Leaders frequently pride themselves on data-driven decisions and logical planning. Yet, there’s an often-overlooked leadership muscle that remains dramatically undertrained—the ability to purely and powerfully want something, free from justification, reasoning, or incremental thinking.

This is not about frivolous desire but about tapping into a source of powerful leadership: unfiltered, unreasonable, unapologetic wanting. Let me unpack this for you.

Want vs. Need: Understanding the Crucial Difference

Consider this snippet from a conversation with Alex, a CEO:

Me: “What’s your target revenue for three years from now?”

Alex: “20 million.”

Me: “Why 20 million?”

Alex: “It’s just a logical projection from our current growth.”

Me: “Forget logic. What do you truly want?”

Alex:(pauses, uncomfortable) “Honestly? 30 million with an 18% margin.”

Me: “How does saying that feel?”

Alex: “Powerful, scary, but exciting.”

Key distinction:

• Need: Rational, justified, incremental.
• Want: Visionary, bold, free from immediate practicality.

Most leaders confuse wanting with needing. ‘Need’ is rational, safe, and justified. It relies on data, past achievements, and incremental improvements. But ‘want’ is different—it’s free, unbound, and daringly ambitious. It’s not derived from past performance or future projections. It’s rooted purely in what you care about without external justification.

Escaping the Trap of ‘Should’

Consider this dialogue with Sara, a technology executive, which illustrates this well:

Sara: “I should take some time alone tonight; it’s been a stressful day.”

Me: “Notice your justification? Try it again without any reasoning.”

Sara: “I want one hour alone tonight.”

Me: “How does that sound?”

Sara: “Clear. Liberating. Surprisingly simple.”

Why “should” is problematic:

• Implies obligation, external expectation, or guilt.
• Creates heaviness, stress, and emotional constraint.

Leaders frequently operate within this restrictive frame: “I should achieve this,” “We should improve by this percentage,” “The profit margin should be at least X.” The word ‘should’ introduces heaviness, stress, and constraint—emotionally draining rather than empowering.

The Cost of Ignoring Pure Wanting

Consider Paul, a corporate executive who played it safe:

Paul: “We consistently meet our growth targets.”

Me: “Is that exciting for you or your team?”

Paul:(hesitates) “Honestly, it’s safe but dull.”

Me: “What bold vision do you truly want, without needing logic?”

Paul: “I want us to dominate our industry—not because data says it’s possible, but because I genuinely desire it.”

Me: “How does declaring that feel?”

Paul: “Invigorating. Like fresh energy.”

Ignoring the muscle of pure wanting leads to:

• Predictable mediocrity.
• Limited innovation.
• Reduced team motivation and engagement.

Linda’s experience as a division leader in a multinational corporation illustrates this vividly. Her division consistently achieved its targets yet suffered from chronic disengagement and low innovation. When Linda surveyed her team anonymously, the feedback was clear: employees felt their work lacked real purpose or excitement. Linda realized that her own cautious, data-driven approach was partly to blame.

Only after she publicly shifted from safe, predictable objectives to openly declaring ambitious, passionate goals did the division experience a noticeable revival in creativity, morale, and productivity.

The ability to purely want something without needing rational justification is a muscle that requires intentional cultivation. Leaders conditioned by logic, practicality, and data often find it challenging initially. However, this muscle—once developed—creates visionary breakthroughs, fosters courage, and generates a powerful leadership presence.

When you declare a want, especially something seemingly impossible or unrealistic, you create a space for innovation. There’s no guarantee you’ll immediately know how to achieve it, and that’s precisely the point. Leadership isn’t management. Management handles execution based on what’s already known; leadership thrives in the unknown, carving pathways where none previously existed.

Imagine John F. Kennedy declaring he wanted to land a man on the moon. It wasn’t a need; America didn’t necessarily have to do it. It wasn’t a ‘should’ dictated by societal obligation. It was a pure, bold want. He didn’t have all the data or a proven roadmap, but by boldly declaring the impossible as his desire, he galvanized an entire nation, sparked unprecedented innovation, and ultimately achieved a milestone that seemed unthinkable at the time.

The Life of a Needer

A needer doesn’t chase dreams—they chase survival. They ask themselves, What do I need to do to get by? What do I need to keep things stable? What can I reasonably ask for without rocking the boat?

They settle. They settle for the client that underpays, the partner that drains them, the life that suffocates—but at least feels “secure.” They compromise their time, energy, and joy, not because it’s what they want, but because it’s what they believe they should accept.

In the world of needing, every request, every desire, has to be run through a filter of justification:

• “I need this because I’ve worked hard.”
• “I deserve this because I’ve sacrificed.”
• “I should have this because others have it too.”

It’s exhausting. And worse—it’s a trap. Because needing is always tied to lack. Needing assumes there isn’t enough. If you get more, someone else gets less. So you justify to yourself and to others why you’re allowed to want what you want.

The Shift: From Scarcity to Creation, from Needing to Wanting

But there’s another way. A shift so subtle, it’s easy to miss. But once you cross that line, you never go back.

The shift is this: You stop living from need. And you start living from want.

Wanting, true wanting, doesn’t come with excuses. You don’t need a spreadsheet, a résumé, or a reference to prove your worth. You want because you want.

You want a thriving business? Say it.

You want a loving, spacious relationship? Say it.

You want to take a month off to write, rest, or just breathe? Say it.

And when someone asks you, “Why do you want that?”, your answer isn’t an essay—it’s a sentence:

“Because I want it.”

That’s it.

Strengthening Your “Want” Muscle

Developing your want muscle starts simply. Begin by distinguishing clearly between your ‘wants’ and your ‘needs’ or ‘shoulds.’ Whenever setting a goal, ask yourself, “Do I want this purely because I desire it, or is it driven by reasoning from past data, trends, or external expectations?”

To build this crucial leadership skill, use these practical steps:

• Clarify Your Wants Regularly
  • Regularly ask yourself: “What do I genuinely want, irrespective of feasibility?”
  • Have your team frequently articulate bold, unreasonable desires.
• Conduct “Want” Dialogues
  • Hold dedicated meetings exploring ambitious wants without immediate practicality.
  • Celebrate audacious ideas openly, building trust and confidence.
• Storytelling and Reflection
  • Share success stories where bold wants led to major breakthroughs.
  • Reflect on historical visionary examples (e.g., JFK’s moon landing).
• Journal Without Limits
  • Regularly journal your pure wants without filtering for practicality or logic.
  • Use these reflections as a springboard for visionary actions.

Transformative Leadership Through Wanting

Leaders who embrace pure, unfiltered wanting often create extraordinary breakthroughs:

• Google’s famous “20% Time” policy led employees to freely pursue what they genuinely wanted, producing Gmail and AdSense.
• Steve Jobs consistently pursued desires others deemed impractical, revolutionizing entire industries.

Living in the World of Wanting

Living from want isn’t easy. It takes courage. Most people won’t understand you. They’ve been conditioned to chase what’s practical, what’s logical, what’s deserved. They’ve built a life inside a box of justification.

When you step outside that box, you disrupt their system. And they’ll try to pull you back in.

They’ll call you selfish. Unrealistic. Naive.

They’ll say, “You can’t just have whatever you want.”

But you’re not taking anything from anyone. You’re creating something new. That’s the power of wanting.

Because in the world of wanters:

• There is no scarcity.
• There is no zero-sum game.
• There is no competition.

A true wanter doesn’t compete—they create. They invent, initiate, innovate. They carve paths where there were none. They write songs that never existed. Build products no one asked for but everyone needs. Create companies, cultures, communities out of thin air.

Why? Because they wanted to.

Wanting is a Choice.

It’s for the few who say, “I want something wildly beyond what makes sense.”

And the moment you say that, you tap into a part of yourself that most people never access.

It’s not ambition. It’s not ego.

It’s alignment.

It’s the recognition that your true self—your unique ability, your deepest expression, your soul’s work—cannot be reached through logic or need.

It can only be reached through want.

Wanting Requires No Permission

Here’s the truth that shatters most social norms:

You don’t need to justify your desires to anyone. Not even yourself.

Wanting is enough.

This is terrifying for the needers. Because if you don’t justify your wants… they can’t argue with you. They can’t out-reason you. 

Provocative Questions for Bold Leaders

To provoke deeper reflection, consider these questions:

• What audacious goal would you declare if feasibility wasn’t a factor?
• How many of your current goals are set out of obligation rather than genuine desire?
• If your entire team started openly expressing ambitious wants, how would your organizational culture change?
• For political leaders: If your leadership were guided by bold desire rather than public expectations, how differently would you act?

Ultimately, leadership is about envisioning beyond the visible, feasible, and practical. Ask yourself—and dare to answer honestly—what do you truly want?

Your answer might just redefine everything. 

Have you ever noticed how some leaders seem to create results out of thin air while others struggle to move the needle despite working twice as hard?

The difference often isn’t found in their strategies, intelligence, or even work ethic. It’s hidden in their language – specifically, whether they speak and then act with commitment or tentativeness when addressing the future.

Let me share what I witnessed in a fascinating leadership session that revealed this crucial distinction. A group of managers was exploring why they habitually used phrases like “I’ll try,” “I hope,” or “Let me see what I can do” – even when they fully intended to complete the task.

Their answers revealed something profound about how most of us operate:

“I’m buying time to make sure I can deliver.” “I don’t want to disappoint people if I can’t follow through.” “I’m avoiding taking full responsibility.” “I’m protecting myself from looking wrong.”

Sound familiar? These are the unconscious calculations we make dozens of times daily.

But here’s the twist: these seemingly harmless verbal cushions aren’t just communication quirks – they fundamentally shape how we think, act, and ultimately, what we achieve.

The Hidden Cost of “I’ll Try”

When you say “I’ll try” instead of “I will,” you’re not just being cautious. You’re unconsciously programming your mind and actions for uncertainty. This tentative language carries hidden costs:

• Mental burden and constant background stress
• Scattered attention and divided focus
• Lower productivity and action velocity
• More time spent in indecision and doubt
• Uncertainty for everyone involved

As one participant confessed: “When I say I’ll try, I end up working overtime to accommodate everything, constantly juggling priorities, and feeling perpetual stress because I’m not clear about what I’m fully committing to.”

Another revealed: “I find myself overthinking and second-guessing instead of just executing. It’s exhausting.”

These aren’t just personal inconveniences. They represent a massive tax on your leadership energy – energy that could be directed toward creating breakthrough results.

It is not just Semantics

Language shapes thought. Thought drives action. Action creates results. This causal chain, supported by decades of neurolinguistic research, explains why the words leaders choose don’t merely describe their intentions—they fundamentally shape what becomes possible for themselves and their organizations.

As Dr. Guillaume Thierry notes in his groundbreaking research on neurolinguistic relativity, “Language influences—and may be influenced by—nonverbal information processing.” This isn’t about linguistic tricks or superficial changes to your vocabulary. It’s about understanding and harnessing the profound connection between language, thought, and action—a connection that lies at the heart of truly transformational leadership.

When a leader says “We will launch this product by Q3,” they’re not just making a prediction—they’re performing what linguists call a “commissive speech act” that creates a social commitment. This commitment changes the relationship between the speaker and listeners, establishing new expectations and permissions that shape subsequent behavior.

In contrast, when a leader says “We hope to launch this product by Q3,” they’re performing what linguists call an “expressive speech act” that merely describes their current mental state without creating new social commitments. This distinction explains why teams respond so differently to committed versus tentative leadership language—the former creates new social realities that drive action, while the latter merely comments on existing realities.

The Liberation of Clear Commitment

Now consider the alternative. What happens when you simply say “This will happen” or “I will deliver this” – even before you have all the evidence that you can?

The same participants described:

• Mental clarity and inner peace
• Heightened productivity
• Optimal use of time
• A healthier communication environment
• Faster, more decisive action

One leader noted: “When I commit clearly, I don’t waste time debating with myself. I just find a way to make it happen.”

This is the power of committed language – it creates a different foundation from which you operate and take action. Instead of waiting for certainty before committing, you commit first and then create the certainty through your actions.

When leaders use committed language, they’re not just expressing confidence—they’re creating psychological conditions that automatically trigger action when relevant situations arise, without requiring additional decision-making or motivation.

The psychological power of committed language extends beyond individual cognition to social dynamics. Dr. Robert Cialdini, whose research on influence has transformed our understanding of persuasion, identifies commitment and consistency as one of the fundamental principles of human behavior. Once people make a clear commitment, they experience both internal and external pressure to behave consistently with that commitment.

This commitment-consistency principle explains why leaders who make clear, public commitments using committed language are significantly more likely to follow through than those who use tentative language. The psychological and social forces activated by committed declarations create momentum toward the declared outcome that tentative statements simply cannot generate.

The Courage to Look Wrong

At this point, you might be thinking: “But what if I commit and fail? Isn’t it more honest to say I’ll try?”

This is where courage enters the picture. The truth is, there’s no evidence in the future – only in the past. When you commit to something unprecedented, something you’ve never done before, you’re stepping into territory where failure is possible.

Most people avoid this risk at all costs. They want guarantees before they commit. But that’s precisely why most people don’t create extraordinary results.

Leaders who produce unprecedented outcomes understand a fundamental truth: commitment precedes evidence. They don’t wait for proof they can deliver before they commit – they commit first, then find a way to deliver.

Yes, sometimes they’re wrong. Sometimes they fail. But they understand that the occasional pain of being wrong is far less costly than the chronic pain of playing small.

Fear of Disappointment: Many leaders use tentative language to manage expectations—both their own and others’. By saying “I’ll try” rather than “I will,” they create a psychological buffer against the pain of disappointing themselves or others if they fail to deliver.

James, a senior executive at a technology company, recognized this pattern in himself: “I realized I was saying ‘I’ll try’ even when I fully intended to complete the task. It was a way of giving myself an out, of protecting myself from the potential disappointment of failure.”

Fear of Judgment: Leaders often worry that clear commitments will expose them to harsher judgment if they fall short. Tentative language creates plausible deniability—”I only said I would try”—that shields them from full accountability.

Research in social psychology confirms this dynamic. A study published in the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology found that individuals who used tentative language were judged less harshly for identical failures than those who had made clear commitments. This creates a perverse incentive for leaders to hedge their language, even when doing so undermines their effectiveness.

Fear of the Unknown: Perhaps most fundamentally, leaders fear committing to outcomes when they cannot see the full path to achievement. This fear of the unknown drives them toward tentative language that preserves optionality and avoids the discomfort of certainty in uncertain conditions.

Dr. Carol Dweck’s research on mindset provides insight into this fear. Leaders with a fixed mindset—who believe capabilities are static rather than developable—are particularly prone to fear of the unknown. They worry that they may not have the skills or resources to fulfill clear commitments, so they hedge with tentative language.

The Paradox of Leadership Fear

The paradox of leadership fear is that the very language patterns that protect leaders from these fears also prevent them from achieving their full potential. By using tentative language to avoid the risk of being wrong, leaders create conditions that make success less likely and limit what’s possible for themselves and their organizations.

This creates a self-reinforcing cycle: fear leads to tentative language, which leads to diminished results, which reinforces the fear that clear commitments are too risky. Breaking this cycle requires understanding that the apparent safety of tentative language is illusory—it protects you from the risk of being wrong at the cost of ensuring you’ll never be transformatively right.

The Two Operating Systems

Think of these approaches as two distinct operating systems for leadership:

Operating System 1: Evidence-Based Commitment

• Wait for evidence before committing
• Use tentative language to protect yourself
• Avoid disappointing others
• Reduce risk of being wrong
• Create predictable, incremental results

Operating System 2: Commitment-Based Evidence

• Commit first, then create the evidence
• Use clear, direct language
• Accept that some may be disappointed
• Accept the risk of being wrong
• Create unprecedented, breakthrough results

Most leaders operate exclusively in System 1. They believe it’s the only responsible way to lead. But what they don’t realize is that System 1 has built-in limitations – it can only produce results that are extensions of what’s already been done.

System 2 is where unprecedented results come from. It’s where you find the leaders who transform industries, redefine what’s possible, and create outcomes that seemed impossible before they arrived.

The Language Patterns of Each System

The distinction between these operating systems is most clearly revealed in language patterns. Leaders operating in Evidence-Based Commitment tend to use:

• Tentative language: “We’ll try,” “We hope to,” “We expect”
• Conditional statements: “If X happens, then we’ll do Y”
• Probability-based phrasing: “There’s a good chance,” “It’s likely that”
• Hedging qualifiers: “Assuming all goes well,” “Barring unforeseen circumstances”

In contrast, leaders operating in Commitment-Based Evidence consistently employ:

• Declarative statements: “We will,” “This is going to happen”
• Time-bound commitments: “By this date,” “Within this timeframe”
• Certainty-based phrasing: “This will work,” “We are going to succeed”
• Unequivocal language: “No matter what,” “Whatever it takes”

These language patterns aren’t merely stylistic differences—they reflect and reinforce fundamentally different approaches to leadership and possibility. By becoming aware of your own language patterns, you can begin to shift from System 1 to System 2 in the areas where breakthrough results matter most.

The Personal Challenge

One participant shared his personal struggle with this concept:

“I have a long history of blaming myself when things go wrong. I worry that if I commit strongly and then fail, I’ll spiral into self-blame.”

This is a legitimate concern. But notice what’s happening here – the fear of future self-blame is preventing bold commitment in the present.

The solution isn’t to avoid commitment. It’s to develop a healthier relationship with mistakes and failures. As this leader discovered, daily practice in reframing mistakes as learning opportunities gradually reduced his tendency toward self-blame.

He shared: “I started practicing positive daily declarations and focusing on what I can learn from mistakes rather than internalizing them. This has drastically reduced my stress and improved my productivity.”

This inner work is essential. You cannot speak with powerful commitment externally if you’re plagued by self-doubt and harsh self-judgment internally.

Distinguishing Accountability from Self-Blame

A critical distinction for leaders developing the courage for committed language is between healthy accountability and unhealthy self-blame. Both involve taking responsibility for outcomes, but they create fundamentally different psychological conditions for committed language.

The Neuroscience of Self-Blame

Neuroscience research reveals that self-blame activates brain regions associated with shame and avoidance, creating a neurological state that naturally drives tentative rather than committed language. When leaders engage in self-blame after failures, they neurologically prime themselves to hedge future commitments.

In contrast, healthy accountability activates brain regions associated with problem-solving and approach motivation, creating a neurological state conducive to clear, decisive action.

When to Say No

Another crucial aspect of committed language is learning to say a clean, clear “no” when appropriate.

One leader confessed: “I say ‘I’ll try’ when I actually want to say no, because I don’t want to hurt or disappoint people.”

This is where empathy without authenticity becomes weakness. When you say “I’ll try” instead of “no,” you’re not being kind – you’re being unclear. You’re creating false hope and ultimately more disappointment than a clear no would have caused.

“Empathy without authenticity is weakness. Leadership is doing what is required, not what is easy.”

A clean no is far more respectful than a vague, uncommitted maybe. It allows the other person to make clear decisions based on accurate information rather than false hope.

The False Kindness of “Maybe”

When faced with requests they don’t intend to fulfill, many leaders default to tentative responses: “Maybe later,” “I’ll see what I can do,” or “Let me think about it.” They believe these responses are kinder than a direct “no,” sparing the requester immediate disappointment.

This belief, while well-intentioned, reflects what psychologists call the “empathy-accuracy trade-off”—the mistaken assumption that being kind requires being vague or even misleading. Research in communication psychology reveals that this approach actually creates more harm than good.

Dr. Brené Brown, whose research focuses on vulnerability and leadership, explains: “Clear is kind. Unclear is unkind. When we use vague, tentative language instead of a direct ‘no,’ we’re not being kind—we’re avoiding our own discomfort at the expense of the other person.”

This avoidance creates several significant problems:

1. False hope: The requester often interprets tentative language optimistically, creating expectations that will eventually be disappointed.
2. Wasted energy: Without clear boundaries, requesters may continue investing time and emotional energy pursuing something that won’t happen.
3. Delayed disappointment: The disappointment isn’t eliminated—it’s merely postponed, often to a point where the stakes and expectations are higher.
4. Eroded trust: When patterns of tentative “maybes” consistently become eventual “nos,” trust in your communication deteriorates.

The Practice of Commitment

Transforming your language from tentative to committed isn’t an overnight change. It’s a practice – one that feels uncomfortable at first, especially if you’ve spent years or decades operating from System 1.

Here’s how to begin:

1. Notice your language patterns. Pay attention to how often you say “I’ll try,” “I hope,” or “Let me see.” Just observing these patterns creates awareness.
2. Start with low-stakes commitments. Practice committed language in areas where the consequences of failure are minimal. This builds your comfort with commitment.
3. Examine your fears. When you catch yourself using tentative language, ask: “What am I afraid might happen if I commit clearly here?”
4. Separate identity from outcomes. Remember that failing at something doesn’t make you a failure. It makes you someone who took a risk.
5. Create morning intentions. As one participant shared: “I write down my intentions for the day – how I want to show up, what I’m committed to accomplishing. This primes my mind for clear commitment.”

The Leadership Choice

Every day, in countless conversations, you choose how you’ll speak about the future. Most of these choices happen unconsciously, driven by habits and fears you may not even recognize.

But now you have a choice. You can continue operating exclusively from System 1 – waiting for evidence before committing, protecting yourself from being wrong, and creating predictable results.

Or you can begin incorporating System 2 – committing before you have all the evidence, accepting the risk of being wrong, and creating the possibility of unprecedented outcomes.

This isn’t about abandoning careful thinking or responsible planning. It’s about recognizing that for the results that matter most – the breakthrough innovations, the transformative changes, the unprecedented achievements – commitment must precede certainty.

The Spectrum of Commitment

It’s worth noting that this isn’t an all-or-nothing proposition. You don’t have to commit with absolute certainty to everything. Think of it as a spectrum:

• For routine, low-impact decisions: Your habitual approach may work fine
• For moderate-impact decisions: Consider more committed language
• For high-impact, transformative goals: Full commitment is essential

I’m not asking you to jump totally to committed language for everything. But for the things that matter, for the results that matter, you commit. And yes, you can be wrong. And that’s the cost of taking on any big game.

Your Unprecedented Future

Look at the goals you’re currently pursuing. The ones that really matter. The ones that would transform your leadership, your organization, or your life.

Now ask yourself honestly: Am I speaking about these goals with committed language or tentative language?

Am I saying “I’ll try to hit our targets” or “We will hit our targets”?

Am I saying “I hope to transform our culture” or “I will transform our culture”?

Am I saying “Let’s see if we can innovate” or “We will innovate”?

The difference may seem subtle, but it’s everything. In that small linguistic gap lies the difference between leaders who manage the status quo and leaders who create new realities.

The Time for Commitment

Most of us have been conditioned to believe that certainty should precede commitment – that we should only promise what we’re already certain we can deliver.

But that approach has built-in limitations. It confines you to the realm of the proven, the established, the already-done. It makes unprecedented results impossible by definition.

The greatest leaders throughout history have operated differently. They committed to outcomes that seemed impossible at the time:

• Landing on the moon before the technology existed
• Creating computers that fit in our pockets before the components were invented
• Building electric vehicles viable for mass markets before the infrastructure was in place

None of these commitments were “reasonable” when they were made. All required their leaders to stand in a place of commitment before evidence existed.

You have this same power available to you right now. The power to commit to a future that doesn’t yet exist – and through that commitment, begin creating it.

Yes, you might be wrong sometimes. Yes, you might disappoint people occasionally. Yes, you might look foolish in the eyes of those who operate solely from System 1.

But you also might create something unprecedented – something that changes everything.

Isn’t that possibility worth the risk?

The Choice Before You

So here’s the invitation: Choose one important goal – something that matters deeply to you, something that would represent a breakthrough in your leadership or organization.

Now, how do you speak about this goal? With tentative, cautious language? Or with clear, committed language?

If you’re like most leaders, you’ve been operating from System 1 – waiting for certainty before committing. That’s not wrong, but it is limiting.

What would happen if you shifted to System 2 for this one crucial goal? If you spoke with commitment before you had all the evidence? If you said “This will happen” instead of “We’ll try to make this happen”?

You might fail. You might be wrong. You might disappoint yourself or others.

Or you might create something unprecedented – something that changes everything.

The choice is yours.

The journey of committed language begins with a single, powerful choice: the decision to speak with clarity and certainty about the future you will create. This choice—to replace “I’ll try” with “I will”—seems simple on the surface but represents a profound shift in how you relate to possibility, responsibility, and your own capacity for impact.

In making this choice, you join a lineage of transformational leaders throughout history who have used the language of commitment to create unprecedented futures. From Churchill’s defiant “We shall never surrender” to Kennedy’s bold “We will go to the moon” to your own declarations about what will happen in your organization, committed language (or the lack of it) shapes your future.

Your future is waiting.

Being Assertive to Your Team vs. Being Assertive for Your Team

In the high-stakes world of executive leadership, how CEOs interact with their leadership teams can make or break an organization’s success. Many CEOs struggle with finding the right balance of assertiveness—push too hard, and you risk creating a culture of fear and compliance; be too passive, and decisions stall while accountability fades.

The key distinction that separates truly transformative leaders from merely effective managers lies in understanding the difference between being assertive to your team versus being assertive for them. See below:

	Assertive To Your Team	Assertive For Your Team’s Growth
Mindset	“I need to be in control.” Driven by fear of failure or losing authority Measures success by compliance Worried about what others might think about you	“I want them to step into leadership.” Driven by trust in people’s growth potential Measures success by ownership and initiative Sees assertiveness as a gift to their people’s growth
Communication Style	Directive: “Do this now.” Corrects mistakes immediately Talks at the team	Ask questions supportively: “What’s your approach?” Creates space for reflection and learning Talks with the team, listens deeply
Conflict & Accountability	Blames or points fingers Uses pressure to drive results Reacts emotionally to errors	Holds space for difficult conversations with care Uses clarity and agreements to foster accountability Responds by coaching through the issue
Long-Term Impact	Creates dependency on you Limits innovation & experimentation Exhausts you & bottlenecks scale	Builds leaders who operate without you Encourages ownership and initiative Frees you to lead the company forward

Assertive TO your team

This approach positions the CEO and their leadership team in a subtle but problematic dynamic:

• The CEO pushes for results and compliance
• Team members focus on meeting expectations rather than solving core problems
• Executives filter information to align with what they think the CEO wants to hear
• The CEO receives incomplete or sanitized information
• Strategic decisions suffer from limited perspective and insufficient challenge
• The cycle continues, reinforcing superficial alignment rather than genuine commitment

This dynamic creates fundamental organizational tension. Senior leaders sense they’re being directed rather than developed, managed rather than led. Even when they verbally commit to initiatives, their internal commitment may be lacking, leading to what looks like agreement in meetings but manifests as delayed implementation afterward.

When CEOs are assertive TO their teams in this manner, they:

1. Generate compliance without commitment
2. Create environments where people manage up rather than speak truth
3. Discourage the healthy conflict necessary for optimal decisions
4. Receive superficial agreement followed by passive resistance
5. Foster a culture where meetings result in vague action items rather than clear decisions

Being Assertive For Your Team

The alternative approach—being assertive for your leadership team—fundamentally reframes the relationship and purpose of executive interactions. This mindset sees the CEO’s primary responsibility not as directing outcomes but as creating conditions for clear decisions, genuine commitment, and leadership development.

When a CEO is assertive for their team, they:

1. Challenge indecision and avoidance patterns: By refusing to accept vague commitments or endless analysis, they help executives break through organizational inertia and personal risk aversion.
2. Demand clarity rather than specific outcomes: The goal isn’t to force agreement with the CEO’s preferred solution but to eliminate the middle ground of “maybe” that keeps organizations stuck.
3. Hold leaders accountable to their own stated values and goals: If an executive has committed to certain priorities or principles, the CEO reminds them of these commitments when conflicting behaviors emerge.
4. Force organizational truth-telling: By asking penetrating questions, they help the leadership team confront uncomfortable realities rather than hiding behind comfortable narratives.
5. Provide structure for consequential decision-making: Many leadership teams struggle with decisions not because they lack information but because they lack frameworks for evaluation and the courage to commit to difficult choices.

A Common Objection to Assertiveness – Empathy

There is a common objection that stops people from being assertive. It is the fear that “I am not being empathetic if I am completely honest and assertive” or “I will not be authentic if challenge that person more. And I understand their point of view.”

Let me tell you something in a no-nonsense way.

Empathy is a powerful leadership skill.

BUT

Empathy without authenticity is just weakness.

It is cheating yourself of your own dreams and values.

It is cheating the other person of your honest opinion and what you have to offer to them (by being authentic or assertive).

Leaders Lead.

And Leaders lead in a way that not only helps them but also inspires and teaches those around them.

If you can be authentic and assertive (while still being empathetic) that is your leadership – for yourself and for others too.

When you are fully authentic, even when it gets uncomfortable, you are setting an example and a high-bar – for yourself and others.

This is why you are here. This is why you are reading this article.

The Distinction in Practice

1. Detailed questioning about implementation plans rather than making judgements

Rather than accepting “We’ll look into it” or “We’ll report back next quarter,” the CEO who is assertive for their team asks:

• “What specifically will you be doing between now and our next meeting?”
• “What metrics will tell us whether this approach is working?”
• “What obstacles do you anticipate, and how will you address them?”
• “When exactly will key milestones be reached?”
• “How will you communicate progress to the rest of the organization?”

These questions aren’t designed to micromanage but to create clarity and structure around execution.

2. Challenging unnecessary delays in decision-making with curiosity instead of blame

When an executive suggests an extended timeframe for making a strategic decision, the CEO might ask:

• “You mentioned needing another month for analysis. What specific information will that additional time provide?”
• “We’ve been discussing this issue for the past three quarters. What is preventing us from deciding today?”
• “If we truly believe this is the right strategic direction, why would we delay implementation by six weeks?”

These challenges aren’t about rushing decisions but about exposing organizational patterns of avoidance that keep companies from necessary action.

3. Explicit acknowledgment of team and organizational patterns

A CEO being assertive for their leadership team might say:

• “I notice we’ve had this same conversation in our last three quarterly reviews. What’s really preventing us from moving forward?”
• “Do you recognize that the hesitation we’re seeing reflects the same pattern that delayed our last major initiative?”
• “Would you agree that our collective tendency to seek perfect information has cost us market opportunities in the past?”

This approach helps leadership teams see their own behavioral and decision-making patterns more clearly.

4. Forcing explicit choice helps grow others as leaders

Perhaps most powerfully, being assertive for a leadership team means requiring them to make explicit choices between clear alternatives:

• “We have two options: commit fully to this market entry strategy with all its risks, or explicitly decide to focus elsewhere. Which are we choosing today?”
• “I need a clear decision: either we’re restructuring this division now, or we’re consciously deciding to maintain the current structure despite its challenges.”
• “There’s no middle ground here. Either we’re going to invest at the level required for success, or we’re going to exit this business. Which is it?”

This isn’t dictatorial—it’s clarifying. It forces leadership teams to confront the reality that not deciding is itself a decision with consequences.

5. Distinguishing between dialogue and decision

CEOs who are assertive for their teams clearly delineate when conversations are exploratory versus when they require resolution:

• “We’re in exploration mode for the next 30 minutes. All ideas are welcome without judgment.”
• “We’re now shifting to decision mode. We need to leave this room with a clear choice.”
• “This topic requires a decision today. If we can’t reach consensus in the next hour, I’ll make the call, but I’d prefer we arrive there together.”

This clarity about conversation mode prevents the common pattern of endless discussion without resolution.

The Results of This Shift

When CEOs master the art of being assertive for their teams rather than to them, several transformative organizational shifts occur:

1. Decision velocity increases dramatically: Issues that previously cycled through multiple meetings reach resolution in a single discussion.
2. Implementation improves: When leaders make clear, specific commitments in front of peers, follow-through improves dramatically.
3. Strategic clarity emerges: By forcing explicit choices between competing priorities, the organization develops sharper focus.
4. Leadership capacity expands: Team members develop greater decision-making confidence and skill through the CEO’s modeling.
5. Organizational politics decrease: When ambiguity is eliminated, the space for political maneuvering shrinks.

The Cultural Dimension

Being assertive for your team rather than to them transforms organizational culture in profound ways:

1. Truth-telling becomes normalized: When the CEO consistently demands clarity, honesty gradually displaces political calculation.
2. Respect for leadership deepens: Leaders who challenge their teams to be their best selves, even when uncomfortable, earn deeper respect than those who manage through authority alone.
3. Psychological safety paradoxically increases: Though the conversations may be more challenging, executives feel safer knowing where they stand and what’s expected.
4. Decision ownership becomes distributed: When leaders make clear commitments of their own volition (even if prompted), they take ownership of outcomes rather than merely executing the CEO’s will.
5. Organizational maturity accelerates: The entire leadership system develops greater capacity for handling complexity and ambiguity when clarity of process is demanded.

Implementing the Shift

For CEOs looking to make this crucial shift from being assertive to their teams to being assertive for them:

1. Examine your relationship with control: Can you genuinely focus on decision quality and clarity rather than directing specific outcomes?
2. Develop comfort with tension: Practice maintaining productive discomfort in meetings rather than relieving tension prematurely.
3. Master the art of powerful questions: Learn to ask questions that reveal underlying assumptions and force clarity rather than questions that lead to predetermined answers.
4. Recognize that your attention is your most powerful tool: What you consistently ask about and focus on will shape your organization more than what you direct.
5. Lead through curiosity rather than certainty: Position yourself as the chief question-asker rather than the chief answer-provider.

The Broader Impact

This leadership approach extends far beyond the executive suite. When CEOs model being assertive for rather than to their teams:

1. The pattern cascades: Senior leaders begin using similar approaches with their own teams.
2. Organizational decision-making improves at all levels: The clarity and commitment modeled at the top becomes the standard throughout.
3. Talent retention strengthens: High performers are drawn to environments where clarity and decisive action are valued.
4. Strategic execution accelerates: The gap between decision and implementation narrows dramatically.
5. Innovation thrives: When leaders know that clear decisions will be made and supported, they’re more willing to propose bold ideas.

The distinction between being assertive to versus for your leadership team may appear subtle, but its organizational impact is profound.

By shifting from a posture of directing outcomes to one of demanding clarity and commitment, CEOs transform from perceived taskmasters to developmental catalysts. They help their leadership teams break through their own avoidance patterns while establishing the conditions for truly distributed leadership.

In an era of unprecedented complexity and rapid change, this approach cuts through organizational noise and politics. It respects leaders’ agency while refusing to enable the indecision that keeps organizations stuck. And it creates the foundation for authentic executive teams based on truth-telling rather than impression management—a foundation that serves both immediate business outcomes and long-term organizational health.

I was born and raised in India, an introverted child who thought deeply about the world. Like many others, I followed the “safe” path. I became an engineer. I built a successful 16-year career in tech. I relied on structure, planning, and logic.

But something was missing.

I felt a pull toward making a greater impact as far as I can remember. The safe path wasn’t enough.

First, I started two startups and then a social impact NGO in India. Later, I moved to the Netherlands. Finally, after 16 years of stability, I finally walked away from my high-paying job. I took a leap into the unknown to do what I do today.

There was no roadmap. No guarantees. Just a deep commitment to bringing people together and to bring meaning, joy and fulfilment back to workplaces.

The Discomfort of Saying “No”

The most challenging part of making a bold commitment is the willingness to eliminate everything that can’t grow exponentially with you—even if that means letting go of what brought you success so far. This creates significant discomfort that most people avoid.

When you say “no” to opportunities that once seemed valuable, you’ll feel the pain of potential loss. When you step away from projects that interested you but don’t serve your core focus, you’ll question your decision. When you distance yourself from relationships that drain rather than energize you, you’ll feel guilty. These uncomfortable feelings are natural and inevitable.

The discomfort comes from several sources:

1. Fear of missing out: Each “no” feels like closing a door that might have led somewhere good.
2. Identity confusion: Saying “no” to things you’ve always done challenges your sense of self.
3. Social pressure: Others won’t understand your choices and may try to pull you back to your old ways.
4. Uncertainty: The path of bold commitment doesn’t offer guarantees, while the familiar path feels safer.

Yet this discomfort is precisely what drives your growth.

Leaving my career wasn’t easy. It meant saying “no” to security. It meant disappointing current and past colleagues who didn’t understand. It meant facing my own fears of failure.

Every “no” felt uncomfortable. When I turned down consulting opportunities to focus on my coaching practice, my bank account suffered. When I declined social invitations to develop my methods, friendships were tested. When I set boundaries with clients who wanted the old way of leadership, I risked rejection.

Each “no” was painful. But each “no” was necessary.

I discovered something powerful in this discomfort. Each difficult “no” strengthened my commitment. Each uncomfortable choice clarified my vision. Each time I disappointed others to honor my deeper purpose, I became more authentic.

The discomfort didn’t just lead to better results. It transformed me.

Focusing on What Truly Matters

I became obsessed with understanding momentum. I studied what makes leaders grow fast versus stay stuck. I did deep inner work through silence, meditation, and coaching. I faced my fears head-on.

This obsessive focus required eliminating distractions. I couldn’t be everything to everyone anymore. I had to concentrate on what truly mattered: transforming leadership.

Within four years, I built a coaching practice that stood out. I began working with top entrepreneurs and CEOs, helping them scale beyond €100M. I ran transformational retreats and experiences for leadership teams – 1 in 2022, 2 in 2023 and 9 in 2024 alone. I had never done anything like that ever before.

None of this would have happened if I had kept saying “yes” to everything.

How Discomfort Transforms You

The discomfort of saying “no” doesn’t just lead to better results—it transforms you as a person. This transformation happens in several ways:

Increased self-awareness: When saying “no” is difficult, you’re forced to examine why. This examination reveals your fears, attachments, and hidden motivations.

Greater emotional resilience: Each time you face the discomfort of saying “no,” you build emotional muscles. The discomfort never disappears completely, but your capacity to bear it grows substantially.

Clearer values: Saying “no” requires knowing what you’re saying “yes” to. This process forces you to clarify what truly matters to you.

Authentic relationships: When you say “no” to activities and relationships that don’t align with your core focus, you create space for deeper connections with those who truly support your vision.

Increased confidence: Each time you make a difficult choice that honors your commitment, your confidence grows. You begin to trust yourself more deeply.

The person who left that engineering job is not the same person writing these words today. The transformation goes far beyond my professional achievements.

I developed greater self-awareness. Each difficult “no” forced me to examine my motives. Why was saying “no” so hard? What attachments were holding me back?

I built emotional resilience. The discomfort of disappointing others never disappeared completely. But my capacity to bear this discomfort grew substantially.

My values became clearer. Saying “no” required knowing what I was saying “yes” to. This process forced me to clarify what truly mattered to me.

My confidence grew. Each difficult choice that honored my commitment built trust in myself. I began making decisions more quickly and with greater conviction.

Pushing Beyond Comfort Zones

Today, I push leaders beyond their comfort zones. I challenge them to take bold, high-stakes action NOW.

I see myself in them. The hesitation. The attraction to the safe path. The fear of saying “no.” I recognize it because I’ve lived it.

When a CEO struggles to let go of a product line that’s holding their company back, when a founder hesitates to raise their prices, or when a leadership team clings to outdated processes, it all sounds so familiar today. Because I have been there. I know how that feels.

These stories resonate because they’re real. The discomfort is real. The transformation is real.

Why Bold Commitments Are Easier Than Small Improvements

Surprisingly, bold commitments are often easier to achieve than small improvements for several reasons:

Less Competition: When you aim for extraordinary results, you enter a space with fewer competitors. Everyone is fighting for small improvements, but few have the vision or courage to pursue bold exponential results.

Deeper Focus: Bold commitments require you to focus on very few things rather than many. Research shows that constantly switching tasks makes deep work and high performance nearly impossible. By eliminating distractions and focusing deeply, you can achieve breakthroughs that would be impossible with divided attention.

Creative Thinking: Bold commitments force you to think differently. You can’t achieve extraordinary results with ordinary thinking. This necessity drives innovation and creativity, leading to novel solutions that can leapfrog the competition.

Team Building: Bold commitments push you beyond what you can accomplish alone. They require building teams and systems that multiply your impact. This shift from doing everything yourself to leading others creates growth that small improvements rarely demand.

The Power of Being Different

This meant standing out. While other coaches offered incremental improvements, I focused on transformation. While others promised stress management, I delivered momentum and exponential business growth.

Being different wasn’t always comfortable. It meant challenging traditional leadership models that CEOs were familiar with. It meant pointing out that most executives were stuck in stress rather than scaling with clarity.

But being different created a unique space. I didn’t need to be dramatically better than every other coach. I just needed to be slightly better and notably different. This combination produced outsized results.

How Quality Creates Outsized Rewards

When you commit to exceptional quality in a focused area, the returns don’t simply double—they can multiply many times over. This happens because making a bold commitment isn’t about working harder; it’s about taking a completely different approach that leads to mastery and freedom.

Most productivity advice focuses on efficiency—doing more in less time. But bold thinking flips this idea. It’s not about doing more; it’s about doing less, but at a much higher level of quality. This shift creates a snowball effect that can lead to dramatically greater outcomes.

Simple Steps for Your Bold Commitment

If you’re considering a bold new commitment, start here:

Ask yourself: What small portion of my work creates most of my results?

Consider: What would happen if I focused exclusively on this area?

Reflect: What activities or commitments are holding me back? My stable engineering career was both a blessing and a limitation.

Face the truth: What uncomfortable “no” decisions am I avoiding? Saying “no” to security was my biggest challenge.

These questions will reveal uncomfortable truths. Activities you’ve invested years in might be holding you back. Relationships you value might be incompatible with your vision. Habits you’ve developed might belong to your past, not your future.

Embracing Discomfort for Growth

The path to extraordinary growth isn’t complicated. It requires clarity, commitment, and courage to eliminate everything that doesn’t align with your highest potential.

My mission is to change how organisations are led. No more hesitation. No more stress. Just momentum, impact, and exponential growth.

This mission demanded bold commitment. It required saying “no” to the safe path. It meant embracing discomfort again and again.

The question isn’t whether you can make a bold commitment. The question is whether you have the courage to embrace the discomfort of saying “no” to everything holding you back.

Conclusion: The Courage to Make a Bold Commitment

The path to extraordinary growth isn’t easy, but it’s simpler than most people realize. It doesn’t require superhuman abilities or endless hours of work. It requires clarity, commitment, and the courage to eliminate everything that doesn’t align with your highest potential.

By committing fully to the few areas where you can truly excel and saying “no” to everything else—despite the discomfort—you create the space for exponential growth. You free yourself from the trap of incremental thinking and open the door to breakthrough results.

Remember: How you approach one thing reflects how you approach everything. When you commit to high standards in one area of your life, that commitment will naturally spread to other areas. The result is not just better outcomes, but a better you—defined by mastery, purpose, and the joy that comes from living at your highest potential.

The question isn’t whether you can make this bold commitment. The question is whether you have the courage to embrace the discomfort of saying “no” to everything that’s holding you back. If you do, you’ll discover that bold commitments are not only more rewarding but also more achievable than you ever imagined.

I’ve spent most of my life trying to get it right.

Get what right? Everything. My relationships. My career. My parenting. My software. My presentation. My trip. My very existence.

For the longest time, I thought that was the point—to master the game called life by figuring out the rules and following them better than anyone else.

It took me almost 4 decades to realize a simple truth: There is no “right way” to live. There’s only your way.

The Painter Who Failed His Way to Success

One of my failures as a coach was with a client who was successful as an engineer but dreamed of becoming a painter. During our first meeting, he told me, “I’ve tried and failed with multiple coaches before.”

Talk about pressure.

What followed were months of argumentative sessions, during which nothing I offered seemed to help. He rejected and dismissed my questions and was unwilling to self-reflect and take action. Eventually, after three months of coaching, we decided to part ways.

I did the only thing I could do—I bowed out gracefully, feeling like an absolute failure.

Less than a year later, I stumbled across an interview with this same client about his paintings being displayed in a gallery. The interviewer asked how he managed to move from engineering to becoming an artist.

His answer stunned me.

“I finally realized that nothing was wrong or missing,” he said. “And that no one could help me unless I helped myself first. I needed to find my own way and stop relying on others or a ‘perfect answer, strategy, coaching or skillset’ to sort my life out for me.”

That’s when it hit me. My failure was his catalyst for success. Our coaching failure was just a milestone on his journey to explore outside options before realising the answer was within himself.

The Backwards Approach to Responsibility

This pattern isn’t unique to my former client. I’ve seen it repeatedly in myself and in hundreds of people I’ve worked with:

1. We try everything possible to get others to help us succeed
2. We exhaust all external resources and guidance
3. We feel abandoned or let down by the world
4. We finally say “f*ck it—I’ll do it my way”. After all, what’s there to lose as nothing is working in my life anyway.
5. We discover our own power and start paving the path forward. The path doesn’t become any easier. We just stop being the biggest obstacle in the way. We deal with the path as it is rather than from the frustration of “this should not be happening to me”.

Taking ownership isn’t our go-to strategy—it’s our last resort. It’s not Plan A. It’s barely Plan B. It’s more like Plans C through Z when nothing else works.

What would happen if we flipped this sequence and start with complete ownership – like nothing is wrong with us or with others or with life?

My Personal Ownership Cycle

Let me get vulnerable for a moment. My own cycle of ownership looks something like this:

1. I work tirelessly to make everyone around me happy
2. I put in the hours and do all the “right things”
3. At least I get the satisfaction and consolation prize of struggling and working hard.
4. Life still doesn’t work out as I think it should
5. I become resentful and feel victimized. I blame myself (I am not courageous, I am not an extrovert). I blame others (they do not understand me, they are making a mistake), or life (this is not fair, why is it so hard on me?)
6. Eventually, I get so fed up that I declare “f*ck all rules, processes, strategies and how to’s—I’m just going to do what I want”
7. Almost immediately, I begin to feel better
8. I start listening to myself and doing things my way – with complete choice and no obligation.
9. Life begins to feel light, friendly and enjoyable again. Results start to happen. and even when they don’t happen, it doesn’t bother me a bit.
10. I start feeling guilty about my “selfish” approach – “I can’t live this way. My luck is going to run out. This is selfish”
11. Without noticing, I slip back into seeking external validation and trying to “figure it out” and “get it right”
12. The cycle repeats

The pattern is clear. I feel worst when I’m abdicating responsibility for my happiness to others, and I feel best when I take ownership of my choices, regardless of circumstances or things working my way or not.

The Hidden Cost of Blame (including blaming oneself)

When we blame others for our circumstances—even subtly—we hand over our power. Each time I point a finger at something or someone else for my unhappiness, I’m saying, “You hold the key to my wellbeing.”

This isn’t just disempowering—it’s exhausting.

Consider what happens when we blame:

• We position ourselves as victims rather than creators
• We focus on what’s wrong instead of what’s possible
• We wait for others to change before we can be happy
• We put our life on hold, waiting for perfect conditions
• We miss opportunities that are directly in front of us
• We get the consolation prize of feeling sorry about ourself

A client of mine, a successful executive, spent three years blaming her boss for blocking her career advancement. During one session, I asked her what would happen if she stopped waiting for her boss’s approval and created her own path forward.

“But it’s his fault,” she insisted. “He’s the obstacle.”

“Maybe,” I said. “But who’s suffering because of that?”

The question hung in the air between us. Two months later, she had launched a department initiative that eventually led to her promotion—without her boss’s initial support.

She later told me, “I realized I was using him as an excuse to play small. The moment I took ownership, everything shifted.”

I have seen the same pattern play out differently for other clients:

• A frustrated artist stopped waiting for gallery validation and created her own exhibition opportunities, building direct relationships with collectors and establishing her own successful path.
• A struggling startup founder who shifted from blaming a better-funded competitor to identifying an underserved niche, repositioning his company to serve it exceptionally well, resulting in tripled user retention and valuable partnerships – all without falling into the narrative of “struggle and stress is inevitable”.
• A struggling parent who shifted from blaming his ex-wife and trying to control his teenagers to focusing on how he showed up as a father, resulting in rebuilt trust and improved relationships.
• An unfit, busy mom who moved beyond blaming her genetics and schedule to taking ownership of her wellbeing through small, consistent changes, finding both physical improvements and emotional freedom.
• A three-time divorcee who recognized his pattern of choosing partners who confirmed his negative beliefs about love, and did the internal work that eventually led to a healthy relationship.
• A third-generation family business owner who moved beyond blaming market forces, senior family members and honoring tradition at all costs to make tough decisions—streamlining product lines, modernizing operations, and closing legacy facilities—ultimately returning the business to profitability.
• The Frustrated Team Leader who discovered her micromanagement was causing the very lack of initiative she complained about, and transformed her approach to emphasize outcomes over methods, leading to increased team creativity and leadership.
• The CEO who stopped blaming industry changes and economic factors for stagnation and instead reimagined his service offerings and pricing structure, implementing value-based pricing and performance compensation that reignited growth.

The Moment of Power

There’s a specific moment in our leadership journeys that I’ve come to recognize as the turning point. It’s that instant when we say “f*ck it” and decide to do things our way. We are saying, “I am no longer ok that _____”. When we say that, we are drawing a line in the sand and turning a page in our life – forever.

In that moment, several things happen simultaneously:

• We stop seeking external validation or approval or understanding or appreciation
• We reconnect with our inner wisdom
• We feel a surge of energy and clarity
• We begin taking action from authentic motivation
• We experience an immediate boost in wellbeing

For me, there was a time after I lost my mother to cancer when life became so dull that there was a day when I said, “This Sumit is dead. This is a fresh start for me. Right now. Right here. This is day 1 of my life.”

After that, everything about life was different (without anything being different)

The paradox is striking: the moment we stop trying to feel better is often when we start feeling better.

But here’s the question that changed everything for me:

What if I made doing life my way into my Plan A, instead of waiting until I’m fed up to implement it?

The Ownership Experiment

Since 2021, I’ve been conducting an experiment. Instead of waiting until I’m at my breaking point to take ownership, I’m making it my first response.

When faced with challenges, I ask myself:

• What makes sense to ME in this situation?
• What would I do if I wasn’t worried about getting it “right”?
• What aspects of this situation am I treating as personal problems rather than part of the human condition?
• What do I actually want to do, beyond my ideas about what I’m “supposed” to do?

The results have been nothing short of transformative. Not because I always follow through perfectly—I don’t—but because the very act of asking these questions shifts my perspective from victim to leader and from a spectator to being a player.

Let me be clear: taking ownership doesn’t mean blaming yourself when things go wrong. In fact, it’s the opposite. It means releasing the entire concept of blame—whether directed at yourself or others—and stepping into the simple power of choice.

The Telltale Sign

How do you know when you’re living YOUR life YOUR way? It feels good to YOU.

Not “good” in the sense of constant pleasure or absence of challenge. Rather, it feels right. Aligned. True. Even when it’s difficult.

When my painter client finally took ownership of his path, he didn’t suddenly find painting or earning money from it easy. What he found was purpose. Meaning. Direction that came from within rather than without.

Your Invitation

I invite you to join me in this experiment. Over the next few days, check in with yourself regularly:

• What would you do right now if you weren’t trying to get it right?
• What aspects of your current challenges are you treating as personal failings rather than part of being human?
• What would taking radical ownership of your life—without blame—look like in this moment?

Don’t worry about perfection. In my experience, simply asking these questions creates momentum. The answers will come, and with them, a sense of clarity that no external guidance could provide.

Remember: this is your one life. No one else can live it for you. And paradoxically, the moment you truly accept that fact is often the moment life begins to flow with unexpected ease.

Taking ownership isn’t about carrying the weight of the world. It’s about releasing the weight of expectations and stepping into the freedom of authentic choice.

That’s not Plan B. That’s the only plan that ever really works.

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Do you feel stuck? Like no matter what you do, you’re just spinning your wheels? That lack of momentum is costing you more than you think. It’s not just about missing goals or seeing slow growth—it’s killing your potential, draining your energy, and keeping you stuck in a loop of frustration.

When it comes to leadership, momentum is the key to progress. Yet, many leaders find themselves stuck, struggling to move forward. The reasons aren’t always obvious—and I have identified 3 common patterns from my work with ambitious entrepreneurs.

If you’re wondering why you’re not making progress, here are 3 reasons that are holding you back. But more importantly, let’s talk about the cost of staying stuck. The pain of being stagnant. The opportunities you’re missing every single day. And why things need to change—now.

1. You’re Not Dreaming Big and Specific Enough

Most people don’t set goals based on what they truly desire. Instead, they set goals based on what feels achievable or reasonable. What makes it even worse is that they aren’t specific enough. Vague goals kill momentum because they fail to provide clarity or urgency.

Here’s the hard truth: vague goals are the silent killers of your momentum. When you’re not specific and your dreams aren’t big enough, you’re setting yourself up for mediocrity. Every day that you keep your goals unclear, you’re paying the price in frustration and miscommunication with your team.

The Cost of Being Vague

Vague goals don’t just keep you stuck—they create confusion, wasted time, and frustration for your team. Without a clear direction, everyone’s pulling in different directions. Misaligned efforts. Missed deadlines. Endless debates on what “success” even looks like. Your team feels lost, and so do you.

• Frustration: When your goals are unclear, your team can’t deliver what you need. They’ll try, but it won’t be right, leading to constant frustration.
• Rework: Vague goals mean people will have to redo their work because it wasn’t what you wanted—because you didn’t know what you wanted.
• Lost Time: Every day without a specific target is a day lost. How much longer are you willing to waste?

Example:

One client kept saying, “Let’s increase revenue.” Sounds good, right? But the team had no idea what that meant. What kind of revenue growth? By when? Through which strategy? The team was stuck, and nothing moved. Once we broke it down to a specific, measurable goal—“Increase revenue by 10% this quarter by focusing on upselling current clients”—the team knew exactly what to do. Results followed immediately.

The Pain of Small Thinking

Small dreams create small results. If you’re only setting goals you know you can achieve, you’ll never push your boundaries. You’ll never inspire yourself or your team. You’ll wake up every day wondering why things aren’t moving, while deep down, you know you’re capable of so much more.

Start Being Specific Today:

• Stop saying “someday” or “as soon as possible.”
• Start defining exactly what you want, when you want it, and how you’ll measure success.
• Remember that dreaming big doesn’t mean dreaming vaguely. Be bold, but be clear.

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2. You’ve Become a Spectator in Your Own Life

Think of this scenario: Why does a pen fall? You could say, “Because of gravity.” That’s the easy answer, but it leaves you powerless to change anything. Instead, try saying, “Because I let it go.” Suddenly, you’re no longer a spectator—you’re a player. You see your role in what happened and understand that you have the power to create a different outcome.

“The market is down, so growth is slow.” “The team isn’t motivated, so projects are delayed.” While these reasons might seem valid, they place you in a passive, spectator role—someone who watches things happen without control.

Let’s be real: when you let external circumstances dictate your outcomes, you’re playing the role of a spectator, not a leader. You’ve given up control. Every time you blame the market, your team, or any outside force, you’re slowly handing over your power.

The Cost of Watching From the Sidelines

Spectators have no momentum because they aren’t driving anything. They’re reacting to life instead of creating it. You tell yourself, “There’s nothing I can do because the market’s tough,” or “It’s just how my team is.” You let yourself off the hook, but deep down, you know it’s costing you.

• Stagnation: You’re stuck because you’re not taking action. Watching from the sidelines means you’re not in the game.
• Lost Opportunities: While you’re busy blaming external factors, you’re missing out on chances to create real change and momentum.
• Powerlessness: The longer you play the spectator, the more powerless you feel. It’s a slow, draining process that saps your confidence and kills your ability to act.

Example:

One client said his team was always late with projects. His excuse? “That’s just how the industry is.” But when we looked deeper, we found the real problem: he hadn’t set clear expectations. He was the reason for the missed deadlines, not the industry. He was watching from the sidelines, not taking responsibility.

Be the Player, Not the Spectator:

• Stop blaming circumstances.
• Start identifying what you can control and act on it.
• Remember: Momentum happens when you take ownership, not when you watch things happen.

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3. You’re Being Too Reasonable

Being reasonable might sound like a good thing, but when it comes to momentum, reasonable thinking can be the enemy of bold action.

Here’s something no one tells you: being reasonable is killing your dreams. If you’re only setting “realistic” goals that feel comfortable, you’re not just holding yourself back—you’re dooming yourself to mediocrity.

Momentum doesn’t come from reasonable thinking. Leaders who create massive results start by declaring a future that doesn’t yet exist, then they work backwards to make it happen.

The Cost of Being Reasonable

When you stick to what’s reasonable, you limit yourself to safe, incremental growth. You might achieve modest success, but you’ll never experience the massive breakthroughs that come from bold moves. You’ll stay far from where you really want to be.

• Missed Breakthroughs: Playing it safe means you’re missing out on the breakthroughs that only come from taking risks.
• Comfort Zone: You’ll stay in your comfort zone—safe but unfulfilled. You’ll wonder why things aren’t changing, but deep down, you know it’s because you’re not pushing yourself.
• Lack of Inspiration: When you set goals that feel safe, you rob yourself—and your team—of the chance to get fired up, excited, and passionate about the future.

Example:

Another leader I worked with wanted media coverage for a nonprofit but couldn’t afford ad space. Instead of playing by the rules, they flipped the game and invited media outlets to become partners. The result? Free coverage, brand recognition, and a huge impact. Sometimes, all it takes is flipping the script and daring to be bold.

Stop Playing Safe

Reasonable action doesn’t inspire anyone. They don’t create excitement, and they don’t lead to breakthroughs. Every day you choose to stay reasonable, you’re choosing to stay stuck. You’re choosing small wins over life-changing leaps. You’ll feel the weight of missed potential, knowing you could’ve done more, but didn’t.

Stop Being Reasonable Today:

If you want real momentum, you need to stop playing it safe and take bold, unreasonable actions. Here’s how:

1. Make Unreasonable Requests: Ask for opportunities, partnerships, or support that feel out of reach. You’ll be surprised at who says yes.
2. Take a Leap: Instead of inching forward, take one big, bold move that scares you—whether it’s launching that idea, pursuing a massive client, or restructuring your team.
3. Flip the Game: When the usual path feels limiting, change the rules. Instead of following the typical route, try an unexpected approach that opens up new opportunities.

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The Cost Is Real—And It’s Growing Every Day

The cost of staying stuck isn’t just slow progress—it’s the loss of your potential, the missed chances to build something bigger than yourself, and the deep, nagging feeling that you’re not living up to what you’re truly capable of.

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What to Do

You already know the pain of not having momentum. The question is, what are you going to do about it?

It’s time to get specific with your goals, start playing as a leader, and stop being reasonable. You don’t have to stay stuck. You can create momentum, but it starts with making bold moves today.

I’m running the Immediate Momentum Challenge, a small, invite-only experience for a few select leaders. You join, declare a bold goal, and by the time it’s over, you’ve taken actions you’ve been avoiding for months. Entry is based on commitment & certain terms.

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Have you ever thought you knew something only to realize later how much more there was to learn?

It’s a common trap—especially for leaders. We get so used to needing the answers, being the expert, that we can easily fall into the illusion of knowing. Let’s explore why this is such a dangerous trap and how you can avoid it.

The Comfort of Familiar Labels

For a long time, I knew who I was. I was an engineer. I was an introvert. I was not a coach. These labels felt familiar, safe even. As an engineer, I was comfortable solving complex problems with logic. As an introvert, I avoided the spotlight, staying quiet and unseen. And as someone who knew he “wasn’t a coach,” I knew I wasn’t the kind of person who could help others grow.

But then, reality started chipping away at these “certainties.” I found myself in situations that pushed me outside my comfort zone. People began seeking my advice, wanting my insights, and it forced me to question my labels. What if I could be more than just an engineer? What if being an introvert didn’t stop me from being an impactful leader? It took years of challenging these notions before I embraced a new identity—a coach who stands for other people’s transformation.

Client Example: I once worked with a CEO who was convinced that “I know my team is too complacent.” He was frustrated because he thought he had all the answers, and nothing was changing. When we dug deeper, it became clear that he had never actually listened to his team’s perspectives. They weren’t complacent—they were unclear about the vision. When he dropped the “I know” mindset, he finally heard their concerns, and things started to shift.

Knowledge is the Enemy of Learning

The Illusion of Knowing

We often believe we have it all figured out, but just like trying to explain how a car engine works in detail, we may quickly find that our knowledge is superficial. It’s an illusion—the illusion of knowing more than we do.

I once had a client, a successful entrepreneur, who believed he “knew” his market inside out. He had been in the industry for over a decade and felt there wasn’t much more to learn. However, when we explored his assumptions, he realized he hadn’t considered how customer needs were evolving.

His once-thriving business had started to plateau, and his unwillingness to question what he “knew” was a big part of the problem. He learned to let go of that certainty, stay curious, and adapt—and his business began to grow again.

Three Ways to Escape the Trap of ‘I Know’

How can we, as leaders, avoid falling into the trap of thinking we know it all? Here are three practical approaches that have worked for me and my clients:

1. Resist the Need to Say, “I Know”

The quickest way to shut down new learning is to utter those words: “I know.” It’s natural to want to be seen as competent and knowledgeable, but this often comes at the cost of genuine understanding.

• Example from My Life: In my early days as a coach, I thought I knew what my clients needed without truly listening to them. I remember once giving a client advice before they had even finished explaining their situation. The look of frustration on their face told me everything—I had shut down the opportunity to learn something deeper about their challenges. From that moment on, I committed to listening fully before assuming I had the answer.

2. Stay Curious and Embrace the Unknown

Curiosity is the antidote to the illusion of knowledge. When we think we know something, we stop exploring. But the best leaders are the ones who remain endlessly curious, always looking to dig deeper.

• Practical Tip: Pick a topic that feels familiar—maybe it’s something in your industry, a recent trend, or even a challenge in your personal life. Challenge yourself to learn something new about it. Read conflicting views, ask more questions, and engage with it as if you’re a beginner. You might be surprised at what you uncover.

3. Practice Explaining to Others

A great test of your knowledge is whether you can explain it simply. The process of articulating your understanding forces you to confront gaps in your thinking.

• Client Story: I had a client who prided himself on his financial expertise. I challenged him to explain his company’s financial strategy to a new hire in plain language. He struggled, realizing that he was hiding behind jargon and buzzwords. This exercise not only helped him understand his own gaps but also made him a much more effective communicator.

Vulnerability as a Path to Growth

One of the most transformative shifts I made was learning to admit when I didn’t know something. As an engineer, admitting I didn’t know was terrifying—it felt like failure. But as a coach, I realized that my willingness to be vulnerable—to say “I don’t know, but let’s find out”—opened up entirely new possibilities for my clients and myself. The same is true for you as a leader. Saying “I don’t know” is not your weakness but your strength.

Your Challenge: The next time you find yourself about to say, “I know,” pause. Ask yourself if you truly do. Could there be more to learn? Could there be another perspective you haven’t yet considered? Lean into that discomfort—it’s where growth happens.

Conclusion

The trap of “I know” is one of the most insidious challenges for leaders. It keeps us comfortable but ultimately stuck. To grow as a leader, you must be willing to let go of certainty, stay curious, and be open to learning, even when it’s uncomfortable. The leaders who thrive are not the ones who claim to have all the answers but those who remain lifelong learners, willing to question themselves and adapt.

Are you ready to let go of what you think you know and discover what’s truly possible for you and your leadership?

In a recent conversation with the leadership team of a company, the core of our discussion centered on the essence of commitment and how it shapes our actions, defines our results, and ultimately, steers our lives. The conversation shed light on different aspects of commitment, the difference between promises and commitments, and the profound impact of living an intentional life.

Understanding Commitments vs Promises

Commitments and promises are often used interchangeably, but they hold distinct meanings. A promise is an assurance that one will do something or that a particular thing will happen. It’s specific with clear conditions of satisfaction. However, a promise can be conditional or even made without full sincerity. On the other hand, commitment is the energy and determination behind a promise – it’s the unwavering intention to fulfill the promise no matter what.

Types of Promises

We explored three types of promises:

1. Criminal Promise: A promise made with no intention of fulfillment.
2. Conditional Promise: A promise with hidden conditions that might prevent its fulfillment.
3. Committed Promise: A promise made with full dedication, where the person ensures its fulfillment, overcoming any obstacle.

Commitment in Action

Our session vividly illustrated how commitment is the driving force behind achieving tangible results. Here are key takeaways and real-life applications that were highlighted:

• Result-Oriented Mindset: Your results reflect your true commitments. If you consistently show up late, it indicates you are committed to other priorities more than being on time. Altering your mindset to focus on desired outcomes can dramatically change your productivity and effectiveness.
• No Conditions: Commitments is always with the mindset of “no matter what.” Whether it’s committing to a project deadline, a personal goal, or a promise to a client, approaching it with an unwavering resolve is commitment.
• Clear Communication and Renegotiation: Life is unpredictable, and unforeseen circumstances arise. A key component of commitment is clear communication and the willingness to renegotiate terms to preserve trust and integrity. For example, if you cannot adhere to a promised timeline due to an unavoidable delay, informing the concerned party and proposing a new timeline is crucial.

Transformative Practice of Creating Yourself

The session emphasized the power of “I Am” declarations in creating one’s own BEING. Statements like “I am fearless,” “I am resourceful,” and “I am committed” aren’t just declarations; they shape our BEING and influence our actions and results. And we use such language to our detriment all day – examples are “I am weak”, “I am not ready”, “I am not enough”, etc.

Real-Life Applications of Commitment

Here are some anecdotal reflections from the session:

1. Professional Accountability: One participant shared their practice of daily goal-setting and reflection. This habit ensured they stayed on track with their professional commitments and communicated transparently with clients about any delays, thereby building trust.
2. Personal Integrity: Another participant reflected on how their commitments influenced their personal life, particularly with family. A commitment to spend a quality hour daily with their daughter became non-negotiable, highlighting the power of prioritizing commitments over excuses.

Why Are You Here? Discovering Your Mission

A thought-provoking part of the discussion was exploring our overarching mission in life. Questions like “Why are you here?” and “What is your mission?” are profound and pivotal. They invite us to align our daily actions with a larger purpose, enabling us to live a more meaningful and fulfilled life.

Steps to Embrace Commitment

• Identify Key Commitments: Determine what you are genuinely committed to both professionally and personally. Write them down.
• Make Unconditional Promises: Start differentiating between conditional promises and committed promises. Where possible, eliminate conditions and fully commit.
• Communicate Clearly: Ensure all parties involved in your commitments are aware of your intentions. This maintains trust and clarity.
• Reflect and Adjust: Regularly reflect on your commitments and adjust as necessary to stay aligned with your goals and values.
• Practice “I Am” Statements: Daily speaking of your commitment and BEING will create who you are in each moment.

Conclusion

Commitment is a powerful catalyst for transforming intentions into reality. By recognizing the true essence of commitment, practicing clear communication, and aligning our actions with our values and goals, we can achieve remarkable results. Transform your promises into committed actions today and witness the extraordinary impact on your personal and professional life.