections with friends or colleagues. It makes working with them easier, joyful and leads to long-lasting relationships.
Aug 5, 2020
What Is The Baskerville Effect and Why Your Thoughts Matter?

So much has been written and said about the power of positive thinking that an ordinary person could even develop a strong allergy to the very notion of “thinking positive”. Therefore, in this article, I will talk about negative thinking and the consequences of it, fatal sometimes – one of these phenomena is called the “Baskerville Effect”.

What Is The Baskerville Effect?

The Baskerville effect is a fatal scare phenomenon. It was named after Conan Doyle’s story “The Hound of the Baskervilles”, in which Sir Charles Baskerville dies of a heart attack provoked by psychological stress. Dr. David Phillips, an American sociologist, believes that a person can really be scared to death. According to Phillips, there is a connection between severe psychological stress and the following heart attack (often fatal).

Numerous laboratory studies have shown that stress is indeed followed by cardiovascular changes, but in the course of studies patients are still not scared to death, and based on moderate stress it is impossible to determine whether a strong shock can cause a fatal heart attack.

However, Dr. Phillips found a vivid stress factor associated with Eastern superstitions. The fact is that in the Cantonese dialect of Chinese and Japanese the words “death” and “four” sound almost the same. As a result, the number “4” causes unpleasant sensations and gloomy feelings in many Chinese and Japanese.

Can Stress Kill You?

Dr. Phillips found that Americans of Chinese and Japanese origin have the peak of heart disease deaths in the fourth month of the year, which is not observed among Americans of European origin. After analyzing death certificates for more than 200,000 Chinese and Japanese Americans and 47 million white Americans, Dr. Phillips confirmed that Chinese and Japanese Americans have 13% more deaths from heart disease in the fourth month. And in California, where the Chinese and Japanese populations are concentrated, 27% more deaths from heart disease occur in the fourth month. He concluded that research suggests a connection between psychological stress and heart attacks.

Conclusion

Our behavior and the quality of our actions largely depend on the quality of our thoughts. Our moods and reactions depend on our thoughts. Positive thinking is not a character trait, it’s a choice. It can be easily developed; the main thing is to want it. At first, you will need to be persistent and zealous, but then everything will go “in the right direction”.

Aug 2, 2020