Throughout my career, I have never believed in keeping separate lives for personal and professional fronts, as people say. One big reason for this might be that I started my career in a startup, and have worked mostly with startups where the work culture and environment was uber-cool and the person sitting next to you was a friend first and colleague later.
There have been times where I have been advised to keep my personal and professional lives separate, and to think and act only professionally while at work. I myself have thought (for a brief duration) that keeping this separation was the way for peak performance, but I have failed miserably whenever I have tried that. In this article I will share my views about why this separation between personal and professional life no longer works. It might have worked a few decades earlier, but in this age of facebook and twitter, I don’t think peak performance is possible if we keep our personal self at home.
1. Sharing our Feelings Bring People Closer
It is no secret that honestly opening up to another person and being authentic about a situation taps to the deepest levels of the listener and helps to forge trustworthy relationships for the future. By sharing something which touches or moves another, we are building bonds of trust which will not only give us a friend but also a colleague who will be fun and easy to work with, and produce greater results.
2. Bring Yourself to Work Fully
Whoever thinks that emotions have no role to play in professional decisions probably has a blind tied over his/her eyes. We can put on a ‘all-work’ mask, but it is only a mask, as our emotions (and the level of comfort and trust) plays a big part in any business decision. We can try to pretend that we will not let our personal lives affect our work and vice versa, but the truth is that they do. People act differently at work depending upon the mood at work, because as human beings, a parent will not stop worrying about their child just because they are in ‘office‘.
3. Leaders are Humans too, and Leadership is not Perfect
Leadership (and leaders) are no longer seen as super humans, who are meant to be admired and respected, and their word followed like a war order. These days, true leaders are seen vulnerable to the same emotions we all are, and they generate more trust and loyalty by being authentic rather than being perfect. If you are late to office because of a personal reason, there is no point in hiding it just for the sake of personal / professional divide.
4. Working with Friends is Always More Fun
Nobody wants to spend 8 hours (the biggest chunk) of our waking lives daily with bozos. Life gets much more interesting when we are doing what we like to do, and with people we like to interact with. Working in a field which excites you in the company of friends makes work so much easier. We all know how difficult passing the eight hours at work becomes when there are just colleagues and no friends. Friends can make time fly by and you won’t even realize you are working. It also raises the productivity level of you as an individual and the team as a whole.
Having said that, this article should not be interpreted as a case for taking your work home or letting personal come in the way of work. What I want to say through the above points is that we can be much more interactive if we see our clients and colleagues as people first, and not stop ourself from understanding or forging a friendship with them just because personal lives must be kept apart (as per popular advice).
Around two years ago, I wrote an article on the importance of keeping faith in life and how it is very important to have faith, especially when the times are tough. I wrote about how these tough times can be life’s tests which will only make us stronger and wiser with time. In this article I want to write about why and how having faith requires courage.
To live faithfully means to live productively, but having faith is an act of courage which must be repeated hour after hour, day after day. Faith allows us to take risks in life, to go in the direction where the paths are unknown, and that is not easy for most of us. Faith also makes us ready to accept some pain and disappointments knowing that everything will turn out the best in the end. And it requires courage to all this.
Faith is taking the first step even when you don’t see the whole staircase. Martin Luther King, Jr.
This courage comes from deep within the soul, and not from any kind of power or knowledge. It is the courage which is accompanied by a calm attitude, and is different from the courage required to declare a war on someone. It is not required to be physically strong or have a gun to have this courage, because it comes from faith. This is the courage of Gandhi, and not of Hitler.
This courage is required to face the setbacks and pains of life as a challenge which will strengthen us rather than treat it as something which should not have happened and which is unfair. This courage begins with small daily acts of faith, when we see that things are not going our way. It begins when you get struck in a traffic jam, and it only increases in magnitude when we have an accident, or loose a loved one. To have faith means to commit oneself to an act without any guarantee that our actions will produce the desired results or not.
We all strive for safety and comfort, but whoever goes too far in this aspiration and always seeks security doesn’t have faith. If we make different systems for our defense and security, then we ourselves become a prisoner due to the lack of faith and courage. It takes courage to have belief in ourselves, certain values and life itself and to take the plunge without knowing the end result.
A famous quote by Ray Bradbury so wonderfully says – “You’ve got to jump off cliffs and build your wings on the way down.”
There lived a fish so wonderful in the ocean that the tales of its beauty has reached far far lands. Her name was Flash. It was vibrantly colored with a tail called the “half moon“. All the other fish were envious of Flash for its long finned tail and brilliant colors. Its “D” shaped tail with sharp and crisp edges form almost a 180 degree angle. Flash also had the proud heritage of belonging to a rare family of fish who could breathe directly from air (apart from water).
But Flash had a worry. She was worried about and constantly looking for this thing called the “ocean“. She had heard about it and how beautiful and vast it was, but she couldn’t find it. She wandered all around the water, looking beneath the rocks and beyond the danger area where predator fishes reside, but to no avail. Her life was perfect in so many ways, but yet the meaning of ocean eluded her, and that spoiled her days.
Flash The Fish and the Search for the Great Ocean
She looked worried and anxious at all times due to this never ending search, and it started to impact her beauty too.
Word came one day to Flash that there was a wise teacher who knew the secrets behind the elusive ocean that she had been looking for. Without wasting a second, Flash waded through the currents, had to cross some very narrow ridges between under-water rocks to finally reach the place where the teacher was. She had heard that this teacher understood the meaning of the “great ocean”.
Flash finally asked, “Teacher, what is the great ocean? Where can I find it? Please tell me the secret, please. I have looked all around but couldn’t find it.”
And the teacher simply laughed. His laughter had a sense of calmness that only someone wise can display. It seemed like a song in perfect melody. But he just laughed.
— End of Story —
Why do you think the teacher simply laughed? What was the secret? Did he knew about the vast ocean?
Perhaps it was because the fish was in the ocean and yet looking for it. Separate the fish from the water, and there is no possibility of life. The ocean was its life. But Flash just didn’t realize it, and wasted all its beauty and other unique traits in this mindless search for the elusive ocean.
When was the last time you wondered about the meaning of life? Or do you recall how many days have you sat and thought about the secret of life, and made plans about how to ‘crack’ it? How you have sought different ways to find this “answer”?
There are some traits we should all have – like being helpful, confident, proud and humble, and enough has been written about them. What I want to touch upon in this article are some traits which we should aspire to have but not go too far in that aspiration either. It is very important to maintain the right balance in the extent to we have these traits. By focusing on these things in this article, the aim is only to become the best version of ourselves, and not to become better than anyone else.
Path 1 – Be Proud and Confident but not Arrogant and Cocky
The balanced man is sure, secure and certain but never has an exaggerated sense of one’s own abilities. He doesn’t need to have a victim to become victorious. He knows his strengths and weaknesses well, and knows when to seek help. If he has a good idea, he shares it with the world rather than keeping it to himself. He takes action regularly towards his objective, and these actions doesn’t need to put anybody else down. He has ‘real’ confidence, which is authentic and genuine, and doesn’t let his insecurities translate into over-confidence. The balanced man understands this difference.
There is a fine line between being confident and being an asshole. There is nothing wrong in taking pride in your achievements, but it is also equally important to have a beginner’s mind when starting new projects. You need to acknowledge your successes, but should not use it as a tool to demand certain privileges for yourself.
Life is a Balancing Act
Path 2 – Be Nice but Not Let Others Take You for a Ride
Just as pride is important, humility is also a very important trait. It keeps us grounded and prevents us from flying based on past laurels. You know that you are skillful, but you also know what are your skill gaps and where you need to seek help. Apart from humility, another aspect of being nice is being patient and tolerant. We should be tolerant of the opinions and views of others, and patient with people and situations if we don’t get immediate results. The balanced man understands that his opinion is also an ‘opinion’, and other opinions are just as valid as his.
Having said that, we should never stretch ‘being nice’ too far that others start taking us for granted. There will be times when you have to put your foot down and remind people that there are lines which they should not cross. Again, this should not be done arrogantly or with a feeling of superiority but with calm and compassion towards others. The balanced man focuses on solutions to problems, and understands that sometimes a more aggressive approach might be what is required. You might need to step away from a job, stop talking to someone for a while, and so on. The balanced man is strong enough to face some short term pain and hurt but do the appropriate thing. The balanced man never loses himself to please others, or for being nice. He always knows his values and principles, and act with strength if the situation requires so.
Path 3 – Work Hard and with Dedication, but don’t let Anything Become an Obsession
We all admire the people who work with dedication, take on new challenges in life and have a great work ethic. But we also realize that these people don’t have a life outside of work and their work life balance is not that balanced. As with most things, there is a fine line here too, a line between dedication and obsession which the balanced man understands well.
The balanced man knows that life is like a wheel with many spokes, and work is only one of it. The other spokes are relationships, health, continuous learning, recreation, among others. The balanced man has goals and goes after them with planning, but doesn’t exhaust himself chasing more and more work. The balanced man knows the power of focus – they focus on work fully when they are at work, and to their family when they are at home. He doesn’t let one spill into another’s territory. He knows how to have an enriching and balanced life, and also understands that being obsessed towards any one aspect of life will have it consequences too.
Path 4 – Help Others but Don’t Patronize Others
The balanced man knows not only that helping others is a true way to give back to the world, but also that being helpful has its limits. We should know that if people need to learn and grow, they might be required to fail and learn their own lessons on their way. While one should always strive to encourage and plug any knowledge gaps, the balanced man realizes that doing the job for someone else is only going to make the other person weaker in the long run. Assistance is required sometimes, but people should have the freedom to make their own mistakes and learn from them.
By being too helpful, we start patronizing others. We start to give the message – “You are no good”. It is an insult to another human being, to his talent, and more importantly, to his ability to learn and adapt to the situation. That is making another inferior and taking false pride is our own superiority.
Having these four traits, but knowing where to draw the line is what will make you a Balanced Man.
“Oh no, not again today. Why do these last minute tasks keep coming up at just the wrong time”, Vivek thought as he rushed out of his office in a hurry. The watch read 5:15 pm. “I might just escape the evening traffic.”, he murmured as he started his car.
He had traveled around 15 minutes and the traffic was smooth.
“So far so good”, he uttered as he approached a traffic signal, knowing that a real busy stretch was about to commence. He waited for the signal to turn green, which happened after around 90 seconds of waiting. But alas, even as the signal was green, the car in front of him didn’t move.
“What the …? What’s wrong with this …?”, he shouted as he rolled down his glass windows. “Why do people take their cars out if they don’t know how to drive?”, he said, his voice getting louder.
It has been 15 seconds now, and was only 30 seconds before the signal would turn red again. He honked, and then honked some more but to no effect. He decided it was time to give the driver an earful and got out of the car.
“Can’t you see the green signal in front? Will you bloody move……”, he stopped his angry tirade as he saw that the car in front of him had no driver in it and was empty. “Maybe it had broken down and the driver left it here to find help.”, he thought.
Realizing the futility of his honking and shouting now, he got back in his car, took a little reverse and then went around the car with no driver. He crossed the signal just as it turned red again. “What just happened?”, he said to himself as he drove off.
“If all it required was to take a little detour around the car in front of me, then why was I shouting and honking and getting angry, even when I know I am already running late.”
The Car is Always Empty
…. Silence …
“And where did my anger disappeared when I saw there was no driver. After that it was just common sense to drive off around the broken car. But where was that common sense before. How does it matter whether the car had a driver or not. I could have still drived off around it.”
This kept on puzzling him till he reached home an hour later. Later at night while having dinner, he suddenly shouted, “I got it. The car is always empty.” “Yes, it is always empty. Even if the driver is there, it is always empty”, he said it out aloud in excitement like he has just had an eureka moment.
Everyone around him on the dining table sat puzzled, wondering what has just happened to Vivek.
— End of Story —
Here is the thing – Whenever we encounter people and situations which don’t turn out as we ‘expect’ them to, we are finding an “empty car”, but we don’t always see it that way. We think that someone ‘else’ has spoiled our expectation when what is happening is normal, just plain normal life. We might judge them, curse them, and find other ways to justify ourself but the truth is that they are just living their lives as we are living ours, and they just happen to be ‘in our way’. Just like we also are in other’s ways multiple times a day.
This is a tough task, to separate the actions of the world from our judgement and ours always thinking mind, and see them just as they are. If we don’t get angry at the sun making us sweat, or the dust making us dirty, and we just do whatever is required, the similar is true for other empty cars too.
How I describe a winner or success has changed tremendously in the last six to seven years. Very early in my career, I used to associate success and winning with results produced by the people involved, but the definition has changed tremendously now. Not that results and outcomes are not important, but I feel there is more than that to a person or team being called a winner.
In my book, a person is a winner if he/she can do the below three things –
1.Push themselves beyond their current limits, day after day, week after week and month after month. They do this despite the pain, the struggle, the discomfort that this ‘pushing‘ will create. 2.Sacrifice doing something where immediate rewards are guaranteed and continue working in an area where he/she is not even sure whether the rewards will come or not, because of some goal one is pursuing, or some ideals or values that one believes in. 3. Does whatever he does with intensity. Intensity causes performance, not duration. Can you run for 15 min instead of a 1 hr walk? Can you treat every second of your time as your most valuable resource and give nothing less than your best? And it is not just in business, can you bring the same intensity and performance whether you are gardening, coding, or having a conversation.
The excellency of every art is its intensity, capable of making all disagreeable evaporate. John Keats
I rarely push myself to exhaustion. I know if I could just increase my intensity in doing certain tasks, I can cut the duration by as much as 50%. But there is a huge comfort zone where I am, and the mind’s job is to survive, and it will resist doing anything which means enduring discomfort. The mind tricks us into thinking we have hit our limits long before we actually do.
I believe there is no sure shot way to outstanding results, and it can never be guaranteed. But what we all can control is how much intensity we put in whatever we do. Intensity is when a double amputee climbs a mount everest, intensity is when a person with no arms can fly a plane (search for Jessica Cox), intensity is when a 90 year old runs a marathon, or when you see the paralympics. Everybody will give in to the temptation (to procrastinate, to give up too early) some times, but I have seen many people who have been working with intensity, and they are my real heroes, my real winners.
“Mummy”, screamed the child as he craved for some attention from his mother. He has finished his cookies and coffee sitting on a rooftop coffee shop, a favorite of her mother.
“What beta?”, asked his mother as she glanced at him, taking her eyes away from some office work she was just about to complete on her laptop.
“You are busy, and our coffee is finished too. What am I supposed to do?”, said the child, clearly getting bored.
“Just a minute beta. My work is just about to…” She was interrupted before she could complete the sentence.
“There is nothing going on.”
Realizing that her son won’t take it anymore, she closed her laptop, took one last sip from her coffee and asked – “Now tell me son, what’s the matter?”
“It is so boring here mummy. There is nothing going on, let us go home.”, screamed the boy again, attracting the attention of a few people sitting close by.
There is Never Nothing Going On
“Let me tell you something. There is never nothing going on. Just relax for a moment and observe the waiters serving coffee to customers, different set of people leaving and coming in the coffee shop. Also observe the moods of different people, some are happy, some are sad, and look over there – those set of people are certainly arguing about something. Look outside, there are trees of different types. Can you spot the birds sitting on the branches? If you listen, you can even hear their chirping.”
“So what mom?”, asked the boy.
“What I want to say beta is that there is never nothing going on. It is only we who stop listening or feeling. Feel the cool breeze as it comes every few minutes on this side of the cafe. Savor this moment for what it has to offer. And that is why I love coming here and spend some time just relaxing. Never say life is boring, because it isn’t.”
“Hmm.. I guess we get bored sometimes, but life isn’t.”, exclaimed the boy, looking a little perplexed and amused at the same time.
“Great then, let me complete my work now.” And she opened her laptop again.
This time, the boy went over to the road facing side of the roof. I guess he was observing and feeling all that is happening on the road below.
थोडा थोडा करके तुम्हे सताने में
बातों बातों में तुम्हे हँसाने में
आँखें झुकाके तुम्हारे शर्माने में
सामने हो तो घूर घूर के देखने में
और कभी कभी तुम्हारी डांट खाने में बड़ा मज़ा आये मुझे यह सब करने में ।।
सुबह सुबह तुम्हारी आँवाज़ सुनने में
रात भर बात करके तुम्हे जगाने में
खो जाना तेरे धीरे धीरे मुस्काने में
पंगे लेके तुझे जान बूझकर रुठाने में
और फिर प्यार से तुझे मानाने में बड़ा मज़ा आये मुझे यह सब करने में ।।
तुम्हारे हाथो से पचरंगा आचार चखने में
बहुत इंतज़ार के बाद तुमसे मिलने में
बहाने बना कर तुम्हे अपने पास रखने में
मिलने के बाद तुम्हे जाने ना देने में
और छोटी छोटी बातो पे तुमसे लड़ने में बड़ा मज़ा आये मुझे यह सब करने में ।।
साथ मिलकर अपने भाई बहनों को छेड़ने में
तुम्हारे लिए शरारत भरी शायरी लिखने में
अपनी पुरानी बीती यादें तुमसे बाटने में
तुम्हारी बातें सुनके तुम्हे समझने में
और पल पल तुम्हे अपने करीब लाने में बड़ा मज़ा आये मुझे यह सब करने में ।।
It has been more than three years that I have been writing regularly on this site. I have written articles, poetry and lately short stories. How I write my articles and poetry differs greatly. Let me explain – with articles I normally research about a topic to get some real data and facts before sitting down to pen down my opinion. I normally have a list of topics at hand, which I slowly expand into bullet points and later into a full article. This is a very top to bottom process – something well thought about and planned.
However, how I write poetry is very different from what I described above. If article writing is a top to bottom process, then poetry is a bottom to top process. If article writing is planned, then writing poetry is spontaneous. The articles comes from the head and heart, while the poems originate from the soul. The articles are meant to be read, understood and analyzed, while the poems are just meant to be felt.
I don’t plan and write poetry. I don’t have a list of topics on which I have to write a poem. Instead, poetry writing feels like someone else is writing through me. It seems like I am just the medium and the words just come out automatically when I am in the ‘zone‘. After finishing a poem, sometimes I myself can’t believe I have written it. It is like I am a mirror reflecting the emotions in words which I absorb from the world as it is.
Poetry for me is just an arrangement of words such that it touches the heart and soul of the reader
When I write a poem, I feel a unique connection to the world. It is like I am painting a picture, but with words instead. It takes me into a new trance of consciousness where the possibilities are endless, and life is full of joy – even if the poem is about sad and tragic state of affairs. I feel poetry puts us all in touch with the most innocent child in us, and we are always going to need it.
I have not learned or studied about poetry ever. Poetry for me is a way of expressing my mood and emotions at that point. Depending on whether I am sad, romantic or nostalgic, my poems come out as reflecting the same. Even the subjects of the poem vary. I have written poems about corruption, politics, love, society, my mother, best friends, life depending upon the prevalent topic in my life at that time.
So my poetry takes its own path, independent of what I want to write. And I want to let it be that way. With poetry, I am willing to go where the flow takes me, without offering much resistance of my own. I am going to accept and write poetry about whatever life throws at me, rather than choosing a subject(s) and try to mold my poetry about it. Poetry also helps me to see things which are serious in a lighter vein. Life may be messy, chaotic, painful, sad at times and joyful, lovely, charming and completely perfect at other times. But the world as a whole is beautiful, and there is beauty all around us, if we can look at it that way.
A man was working on his laptop when his mother asked him “Do you want some coffee, I am making for myself?”
“No, mother. I am busy” came the reply.
“Doing what?”
“I am looking at some tips for how to write a book”.
“Ok. Then what will you do.”, the mother asked, looking lost by his software engineer son’s desire to write a book.
“Ah.. I have some vacations coming up too in December. I want to travel outside the country this time. I need to find out how to travel the maximum and see the most places in those 7 days of vacation.”
“But why?”, enquired his mother.
“There are no right answers to wrong questions.” – Ursula K. Le Guin
“Why what?”, the man shot back.
“Why are you writing a book? Why do you want to travel outside the country? And Why do you want to visit a lot of places in 7 days?”
“Hmmm, never thought about it this way”, the man said.
“Then think now. Replace the ‘how‘ in your questions with ‘why‘ and see what happens.” His mom said, explaining further, “The hows will give you answers too, but the whys will give powerful insights about what you really want…”
Like in the above story, we also live most our days trying to figure out how to do this, how to do that? Even when we meet people, we ask them – How did you become popular? How did you get into this job? and so on. If we were to replace the hows with whys, we would get a real peek into who we really are and what do we actually desire. Just changing the hows to whys can make a lot of difference in our lives.
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