April 2022

Just Listen (2009) by Mark Goulston – Book Summary & Review
Listening To Communicate

Communication lies at the very crux of human social interactions. Whether it is getting a point across among a group of friends, being able to give a successful presentation or having an effective one-on-one conversation with one’s boss, one needs to get the opposite party to listen and understand what is being said. For that to happen, one has to have the ability to get people invested or ‘buy in’ into what one is saying.

More often than not, people tend to get caught up in themselves, losing the ability to communicate effectively. Just Listen (2009) by Mark Goulston is an effective guide, combining techniques of persuasion and listening skills that help understand how to get others to listen, by listening to them.

Listening Initiates Progress By Helping To Overcome Resistance

Let’s begin with a hypothetical scenario. Steve is standing on the ledge of a high-rise, threatening suicide. While the authorities have surrounded the perimeter of the building, Lieutenant Williams, a negotiator approaches Steve to convince him against taking the plunge. He tells Steve that he can get help to deal with whatever problems he is facing and there are better options than hurting himself.

Unfortunately, Williams’ offer for help angers Steve and he rejects Williams’ offer for help by responding angrily. Why does Steve respond in this manner?

The problem lies in how Williams communicated with Steve. Rather than listening to or understanding the problems Steve is facing, he offers help that he feels is needed.

Next, imagine Lieutenant Brown approaching Steve. He listens to what Steve has to say, and then responds by saying, “You must be feeling like this is the only option you have left.”

Brown coaxes Steve to discuss more the problems he is facing. As he gets Steve to talk more, he helps Steve calm down and become more aware that there are other options apart from suicide.

What Lieutenant Brown has done is give Steve a listening ear, hear him out while he gets his frustrations out, and empathize with him. What this scenario brings forth is the fact that often, people simply want someone to listen to them, rather than give solutions.

People tend to approach any conversation they have as though they are rational arguments. However, any type of argument is counterproductive to effective communication. They always create some form of resistance. Hence it is essential to firstly, not approach any conversation with a perception of arguing – rational or otherwise. Instead one has to listen to get others to listen.

Just Listen (2009) by Mark Goulston

Mirroring Emotions

Mirroring emotions, or, reciprocating, acknowledging and recognizing the emotions of those one engages with is programmed into the human brain. Cells in the brain called mirror neurons help to understand and experience the emotions that we see others emoting. A classic experience is the need to tear up while watching an emotional death scene in a movie. This happens because the mirror neurons help the brain perceive and understand the emotions in the scene.

The researcher V.S. Ramachandran even called mirror neurons ‘empathy neurons’. It is in fact believed that these could be the basis for human empathy. These neurons are also responsible for the human ability to appease, satisfy expectations, and seek the approval of others.

For example, when a teacher realises that her students are dozing off, it is the mirror neurons that make her chirp up and announce a five-minute break.

On the other hand, when feelings are not reciprocated with empathy, one is less likely to feel connected with others. Research has shown that a deficit develops in the mirror neuron receptors when mirrored emotions aren’t mirrored back. This deficit causes feelings of loneliness and disconnection.

Sadly, technology and the increase in impersonal communication via emails and messages, and because people today do not have the time to form communications, people do not mirror each other as they used to earlier.

Listening Relies On The Rational

The human brain is divided into three layers, or thinking parts, that each experience the world differently.

The first layer, the reptilian layer, is reactive to the immediate situation and primitive. It is responsible for the fight-or-flight responses and doesn’t take time to think about or analyse situations. It takes action. Sometimes, the reptilian layer doesn’t act at all. It experiences a deer-in-the-headlights reaction and freezes up.

The second layer is the mammalian layer. Being more evolved, it is responsible for one’s emotions. It is the home of one’s inner drama queen! It is in this layer where all the powerful emotions such as love, anger, grief, joy, pleasure, jealousy and sadness arise.

The third layer is the rational, reasoning layer which is responsible for analysing the data that it collects from mammalian and reptilian layers. It then develops the next logical steps. This layer is the inner Mr Spock, always carefully weighing options and then making decisions on the course of action.

Everyone uses these layers in their brain while reacting to the world around them. Hence, in a conversation, if one wants the opposite person to be receptive to what they are saying, it is important to make sure that the person is thinking with the same layer.

Ensuring The Use Of The Rational Brain

We established that in order to have a rational conversation, it is essential that both parties in a conversation are using the same brain layer. However, before that, one has to be sure that they themselves have their emotions under control to get the opposite person to listen. Strong emotions such as fear, jealousy, panic, or anger can hinder one’s ability to reason.

US Secretary of State Colin Powell was once asked to comment on his wife’s admission to a mental institution in front of 8000 people. Instead of reacting in anger, he composed himself and replied, “Excuse me – the person you love more than anyone is living in hell, and you don’t do whatever you can to get her out? Do you have a problem with that, sir?”

This ability of Powell’s to remain calm in the face of an explosive question only added to his reputation as a leader.

That said, not everyone has the ability to remain calm and composed all the time. However, it is lucky that one can regain composure by accessing the rational layer by simply acknowledging panic or threat.

In any threatening situation, the rational layer of the brain shuts down, and the amygdala – which controls the emotional aspects of the brain – takes over. Threats can also trigger flight-or-fight responses, letting instincts and emotional responses take control.

In such situations, expressing emotions out loud helps in putting the situation into perspective, and one gets an opportunity to calm down and think. research has also shown that simply speaking out fears, or naming threats helps cool down the amygdala, cause the reptilian brain to cede and let rationality take over.

That said, it is as important for one to let the opposite person have the space and time to address fears, cool down, and think. A rational brain in control always lets a person be more open to listening.

Displaying Vulnerability Can Help

One needs others to connect and respond to the emotions one feels. They need to have the chance to mirror those emotions in order to identify. Hence, when one is able to accept and show their vulnerability – emotions such as fear, helplessness, grief – others respond to those and identify with them. Vulnerability is a great tool to become a good communicator, and hiding vulnerable emotions won’t help others to understand the situation one is in.

For example, if a person is nervous and ashamed about being nervous while delivering a presentation, he is most likely to respond negatively or in anger if anyone makes an insensitive remark at that moment. The other person is most likely to mirror the emotion of anger, without understanding the underlying reason.

If the person would have been open about his vulnerability, the colleague will probably be able to empathize and respond, with kind words to help boost confidence. Similarly, giving others space to show their own vulnerability will enable one to understand what is actually the root cause of the person problem.

It is additionally important for managers and leaders to be able to recognise and address vulnerability shown by employees. Approaching them and letting them discuss their feelings, and giving them a listening ear, will most likely help to gain trust and show that they are cared for – an important skill for communication in times when stress at the workplace is high.

Levelling With Others For An Open Dialogue

When trying to get others invested in what one has to say, talking and opening about oneself is a great tool to get others to respond and interact. Creating an atmosphere of equality in a conversation helps create stronger bonds.

One of the ways to do this is the Side-by-Side approach, where one asks questions during a shared moment, and then follows with deeper questions to strengthen the connection.

For example, during a rather mundane drive to school, a father breaks the silence by asking his son which of his friends is most likely to get into trouble later in life. Surprised, the son thinks for a moment, and replies, “John”.

The father askes why did his son pick out John, to which the son replies, “His parents are divorced, and he has already been in trouble.” After a few minutes of silence, the father asks, “What would you do when you see John in trouble?”

The conversation continues from there and the father and son duo discuss what can get kids into trouble, how can they be helped and so on.

The father, rather than questioning the son about his grades and getting stony replies, engaged his son in an interesting conversation and got to understand his son’s views on friendship, loyalty, and generally what his son considers right and wrong.

Thus demonstrating an interest in other lives can get them to open up. Reaching down to their level is vital as it makes others feel valued.

Practising Empathy

Empathy is intrinsic to listening. However, while it is a known powerful tool, it isn’t intuitive. One has to practice displaying empathy to make conversation partners feel valued.

One can use the following guide to practice empathy.
1. The first one has to identify and attach an emotion to what the conversation partner is displaying. Let’s say the conversation partner is displaying anger.
2. Next, it is important to ask outright if the emotion is correctly perceived. One can say, “I’m sensing you are angry. Am I right? If not, what are you feeling?”
3. Once the emotion is identified, one has to judge the level and depth of the emotion. One outrightly can ask, “How angry are you?” More often than not, this question gets an emotional response. One has to be patient and allow the person time to answer (and calm down if needed).
4. The next one has to extract the reason for the emotional display by asking, “Why are you angry?”
5. Once the reason is obtained, one should show the conversation partner a willingness to help, and that one cares about their feelings. This can be done by saying, “What can be done to make you feel better?”, or, “How can I help to make you feel better or calm down?”
A demonstration of empathy always helps others feels valued and cared for. Moreover, it gives the person time to think rationally, calm down and connect, making way for a great conversation, where both parties are heard.

Conclusion

Listening is a vital skill to have in any scenario. However, in order to get others to listen, one has to listen to them first. The brain’s mirror neurons are responsible for empathy and need to be mirrored back for one to feel what others are feeling. Moreover, one has to make sure that they themselves, and their conversation partners are using the same rational brain while conversing. This will help establish and strengthen the connection between the two parties and make way for effective communication where both parties hear and are heard.
Apr 29, 2022
Issue #51, 26 Apr 2022 – Can self-gratitude help you become a better leader?
Welcome to the Deploy Yourself Newsletter, where I share what impactful leadership looks like to show your own power. I also share the most insightful lessons and stories I encountered in the last two weeks. You can also read this issue online.

Hey,

We all know the power of gratitude. But do you know the power of thanking yourself?

When researcher Erin Westgate returned to her office for the first time after lockdown, she opened her desk drawer to find a pleasant surprise: a Reese’s peanut butter cup.

“She texted me like, ‘Oh my gosh, my past self left my future self a Reese’s,’” recalled her colleague Matt Baldwin. “I was like, ‘Wait a second. You’re expressing gratitude towards something your past self had done. We have to study this.’”

Baldwin and his colleague Samantha Zaw asked people to write letters of gratitude. One group was asked to thank someone else, while another group thanked themselves. A third control group simply wrote about a positive experience.

After the exercise, the people who wrote letters of gratitude to themselves had an increase in feelings of clarity, authenticity and connectedness.

“Being appreciative of ourselves carries an added benefit of truly understanding who we are and feeling connected to ourselves,” said Zaw.

We all know the power of gratitude in increasing the energy and elevating the mood of a team. As a leader, it is a very simple and powerful practice to “just say thanks”; and yet many of us often forget or find it difficult to express gratitude to ourselves.

Take a moment to ask yourself – What can you thank yourself for right now? What is that about you that is worth acknowledging and celebrating?

Write yourself a small note of gratitude for the leader, the employee, the citizen, the parent, or the spouse that you are.

Research shows that embracing gratitude as a regular practice can actually make us happier.

Gratitude leads to happiness, authenticity, and satisfaction on a personal level and when practised with a team, it leads to courage, empathy, teamwork, and creativity.

If you are a leader in any capacity, what are you waiting for? What stops you from expressing gratitude towards yourself and others?

Can you start small and just express gratitude – right now – either to yourself or to someone else on your mind?

Reply back and share any new results or behaviours you noticed after expressing gratitude. I read and respond to every reply.

Articles and Stories Which Have Fascinated Me

One

Autonomy is absolutely critical for 21st-century work

Work hasn’t been “normal” for more than a few years now. Many leaders remain worried about employee productivity, while many employees have thrived with the increased autonomy of working remotely. They don’t want to give that up.

Autonomy is a key driver of human behavior, and research shows that even a little can go a long way.

Whatever you decide, know that increasing employee autonomy, even a little, is likely to increase their productivity.

Find an article titled “Autonomy is the absolute key to getting “the new world of work” right”

Two

How I Taught the ‘Team from Hell’ to Trust Each Other

Many leaders, however, are ambivalent about teams. They fear overt and covert conflict, uneven participation, tunnel vision, lack of accountability and indifference to the interests of the organisation as a whole.

In this article, the author states the importance of team coaching to help a team learn how to work together better and faster than if they were to do it on their own.

It is very liberating to tell our life stories to a coach/leader, and while doing so, give our team members a sense of what we are all about. When listening to the life stories of others, we also come to realise that we are not alone in our confusion.

Many problems are universal and seeing that our team members struggle with similar issues can bring a great sense of relief and help us both accept and provide peer guidance. In addition, it creates hope that something can be done about whatever problem we are up against.

Returning to the “team from hell” I coached, the mood among the group had changed remarkably at the end of our session. They seemed more trusting and connected. Many admitted it was the first time they had had an open and honest conversation. There was a greater willingness to make commitments.

From an article on INSEAD Blog titled How I Taught the ‘Team from Hell’ to Trust Each Other

Three

Courage book reviews, and Humble Inquiries on the podcast

I am sharing reviews and notes of my favourite leadership books on courage below. Enjoy and share what you learn.
In addition, I have launched a new series called Humble Inquiries on the Choosing Leadership podcast. I will be co-hosting this series with Leslie Wireback, and the first episode on Change, Pressure and Uncertainty is just out. Listen to it, and watch out for more episodes in the coming weeks. If you want to know what humble inquiry is all about, listen to the intro episode here.

Four

How Your Ego Controls Your Life (And How to Stop It)

Loch Kelly explains the role the ego plays in your life. Instead of thinking of the ego as one “person”, Kelly explains that it’s more like different pieces of you that react to situations in different ways.

Loch is an author and leader in meditation and psychotherapy. He talks about mindfulness, awareness, and being an observer of your behaviour, ego, and patterns. And it doesn’t need to be the driver of YOU.

From an interview on The Knowledge Project hosted by Shane Parrish

That’s it for now. If you have any questions or feedback, or just want to introduce yourself, hit reply. I read and respond to every reply. All the best,

Sumit

(Twitter) @SumitGupta
(LinkedIn) Connect
Apr 26, 2022
Brave by Margie Warrell – Book Summary & Review

Being Brave Everyday

More often than not, people let fear take control and prevent them from achieving their full potential. Letting fear get the better, people often miss out on great opportunities that come by. The fear of the unknown can be terrifying, surely, but giving in to fear could make one miss out on a dream job, overlook a possible love interest, or even start one’s own business.

Margie Warrell’s Brave (2015) is a guide to being brave. It delves into strategies that one can apply to take day-to-day actions more courageously, and tap into ones full potential to thrive, succeed, and achieve. It discusses how fear stops people from living a fulfilled life, and how each individual can use certain tools to have the courage to get what they want to make their life better.

Face Your Fears

Facing one’s fears and taking action despite feeling fear makes a person stronger.

At the age of 13, when Warrell asked her son Ben what he wanted to do, he excitedly replied, “Sky-jumping.” While Warrell was scared for her son, and so was Ben, he did jump, putting aside his fear. This got Warrell thinking that the fact her son was able to overcome his fear was beneficial for his personality development.

Simply overcoming fear helps in strengthening one’s courage muscles. The trick to increase and strengthen one’s bravery and courage levels is to start small, with day-to-day actions.

For example, a socially awkward person who fears cooking can start small by inviting a few friends for dinner.

Every time one is reluctant to do something or take a particular action, one should note it down. Accepting and being aware that one is fearful of something is the first step towards building confidence and strength. It means one is accepting of the fact that they are afraid of the fear of rejection or failure.

Once the fear is identified, one should immediately take action, practically, without dilly-dallying. So one can begin by thinking about what one would want to do in the next few months if they felt really brave. Next, break down the associated fears with each challenge.

For example, a person who is afraid of public speaking might realize that it is not the act of speaking that is scary, but the possibility of failure, or others judgement that actually gives them the jitters.

The next step is to apply positive thinking. The person can then imagine what giving a successful speech looks and feel like. By imagining a positive outcome of what the person fears, he will be able to understand how it feels to move out of the comfort zone and will help in promoting the person to make a move towards facing fears.

Brave by Margie Warrell

Resist Conformity And Being True To Oneself

Being true to oneself and fighting off conformity pays.

A friend of the author, Carly Findlay, had a skin condition called ichthyosis, which resulted in her having a reddish skin tone, and no eyelashes or eyebrows. As a teen, this condition would often make her feel awkward around people, as she would stand out in a crowd.

Findlay learned to embrace her condition, made her differences her strength, and today, she is an advocate for those who do not fit into what people consider ‘normal’. Findlay learned to accept her differences and to not fear rejection.

Many people face a fear of rejection because they might be different from the normal, either due to their sexuality, appearance, or interests. But being true to oneself results in others accepting a person’s uniqueness. Moreover, one can truly be happy without needing to hide oneself.

This is especially true for children who do not conform to the stereotyped gender roles. If a boy has an interest in fashion, repressing his passion just so that he fits with the other boys around him, will result not only in hiding his talents but also making the boy unhappy deep down. Trying to fit within the norm, will lead to failure.

Acceptance of one’s own uniqueness leads to more natural behaviour, and more often than not others respond more positively to a true person.

Speak Out About What Matters

Fear keeps one from saying out loud the things that matter most.

Consider the life of Malala Yousafzai. Born in Pakistan in 1997, she was an advocate for girls’ education from a very young age. However, the influence of the Taliban in her region prevented women from being educated. By 2012, Yousafzai’s resistance to the Taliban, and her advocacy made her a target. A Taliban gunman shot her in the head. Miraculously, she survived, continued her fight for education, and went on to win the Nobel Peace Prize.

Yousafzai spoke for what mattered most to her, despite the danger to her life. People often are afraid to speak their minds, especially when in a group. Later, they regret not speaking up when they had the chance to. While they are not brave enough to stand up for their own beliefs at that moment, in the long run, they feel as if they have betrayed their own values.

This sense of betrayal is the cost of keeping silent, and it can be avoided. It is as simple as standing up for what one believes in. However, first, one has to be absolutely clear about what they believe in.

People often miss out on knowing and understanding their own beliefs clearly. If they articulate their crystal clear beliefs to themselves, they will be better at defending those beliefs.

For example, a person who finds racist and homophobic jokes distasteful, might not speak up against them because they have not clearly articulated to themselves, or dissected what amounts to discrimination in their dictionary.

The person can read more about the subject of why discrimination is on race, gender, or sexuality is unforgivable. This will prepare the person to defend their point of view and become more confident to express their views when the time comes.

The Basic Rules Of Speaking Up

Speaking up is difficult and needs bravery.

A few years ago, the author had the opportunity to work with a US Army colonel. Experiencing the battlefield, the colonel knew what courage is. However, when he was later dispatched to a pentagon office job, he realised that his job needed a different type of courage. He needed the courage to communicate clearly or even question his superiors.

Most people tend to avoid topics that touch a nerve in conversations, out of the fear of rejection. Speaking up about such topics needs bravery and courage too.

Consider an employee who is afraid to speak up about the fact she has been overlooked repeatedly for a promotion, despite her excellent work history. While her fear of approaching her boss keeps her silent, not being able to speak up honestly will make her resentful in the longer run.

She has a simple solution – to speak up honestly, and share her thoughts and feelings. However, this needs to be done properly. Blurting out or blasting off the pent up feelings will get her nowhere.

She needs to strategize and clarify first that she is putting forth a perspective, and not demanding a promotion. She needs to calmly communicate her feelings, make room for empathy and be open to hearing others perspectives as well.

Furthermore, she will need to understand the importance of keeping a person’s actions separate from the individual itself.

That said, she couldn’t say that it is ‘unfair’ that she has been overlooked for a promotion. That would imply that she thinks her employer is unfair, and that she won’t be able to see any decision taken by the employer as anything but unfair. This would be counterproductive and she would never be able to shake off her feeling of uneasiness.

Hence it is vital to not be judgemental of an individual but to be able to separate their actions from the individual.

Advocate For One’s Own Abilities

It is important for one to be one’s own advocate in order to succeed in today’s harsh, modern world.

Competition is rife in these modern times, and while humility is a valued virtue, it doesn’t always pay. Whether it is being the best at school, being the best dancer in class, or vying for the topmost position at work, people are pitted against each other to prove they are the best.

Those who cannot advocate themselves, or their abilities, get left behind. Even a qualified person, with the best abilities, gets trampled over if another less qualified person can show himself in a good light.

Advocating for oneself doesn’t mean that one has to be a braggart or resort to lying. However, it is important that one has the ability to present their skills and accomplishments in an appropriate way. One has to be professional about it while conveying the information to the right people at the right time.

Broadcasting ones own abilities might feel self-centred or egotistical, however, it is important to be able to tell others what one brings to the table. One has to think about what one can offer and research companies or jobs that can best use those skills to their fullest. The train of thought should run towards – how can these skills and abilities best help others, and where.

Thinking about oneself in these terms will make it easier and less uncomfortable about conveying and praise one’s own skills.

It is also important that one clearly understands which field they can work in best. Thus, when the time comes, advocating one’s own skills in that field is a passionate and genuine endeavour. This genuineness will enable others to view one in the good light that they wish people to see them in.

Make A Decision And Stick To It

Making a decision and sticking to it is important, especially during uncertain times.

The times we live in today are very uncertain. For example, while it was easier to keep a job for decades earlier, today the uncertainty of times makes it difficult for anyone to stick to one job for long. On average, a person moves through 6 to 7 jobs in a career span instead of 2 or 3.

Moreover, change isn’t predictable. Who could have predicted two decades ago that that salary margins would be so huge today? This flux makes it tough to predict the future and make decisions.

During the early years of their marriage, the author, and her husband Andrew, would spend a lot of time trying to figure out what direction Andrew could take his career in. They even thought that Margie could look for a second career in order to be able to look after the children. Eventually, they realised that there were too many unpredictable factors to forecast their lives and make a sound decision. It took time for them to accept it, but they gave up the futile exercise.

Decision-making is stressful, however, trudging through it, making a decision in an unpredictable future can be productive and brave. Counterintuitive as it may seem, the stress that arises out of indecisiveness is far worse than making an informed decision.

Additionally, it is important that when faced with a conundrum of decision-making, one has to find a common ground, rather than overdoing it and letting it consume you, or simply putting hands up in the air and giving up. For example, while trying to decide between a new job offer and one’s current position, it is surely important to think about it, weigh in the pros and cons, and make a final decision.

Finally, once the decision is made, it is as important to stick with it. Perfection doesn’t exist in this flawed world. Attempting to pursue perfection could only lead to a horde of missed opportunities.

Seeking Help Is A Sign Of Bravery

Seeking help from others is a sign of strength and bravery.

A friend of the author, Mona, worked in a high-power job in Dallas. As a working mother, she would pull all-nighters and be accustomed to others needing her help. She was, unfortunately, diagnosed with breast cancer.

Battling her condition, she now needed help from others. While as an independent, strong woman, she had difficulty accepting it initially; she learned that when in need of support from others, it is important to be able to ask for it. She also understood that it was futile to feel guilty about seeking help.

We are brought up to be strong individuals, and to be as self-reliant as we can, and seeking help is often seen as a weakness. But the real strength lies in asking for help, accepting one’s fragility, and showing one’s vulnerability to others.

The other benefit of accepting is that one needs help in understanding how the power of community works towards making an individual success as a part of a collective. After all, no one is alone, and one succeeds only when one accepts that there are others too, who have contributed to one’s success.

Accept Grief And Sadness

Grief, loss, and sadness are a part of life. It is best to accept it and make efforts to move on.

Trying to hide the pain of loss, or sadness, doesn’t get one anywhere. It is a difficult process, yes, but trying to mask the pain only leads one down the path of destruction. There are numerous instances where people resort to drugs, or alcohol abuse simply to hide from the pain they feel.

Such behaviours are mere distractions that seem to numb the pain for the short term. But in the longer run, letting oneself experience grief, helps one truly overcome it, rather than being stuck in a state of denial and doing more harm than help.

Letting grief take its time, helps one accept the situation and be able to deal with it better. It is thus important to give sadness full attention, take time to process those feelings and eventually, be able to move past it and let it go.

Many cancer survivors, in fact, state that getting cancer was the best thing that happened to them. Many have been able to get a new, fresh perspective in life, value friends, family, and life itself more, and even understand what is most important in their life. Acceptance of grief and the ability to emerge stronger on the other side makes one braver.

Conclusion

Being brave isn’t about taking risks or making huge decisions. It is about how one is able to handle simple day-to-day problems and issues, and come out stronger on the other side.

Being brave begins with stepping out of one comfort bubble, and exercising one courage muscles. Bravery comes in many different forms, whether it is accepting grief and loss, accepting that one needs help, advocating for oneself, speaking up, or sticking with a decision made in tough times.

Apr 19, 2022
Humble Inquiries [01] – Change, Pressure, and Uncertainty
This is the Humble Inquiries series. In this episode, Leslie joins me as my co-host to humbly inquire into Change, Pressure, and Uncertainty – which is one of the most pressing challenges leaders are facing today.

In each episode of Humble Inquiries, we are deliberately going to put ourselves in the uncomfortable space of not knowing the answer and humbly inquiring about these challenges – with the aim to provoke new thoughts, actions, and practices – to help us better serve our coaching clients, and also to help the leader in you navigate the biggest challenges – at life and at work.

Show Notes
- Leslie – “There’s no script for how to manage this”
- Sumit – “Rather than falling back to the old patterns which might have worked pretty well for a different era, for the 21st century, we need a new way of doing business and leading people.”
- Leslie – “You have to be humble to be able to do that with your team, with your whole organization, no matter what your role may be to open up and be a little vulnerable and create that space so that everyone else knows it’s okay.”
- Sumit – ” the first step is to acknowledge what it is and what it is not.”
- Leslie – “Grief happens with any change and ending really. There is no normal, that normal has ended and we all have experienced grief. Some of us are still in it, some of us are moving through it.”
- Leslie – “You have to allow the space and acknowledge what’s happening and still trying to work through it, not just wallowing in it, but giving space for it. And moving ahead. “
- Sumit – “Any emotion is not the problem. The problem is that we block the emotion. We don’t create a space to talk about it, to express it, whether it is with fear or anger or sadness.”
- Sumit – “The key thing here is taking responsibility doesn’t mean that you have to take a burden.”
- Sumit – “These are very small steps, but they can make a huge difference over a period of time. “
- Leslie – “silence is okay. “
As quoted by Edgar Schein in his book Humble Inquiry, an humble inquiry is recognizing that insights most often come from conversations and relationships in which we have learned to listen to each other and have learned to respond appropriately, to make joint sense out of our shared context, rather than arguing with each other into submission.
Apr 18, 2022
Issue #50, 12 Apr 2022 – Not Knowing is OK! Actually, it is great!!!
Welcome to the Deploy Yourself Newsletter, where I share what impactful leadership looks like to show your own power. I also share the most insightful lessons and stories I encountered in the last two weeks. You can also read this issue online.

Hey,

You do not need to see the whole way. And It is OK!!

In 2007, I started my first company. I had no idea how to start or run a company. Yet, we ran the company for 3 years.

In 2011, I said YES to organising an anti-corruption march in Bangalore, despite having no idea about activism or doing anything like that. Yet, in 40 days, over 400 people walked over 11km, and the protest march itself was covered in all major newspapers.

From 2011 to 2012, I started and ran an NGO on the side of my full-time work. In these 2 years, I created independent and volunteer-driven teams in 6 Indian cities of 5 to 10 people – each doing their own impact making work – including everything from ideation, fundraising, on the ground activities, and so on. Once again, when I did so, I had no idea how to.

Why am I telling you this? Because when I ask people why are they not pursuing their wildest dreams and things they care most about, the answer I often get is – “Because I do not know how to.”

Most people are stopped from turning their dreams into reality because they do not know how to. That seems like a legitimate reason, but it is not.

You do not need to know or predict how everything will play out before starting. Just like we can drive at night with the car’s headlight illuminating only a small fraction of the way, we all can move towards our biggest dreams without seeing the whole way. In fact, that is how all dreams turn into reality.

As long as you continue moving in the right direction (of chasing what you care about most deeply) and keep putting one foot after another, you will be OK. In fact, you will be more than OK. That’s all there is to make any dream less intimidating – to just take the next step you need to take or to have the next conversation you need to have.

In fact, the moment you get OK with not knowing what is next, it will become more than OK. The moment you can replace the dread and anxiety of not knowing with the curiosity and wonder of not knowing (like a child), you will not only be chasing your dreams but also having a great time while at it.

When you bring a child-like curiosity and wonder and focus on the next thing to do and the next conversation to have, nothing changes on the outside, and yet, everything changes in your experience of it. And ironically, that allows you to take more assured steps and move faster and turn your dreams into reality.

This is how I established myself as a photographer after I moved to Amsterdam in 2014.

And this is how I am currently establishing myself as a leadership coach after 16 years in the software industry.

What about you? What are you waiting for? What journey lies waiting for you?

Can you start small and just take the next step or have the next conversation – right now?

Reply back and share any insights – before or after you took that next step. I read and respond to every reply.

Articles and Stories Which Have Fascinated Me

One

The damaging effects of being bored at work

We all know what burnout is and why it’s bad. But fewer of us have heard of ‘boreout’ – a related phenomenon that’s arguably just as pernicious.

While burnout is linked to long hours, poor work-life balance and our glamourisation of overwork , boreout happens when we are bored by our work to the point that we feel it is totally meaningless. Our job seems pointless, our tasks devoid of value.

A 2021 study showed that 186 government workers in Turkey who suffered from boreout also dealt with depression, and high rates of stress and anxiety. Studies show depression from boreout can follow workers outside the office, and lead to physical ailments from insomnia to headaches.

Preventing boreout in workers, says Harju, can boil down to “plain old good leadership”, whereby leaders take time to communicate to workers why what they’re doing is valued and valuable.

If you think boreout is seriously affecting your health (either physical or mental), it may be valuable to ask yourself how you might be able to repoint your career path toward something healthier for you. Seek the advice of mentors, career counsellors or friends and family.

Find an article on BBC titled The damaging effects of ‘boreout’ at work

Two

A wonderful example of a “Working with Me” document

1. I’m always trying to learn

2. Experimentation beats debating

3. I’m not interested in being the smartest one in the room

4. If I ask for feedback, I actually want feedback

5. The “Who” in a project is as important as the “What”

6. I tolerate “foot faults” when we are moving at speed

7. I want to know what makes you passionate about our shared projects

8. You need to be a self-starter; I’m not going to tell you what to do…

9. …and that means you need to be very clear in what you need from me

10. Friendship is really important to me; if I can reasonably help a friend, I will

Everything you need to know about working with Reid Hoffman

Three

New book reviews, and Humble Inquiries on the podcast

I published three new leadership book reviews in the last month. Find them below:
In addition, I am launching a new series called Humble Inquiries on the Choosing Leadership podcast. I will be co-hosting this series with Leslie Wireback, and the first introductory episode is just out. Listen to it, and watch out for more episodes in the coming weeks.

Four

Why we do some tasks before their time? (Pre-Crastination)

Procrastination is a well-known and serious behavioral problem. Procrastination is the thief of time.

Pre-crastination is the inclination to complete tasks quickly just for the sake of getting things done sooner rather than later. Familiar adages also warn of the hazards of pre-crastinating: Measure twice, cut once. Marry in haste, repent at leisure.Look before you leap.

Pre-crastination clearly adds to the challenge of coping with procrastination. Not only must procrastinators start sooner to begin tasks they’d rather defer, but they must also inhibit the urge to complete small, trivial tasks that bring immediate rewards just for being completed.

The discovery of pre-crastination may suggest a way to counter the ills of procrastination. Break larger tasks into smaller ones. Such smaller tasks, when completed, will promote a sense of accomplishment, will bring one closer to the final goal, and, via trial-and-error learning, may support the discovery of even more adaptive or innovative ways of behaving.

From an article on Scientific American – Pre-Crastination: The Opposite of Procrastination

That’s it for now. If you have any questions or feedback, or just want to introduce yourself, hit reply. I read and respond to every reply. All the best,

Sumit

(Twitter) @SumitGupta
(LinkedIn) Connect
Apr 12, 2022
Humble Inquiries [00] – Intro Episode

This is the Humble Inquiries series. In this series, Leslie joins me as my co-host to humbly inquire into some of the most pressing challenges leaders are facing today. We have curated these challenges from conversations with hundreds of leaders in the past few months.

In each episode of Humble Inquiries, we are deliberately going to put ourselves in the uncomfortable space of not knowing the answer and humbly inquiring about these challenges – with the aim to provoke new thoughts, actions, and practices – to help us better serve our coaching clients, and also to help the leader in you navigate the biggest challenges – at life and at work.

As quoted by Edgar Schein in his book Humble Inquiry, an humble inquiry is recognizing that insights most often come from conversations and relationships in which we have learned to listen to each other and have learned to respond appropriately, to make joint sense out of our shared context, rather than arguing with each other into submission.

Apr 11, 2022
Blueprint (2019) by Nicholas A. Christakis – Book Summary & Review

The Social Suite OF Behaviour

Human psychology and social behaviour, much similar to the physical aspects of being human, are evolutionary. Human culture, friendship, relationships and even emotions such as love seem universally similar across cultures. Despite differences in race, gender, nationality or religion, humans are genetically predestined to behave in a particular manner.

Professor Nicholas A. Christakis’ Blueprint (2019), explores these similarities and shows how the evolutionary past is linked to the present.

The Blueprint Of Social behaviour

A universal blueprint for social behaviour is encoded in our genes. These instinctive genetics have helped form cultures and societies. As a child, Christakis and his brother were the only two Greek children on the Turkish Island of Büyükada. They quickly made friends with the local boys on the island, spent long afternoons playing, and even waged war on rival groups. Years later, Christakis reflected on these cross-cultural friendships. How did a group of children form close friendships despite having so many cultural and linguistic differences?

According to Christakis, his childhood friendships can be attributed to the mental manual of social skills, instincts and tendencies, which guide the behaviour of every human being. These universal traits are responsible for people across different cultures coming together to form groups as small as Turkish and Greek boys playing together, or huge societies and sovereigns of a million people.

Christakis called these traits the social suite of human behaviour, including tendencies to form friendships, to learn from and teach each other and even to love.

This social suite also forms a predisposition to favouritism. For example, in a study conducted in 2011, it was seen that children wearing red t-shits were favoured to mingle with and liked other children wearing the same colour. They even discriminated against those children wearing other colours. The researchers found prejudice was there even when the children were told that colours were given out randomly. This showed that humans have an affinity for ‘likeness’.

At the same time, humans are born with the ability to develop and recognize individual identities. Without this ability, there would be no discrimination, no preferences, and hence, the base of human social behaviour – love and friendships – would never exist.

Blueprint (2019) by Nicholas A. Christakis

How The Social Suite Works

Understanding how the social suite works, whether it is an inbuilt evolutionary adaptation or simply spontaneous reactions to situations, is difficult without conducting social experiments. However, such experiments would require raising individuals in an environment without any social set-up, without any pre-existing society, and would be life-long experiments, which would be ethically illegal.

However, studying shipwreck survivors can get us as close to understanding the working of the social suite.

Shipwreck survivors land on deserted islands that have no social infrastructure, or human establishments. In 1864, two ships, the Invercauld and the Grafton crashed on two different sides of a New Zealand island – Auckland Island – just off the coast of the mainland, not knowing that the other crew was there on the other side. The survival strategies of both crews were very different.

The survivors of the Grafton helped each other to survive. They ensured every man survived, worked together, and cooperated with each other in order to survive. They made a makeshift school and learnt from and taught each other while they waited to be rescued. All the Grafton survivors who were washed ashore survived.

The crew of the Invercauld on the other hand, left the weak men behind to die. They continually split up, deserted their sick, and were even known to eat one of their crew members. By the time they were rescued, only 3 members of 19 survivors of the crew remained alive.

As opposed to the crew of the Invercauld, the crew of the Grafton displayed and used the full social suite of behaviour. This proved that the social suite of behaviours is evolutionarily advantageous for survival. This blueprint of behaviours that are genetically universal to all humans helps in guiding behaviours in environments that are outside the norm.

The Blueprint Of Relationships, Monogamy And Love

Love is a universal human emotion. It is a deep emotional connection that transcends mere sexual attraction. However, according to experts, love for a sexual partner was in fact an evolutionary accident.

Originally, love as emotion was felt and expressed only towards one’s offspring. However, the emotional affinity, over time, extended to include mates and sexual partners too. Such evolution, where an adaptation is repurposed to another is called exaptation. The exaptation of human love from offspring to mates is similar to the evolution of flight amongst birds. It is believed that birds first grew feathers to keep their bodies warm. These feathers, later repurpose and evolved to be useful for flight.

The reason for the exaptation of love could have been to ensure that a family stayed together, to ensure the survival of an offspring, especially during pregnancy and child-rearing.

The human communities, earlier, were polygynous, and monogamy as a practice is only about two thousand years old. What made humans switch from polygyny to monogamy?

According to anthropologists, certain benefits and advantages of monogamy helped keep communities and societies safe. In polygyny, often men are left without wives. These men, leading unattached lives were less invested and leaned towards antisocial behaviour such as theft, violence and rape. This would destabilize a community and make it less productive. An example of this is seen in communities in China. Sex-selective abortions have led to a skewed gender ratio, and single men tend to lead more violent lives and die younger.

Monogamy on the other hand ensures that every man has a partner and that they lead longer attached, and more invested lives.

The Friendship Blueprint

Another universal human feature is friendship. The core values of friendship, namely, mutual aid, affection and trust, are seen in almost all human cultures. Acceptance of one’s vulnerabilities is another universal friendship trait. For instance, one would not mind getting teased by a friend, because deep down, one knows that the friend means no harm.

However, there are some traits of friendship that aren’t universal. For example, in 2005, when George W. Bush was seen holding hands with the Crown Prince Abdullah of Saudi Arabia, many Americans were surprised. However, his act was seen as a natural gesture of friendship by the Saudi Arabians.

In the United States, sharing personal information and regularly socializing are considered traits of a friendship. However, in some other regions, physical contact is a natural friendly gesture.

The definitions and traits of friendships differ from culture to culture. But why do humans engage in friendship at all?

Developing and maintaining friendships too have an evolutionary past. The early humans regularly faced threats such as illness, injury, lack of food, dangerous weather and predators. These threats were primarily threats to the survival of their offspring and people then needed to fall back on friends in their time of need. To some extent, this need exists even today, where one needs the help of genuine friends in times of need.

Techniques Of studying Cooperative Behaviour

The Amazon Mechanical Turk, a software system that enabled Amazon to hire thousands of part-time workers for small online tasks, was developed in 2005. It made recruitment and payroll according to work done easier.

The Turk system, social scientists soon realized, was ideal to set up artificial communities of users and to study their responses – in groups as well as individually – for tasks set by researchers. It was an exciting opportunity to explore and study the social suite of behaviours, and how the users would display these universal behaviours online. They could even study how the new online environment prompted users to behave in new ways.

When Christakis and his team were studying cooperation – one of the most distinctive human traits – the results were illuminating.

In one of the experiments, 40 different social networks, with randomly placed users were created. Each user in every network had a unique set of neighbours. One individual from every network was given a sum of money and was told to either give it to a neighbour or keep it to themselves. If the individual decided to give the money to the neighbour, the sum would be doubled, leaving the individual significantly poorer than the neighbour.

They were also informed that in the next round, the neighbour could choose to reciprocate. In this round too, the money would be doubled. Thus each network was given a choice to cooperate and make more money or to not cooperate and make lesser.

In some networks where everyone donated money to their neighbours, cooperation was seen as the norm. however, in networks where only one person kept all the money, defection was rife.

This experiment showed that while cooperation is a natural human behavioural trait, it can perish under certain conditions due to its fragile nature.

Social Tendencies In Other Species

Uncomfortable as it may seem, studies have shown that the animal’s humans experiment on and eat share many features of the social suite that humans have. Right from 1964, when the French surgeon Alain Carpentier successfully used valves transplanted from pigs in cardiovascular surgery, the world of science has been observing subtler similarities between animals and humans.

Evidence has shown that gorillas have their own language, rats can feel empathy and elephants have friendships among them. The study on South American capuchin monkeys showed that they have parallels with human behaviour. These primates, for example, exhibit the human trait of accepting vulnerability in front of their friends. They are known to put their fingers into other monkeys’ mouths, allowing them to gently bite down on their fingers.

These commonalities are attributed to evolutionary convergence, a process where different species arrive at the same evolutionary adaptations separately. Bats and birds for example separately evolved for flight. Apes, humans, and whales, for instance separately evolved to exhibit social traits such as social learning, cooperation and recognizing individual identities.

The reason for these similarities is attributed to the fact that these species have evolved in almost identical social environments.

Despite the differences between the physical environments, mammals such as elephants, whales, apes and humans evolved to survive. They needed to interact, live and grow in the presence of other members of the same species. Essentially, species that were able to socialize, exhibit behavioural traits such as cooperation, friendship and trust were able to adapt better to their environments and hence pass down their genes for social behaviours. Most social offsprings of these species were better able to survive. This natural selection, eventually, helped optimal social behaviour emerge. This optimal, survivalist behaviour is comprised of the social suite, developing separately at different times among different species all over the world.

How Culture And Genetics Helped Humans Tame Their Hostile Planet

Evolution and adaptation have enabled humans to live in extreme conditions from the freezing Arctic to the sweltering Amazon rainforests. This evolution and adaptation have been possible as genes have endowed humans to develop culture.

Evolutionarily, culture is ‘ the knowledge that is transmitted from one person to another, within a group, influencing individual behaviour.’ Moreover, culture itself is an evolutionary adaptation, wherein due to natural selection, genes have helped humans to create culture.

Genetics has made it possible for humans to have a long life, thus enabling humans to pass down information from generation to generation. Additionally, certain human psychological traits such as the tendency to mimic the behaviour of elders, and the desire for conformity between individuals, are tailor-made for culture to thrive.

Culture, akin to natural selection can evolve and adapt to the environment it needs to respond to. Great ideas emerge stronger than mediocre ones, becoming a part of the ongoing culture of a group, is similar to how genetic mutations can have survivalist advantages. Culture is, hence, critical for human survival.

Going back to the shipwreck survivors, many of these European adventurers perished due to a lack of cultural knowledge of their environments. Those who contacted the local human establishments in these unknown places had far better chances of survival. The natives had the knowledge of their specific environments, knew how to survive it and shared this invaluable information with those who were lost, increasing their chances of survival.

Conclusion

Humans, irrespective of their physical environments, share a set of social tendencies and traits known as the social suite of behaviours. Cooperation, the ability to learn, friendships and loving relationships, and have mutual trust are all part of this social suite.

While the social suite is intrinsic to adaptation and survival, the human aptitude for developing and preserving culture is equally important for the survival of the human species. Together, they form the blueprint of human social behaviour.

Apr 10, 2022