June 2019

Leaders Eat Last by Simon Sinek – From Hormones To Leadership

How did hierarchies come to exist? Why do only a select few lead? Is there really much difference between how societies functioned in the pre-historic era and how they function now? And what do all these questions and topics have in common?

Leaders Eat Last, by Simon Sinek attempts to answer these questions by delving into the science of neurochemicals – our hormones vis. a vis. leadership! How are our behaviors affected due to the natural functioning of our biology? And how do these neurochemicals affect leadership qualities?

The Biology Of Leadership

Our bodies release about 50 different types of hormones. Yet, dopamine, oxytocin, serotonin, and endorphins are some of the most talked about. That is because these hormones can by-and-large affect the behavior of humans. Our hormones have evolved over time to adapt to the conditions that surrounded us, by controlling and moderating our behaviors. Hormones are responsible for that even today.

Dopamine is the hormone that makes a person feel happy and content on completion of a take. For example, the happy sense of accomplishment one gets when they reach their weight-loss goals or if we find a lost key, is caused by dopamine.

Serotonin and oxytocin are known as relationship hormones because they affect our behaviors when we need to make meaningful relationships. Endorphins are the body’s natural painkillers. These disguise the pain of exhaustion as physical pleasure, making us feel renewed after a strenuous workout.

Because hormones affect behavior they have also shaped the way human society is structured. For example, the hunter-gatherers needed to feel the rush of endorphins to push them towards finding a kill. On the other hand, others who could not participate, we considered the ‘weaker’ section and were given easier tasks such as fruit gathering. These differences were the first references to hierarchy.

Additionally, hormones were responsible for cohesion within the society as well. Affection towards a leader, respect for the hunter-gatherers, etc. were behaviors that the hormones serotonin and oxytocin were responsible for. It explains why the weaker men would look up to the hunters or leaders have respect for one another and not jealousy.

Based on this understanding, let us analyse the relation between leader, organization, and how humans respond to these.

Leaders Eat Last by Simon Sinek

Feeling Safe With A Leader

Humans, being social, were conditioned to live in groups and form social circles. When there were a number of dangers such as predators, diseases, natural disasters, and other people, this group offered safety and ensured survival.

The concept of living in a group helped us feel secure. With security taken care of, mankind was able to focus on other tasks such as making tools, etc. that helped us to advance as societies. The human brain has also evolved to give priority to security and safety. This reflects in some of our behaviors today. For example, due to the security that a job offers, a person would continue to do it even if the work environment is very bad.

However, when we look at groups, it is the leaders who draw the ‘safety-circle’, protecting the members of the group. The members within this group protect and trust each other, and share resources. The leader also determines how large or small is the safety circle and to whom it extends.

Bob Chapman of HayssenSandiacre, allowed employees free access to the services and goods of the company. This trusting work environment helps in strengthening the bonds between the employees, who extended a helping hand to those in need, even in personal matters.

This shows that it is the leader who can create a feeling of safety and foster a healthy environment in the group.

Leading By Manifesting Culture

An organization isn’t all about its profits, shareholders, amazing products and services, and infrastructure. Its workforce and the culture that prevails due to that workforce, how they interact, approach issues, work together, treat their clients and customers, and prioritize values, are equally important.

Therefore it extremely important that a leader not only has knowledge of how culture influences the organization but also how to craft its culture and maintain it. This is because the culture runs through the fabric of the organization – from the leadership down to its staff at the lowest level.

An extraordinary example can be seen in the employees of the Taj Mahal Palace Hotel. In the year 2008, terrorists attacked the hotel. While some of the employees had managed to flee, they returned to help the guests staying at the hotel. Some of them even made human shields to protect the guests while they were escaping. About half of the people who perished in the attack were the hotel staff.

The staff put their customers before their lives. A clear indication of how the values of the hotel, and the culture were ingrained in the staff.

Empathy and Responsibility As A Leader

A leader is responsible for the group he leads. Therefore, if there is a gap between the leader and his group, it can cause severe damage to the organization. Moreover, if a leader does not feel responsible for the group, he becomes uncaring.

It is essential that a leader is empathetic. Without it, a leader could become emotionally distant from his employees, and the situation could be worse if there is a physical distance between the leader and his team. The leader would then never be able to see and understand how gravely his actions affect his employees. This is called abstraction.

The Milgram Experiment is a good example of abstraction. Volunteers called Teachers were asked to administer electric shocks – in increasing intensity from mild to potentially lethal – to another group of volunteers called Learners. Teachers did not know that the Learners were all actors and that they weren’t really being shocked.

The experiment proved that though many Teachers expressed uneasiness at harming others, it was apparent that the more the distance between a Teacher and a Learner, the more likely the Teacher was willing to continue. The experiment also showed that in a group where the Teachers could neither see the Learners writhing nor hear their (false) screams ended up administering a lethal dose.

When abstraction occurs, a leader cannot look beyond his own interest and tends to make decisions for others, which can be extremely harmful for an organization.

Selfishness And Dehumanization Of A Leader

Just as being surrounded by people of one’s group offers a feeling of safety and progress, being alone can make a person selfish and dehumanize other people. The Baby Boomer generation is a classic example. Being the generation that was born after WWII, they grew up in a thriving economy, were spoilt by their parents and thus, grew to become critical of authority and were self-centered, unlike their parents who came together in solidarity during war times.

This sense of self-centredness was clear in their acceptance of Ronald Reagan’s managing of the 1981 air controllers’ strike, where he sided with profiting companies over the well being of the workers.

Once a leader prioritizes profits of the business, technology, advancement, and the sheer strength and scale at which the businesses operate it becomes dehumanizing in a manner where leaders tend to view customers, employees, shareholders as abstractions or as tools to fulfill a business goal. Leaders stop considering them as a living beings with wants, feelings, and needs of their own.

Do you know what makes you happy? Or sad?

Addiction To Advancement

Technology and advancement have brought us instant gratification, which releases dopamine in our body once we feel it. Since this advancement and technology helps us get better and faster with our work, thus enhancing our performance, we need to feel the satisfaction and the gratification again and again. We become addicted to advancement.

We forget the value of stability and long-term satisfaction. Because technology makes everything as instant as ‘clicking’ a button we become addicted to the quick fix, eventually losing the patience to wait for results.

This can be well explained with any human rights campaign on Facebook. The moment we click on it, we get elated for doing something worthwhile so soon. We get used to the ‘quick fix’ rather than actually going out to volunteer for a cause we believe in. The release of dopamine that we get on clicking a button and being part of any campaign becomes an empty addiction.

Integrity And Bonding

Humans put trust in their leaders. Therefore it is essential that leaders have integrity. We expect that our leaders are honest about their mistakes and take responsibility for their errors. In fact, the feeling of safety that a group develops towards their leader is built on the foundation of trust and the ability of the leader to bond with the group.

Ralph Lauren Corporation, in the year 2009, found out that their Argentinian Branch was involved in bribery. The leaders informed the authorities and even agreed to help them, rather than cover –up the incident. In due course, they had to pay huge fines in penalties. However, they safeguarded their integrity and deepened the trust their employees had for them.

Bonding with the group is another important responsibility a leader has. If we see the US Congress, we will find that most of the members live outside Washington and travel there for a few days or a week. This has resulted in the lowest approval ratings in history today, as compared to the 1990s, where close cooperation between the congressmen and women resulted in making laws that reflected the closeness and regular communication between the members.

Service Before Self

Why would any group vote and put their trust in a leader that is ordinary? Wouldn’t they prefer to have someone extraordinary who leads with a clear vision in mind? The group follows the leader towards a goal and mission in spite of having their own individual goals due to the focused vision they have, that aligns with the needs of the group.

Microsoft is able to maintain its place in the market despite having huge profits because of the singular vision of Bill Gates – to put a computer on every desk.

When a leader leads a group towards a goal with a vision, he actually does the employee service, and not the other way round. A person becomes a true leader if he can understand the fact that leaders serve the people. Privileges aside, leaders should be willing to use their personal resources in times of crisis.

The most senior member is the US Marine Corps eats his meal last. This is because they put the needs of their Marines before their own needs.

Conclusion

A leader should understand that the members of their group do not follow them only out of compulsion (because they are working in the organization), or due to some personal gain, but also because being part of the group is a biological, chemical reaction that makes them want to trust and follow the leader.

Therefore, to be a leader means to firstly, guide the group selflessly, without having the want of success and self-promotion. Leaders should in fact work towards ensuring that all the members of the group have a fair opportunity to succeed and they help them reach their goals.

Jun 25, 2019
Daniel Goleman Reveals in Social Intelligence The Deep Impact Of Relationships On Everything

We are all social beings. The quality of our interactions in society affects our quality of life. The stronger social connections one forms, the happier they seem to be. Social Intelligence can lead to a socially stronger and less stressful society.

Intelligence is of many types. However, unlike IQ (that measures mainly cognitive abilities), our interactions in society can be measured using Social Intelligence. Social Intelligence refers to a person’s ability to be able to accurately read behaviors, understand emotions, and function appropriately in a social setting.

Social Intelligence (2006), penned by Daniel Goleman discusses the concept of Social Intelligence – an intelligence that is not measurable yet is crucial for everyone. It is the ability to understand others to create supportive, deep, and emotional bonds. It helps us lead more fulfilling lives and foster healthy social bonds.

One needs to understand the factors that affect social intelligence to develop and nurture it and to relate to others’ behaviour.

1. The Importance of Empathy

Empathy refers to one’s ability to read how people feel and why they feel that way. It also refers to one’s capacity to understand oneself in a social context. Empathy helps us understand how to appropriately respond by gauging what the other person is thinking during an interaction. It is essential not only while interacting with strangers, but also while interacting with people close to us. Studies have shown that people who show empathy towards their partners have successful relationships.

William Ickes, a psychologist at the University of Texas conducted an experiment with two participants who were asked to attend a meeting. They were them asked to review the recording of the meeting and try to infer what the opposite person was thinking during key moments.

One of the participants correctly guessed that the second participant looked and was feeling embarrassed during the conversation when she could not remember her teacher’s name. Another instance during the same conversation, the lady had zoned out. The other participant thought that she was thinking if she would be asked out on a date. However, she was thinking about a play she had seen. This demonstrated that everyone has a different level of empathetic ability.

2. Paying Attention Is A Challenge

In any social interaction, paying attention to the other person is vital. People often find it difficult to pay attention to others. Additionally, differences among people with respect to customs and beliefs also differ from culture to culture.

Japanese psychologist Takeo Doi noticed these differences in attention to detail and differences in culture when he visited the United States. On the day he arrived at the house he was staying, the family asked him if he was hungry. Though he was, he politely declined and went hungry.

He explained the differences in culture starting that in Japan, a guest’s needs would have been felt rather than asked, and due to the differences in culture, the Japanese would have been more attentive to a guest’s needs and food would have been offered without asking.

3. The Neuroscience Behind It

Our social abilities are also influenced by (yet not determined by) the ways our brain is wired. The neural circuitry and the amygdala play an important role in triggering the sensory cortex that is responsible for the response to stimuli.

An experiment conducted by Jerome Kagan, a Harvard psychologist studied reactions of babies to unexpected and unknown stimuli in the form of toys and linked them to later development in a social context.

He found that the children that showed negative reactions (and additionally protected by parents) were prone to shyness and timidity in later life. His research also concluded that shy and timid behavior in social context can be reduced by practicing more social interactions.

4. The Fear Factor

Some amount of fear is actually beneficial for emotional development. People who have been exposed to healthy doses of fear in their early life tend to be more adventurous.

Psychologist Karen Parker showed this by experimenting with squirrel monkeys. She regularly exposed 17-week-old monkeys to unknown monkeys in a cage. After they had been weaned, she moved them to a new cage with hidden places, nooks, and crannies filled with treats. She observed that the monkeys who had been exposed to unfamiliar monkeys earlier were the ones with an adventurous streak and willingness to explore the cage further, than the other monkeys who clung to their mothers.

It is essential, however, that the exposure to fear must be within limits of tolerance. Too many scary experiences at a young age will drive people to be timid later on.

5. The Effect of Testosterone On Empathy

A lack of social intelligence is triggered by a lack of empathy. Furthermore, a lack of empathy is related to narcissism and the effects of the hormone testosterone on social intelligence, especially in males. Fuelled by the hormone some males even tend to resort to sexual violence.

For example, a study conducted by psychologist Brad Bushman in 2003, showed that narcissistic men were more inclined to believe that rape victims “called for trouble” and that when a woman says ‘no’, she actually means ‘yes’.

Though it is not a conclusive outcome, it showed that testosterone to some degree affected social intelligence and the empathy.

6. The Impact of Stress

Practicing social interaction can prove to be stressful. Moreover, any form of stress can result in not only lower levels of social interactions but also in lower levels of immunity.

This is evident in a study by psychologist Janise Kiecolt-Glaser and immunologist Ronald Glaser in 1998. They saw a correlation between the declining health of caregivers and the daily stress of managing people suffering from chronic diseases.

However, whether the caregiver is a family member or a professional caregiver, one sure way to reduce the impact on health is to ensure a sound social support system. Such social support can help reduce the burden of caregiving, and eventually, reduce levels of stress.

7. Tackling Stigmas

It is a known fact that positive social interaction can speed up recovery from illness. When it comes to boosting recovery and health, healthy social interactions can make a positive impact on the caregiver as well as the patient.

However, the stigmas associated with illness can push a patient deeper into withdrawal making recovery more difficult. It is a vicious cycle that can be broken by ensuring that an ill person is surrounded by family and friends and has access to a healthy social network during their illness.

A study conducted by Brooks Gump and James Kulik in 1997, confirmed the theory and added that emotions are contagious and are reinforced, affecting behaviors.

8. Disability Or A Lack of Empathy

Children with learning disabilities are often neglected as poor performers when in turn, they only need a little show of social empathy and attention.

An example can be seen in the social and academic transformation of a schoolgirl – Maeva – who was labeled as a difficult child to one of the author’s friends who was a New York schoolteacher. The teacher provided the child with extra emotional support and paid attention to the emotional needs of the child.

Social intelligence is an essential trait for those in learning and development environments and does wonders for socially challenged children.

Key Message

Daniel Goleman explains that Social intelligence is crucial for everyone and is needed in all walks of life. It helps in leading healthy fulfilled lives and promotes forging stronger bonds and relationships with the people who surround us. It helps in building stronger personalities and can lead to a happier and more successful life.

Jun 21, 2019
Tribes by Seth Godin – Marketing Lessons
In today’s global village, the concept of a ‘tribe’ has become very important. As a word, ‘tribe’ means a group of people that come together (physically or virtually) due to a shared cause, under a leader or leaders who organize and represent the group. A ‘tribe’ is an essential unit of social organization. It can drive change and even resist it. Most importantly, a tribe helps an individual, a company, and a society grow.

How does a tribe have relevance in the corporate world?

Seth Godin, in his book Tribes, explains the importance of creating tribes in the corporate world. The book shows organizations how to create a loyal customer following towards their products and services and thereby creating a new status quo in the market.

Tribes by Seth Godin

Why Do We Need Tribes?

Humans have a need to socially connect and belong to a larger collective than a family unit. This need stems from the fact that man is social and needs to expand that social circle. Since the beginning of time, man has been a part of a tribe.

While in the ancient days, tribes were groups of people in the immediate vicinity which slowly grew to include community, language, and ethnicity. Later it included cultural, religious, and political tribes. Today, a tribe is as far and wide as the Internet, and yet as close and accessible as the smartphone in your hand.

The definition of the word ‘tribe’ gives us its three main factors – a group of people, shared cause, and a leader. These factors are common to all tribes – big or small – in the world. The shared cause that binds a tribe is the most important factor, because it enables members to internalize their values, ideas, and feelings towards that cause, thus making them driven believers instead of mere followers.

If we look at Wikipedia that was co-founded by Jimmy Wales, we can see that it is a tribe of over five thousand editors and contributors, who work towards a common vision of communally created, freely available information.

Today, with the advent of the Internet, tribes have become global eliminating geography as a barrier. Simultaneously, the emergence of social media has shifted the relevance from the size of the tribe to the cause and its method of communication. Therefore, tribes are essential in the corporate world to enable social media to market one’s cause and promote one’s values.

Creating A Meaningful And Exclusive Tribe

Why did Nokia not do as well with smartphones as it did earlier?

The answer is simple. In their success of creating a product that appealed to the masses, they missed out on exclusivity and creating meaning (technological advancement). While in the past Nokia focussed on creating a phone that was cheaper and easily available to everyone. They created a product that would be mediocre and not truly resonate with people, making them love it. Creating a product that is appealing to the masses has been a marketing mantra of the past.

Today, the answer lies in exclusivity, a trend that Apple found success in; that works even today. They chose to make a phone that would appeal to a select few. These few loyal customers would promote the product for the sheer love of it, creating a tribe of people who would have a shared cause – to believe in the superiority of the product they use.

Any product or service needs to have a meaningful story and should resonate and connect with the story of their users. A tribe around a new, exclusive product forms only when a user can meaningfully and personally identify and connect with it.

Anyone Can Create A Tribe

When we look at the third component of a tribe – a leader or a chief – we instantly think of a leading figure with exemplary qualities of leading people. However, today, creating a tribe has become as simple as opening a YouTube account and posting videos online.

Therefore, anyone can create and lead a tribe.

However, to lead it successfully, there needs to be intense communication not only between the leader and the tribe members but also between individual members of the tribe. Today social media platforms, blogging sites and websites, have made the technology available for the members of a tribe to communicate, share their ideas, and organize. Platforms such as Twitter, Facebook, and Instagram, Pinterest, allows the sharing of ideas, updates as well as discussion boards where all members can align their interests to a common goal.

If we see the example of Greg Glassman of CrossFit.com, we can see that he created a tribe by making one single platform for fitness fanatics to connect, exchange fitness ideas and programs, and even opt for certification and open CrossFit gym franchises.

Meaningful Cause + Will To Lead = Followers

The formula is simple!

A person with a ‘willingness to lead’ that finds a group of people who yearn for the same common ‘meaningful’ cause, will be able to gather a group of members or followers. Once a person taps into that existing yearning and creates an opportunity for them to connect, it results in the creating of a movement.

A movement, as defined by the former U.S. Senator Bill Bradley contains three elements –
- The narrative of the future or plan
- A connection between members and leader, and connection between the members themselves
- Having something to do.
A movement needs about 1000 invested members to be called a movement at all. At the same time, it needs a great story that creates a buzz among that group.

The success of Al Gore’s documentary An Inconvenient Truth started a worldwide movement about climate change. What made the documentary so influential despite the fact that climate change and its effects were not new knowledge?

Al Gore’s documentary gave like-minded individuals something to talk about, to share, discuss, and have an opportunity to do something. Without a buzzing story and the opportunity to promote change, coupled with Al Gore’s willingness to lead, he would have never created a tribe, let alone be able to lead it.

It’s Not About Growth

The obvious (and age old) belief about leading a group with a common cause is to make it grow. Yet, It’s Not About Growth!!

The most important factor that drives a tribe to success is how close-knit the members of the group are and not how many members are there in it. In comparison to the channel of communication in normal marketing, the channels that tribes offer are much more and thus much more effective. A tribe has 4 main channels of communication –
- Leader to members
- Members to leader
- Member to member
- Member to outsider
Of these, member-to-member communication is most important, because it promotes tightness within the group, strengthening bonds and increasing the feeling of exclusivity. This feeling can also be brought in, by focusing on differences between the insiders and the outsiders.

Steve Jobs ended up creating a whole bunch of passive rumor sites that were solely discussing new products, and sharing news, increasing the cult feeling.

Creating Motion From A Vacuum

The need for change or resisting the change emerges when there is something that is missing from the equation. Therefore, the vacuum that has been created needs a shift, a sense of motion. That is when change begins to take place.

The leader of a tribe – or say, in an organization – should first be the promoter of change. He should be able to step into the ‘vacuum’ and generate motion – or create a stir. How does one, therefore, become a tribe leader.

Leaders that generate effective motion, create, mobilize, and maintain a tribe are more than just famous, rich, or great orators, etc. Instead, they are charismatic by the virtue of being generous. The difference lies between being altruistic and authentic or egomaniacal and narcissistic.

They believe in the inherent value of the cause, even if means giving it out for free. That inherent value lies in spreading the cause to the right potential members who can add value to the tribe and its cause. The fact that Al Gore’s documentary was free for all, made it the starting point of the creation of his tribe!

More Leaders, Fewer Followers

Right from the time we are young, we get indoctrinated to follow others. Following parents, teachers, the school rules, are the rules of the society. However, those who always follow never become tribe leaders.

To advocate change, create a stir, and change the status quo, we need more leaders. Leaders resist rules and ask questions, understand the reasoning behind movements, and to promote questioning. They are the ones who seek change passionately and find those who seek it with them. Leaders create tribes.

Organizations need more leaders to advocate change without fear of retribution and damnation of themselves and their tribe. It ensures that there is more dynamism within the organization, yet it offers consistency when it comes to creating a movement towards a shared goal.
Jun 12, 2019
No-Drama Discipline – A Communication Guide For Parents From Daniel J. Siegel and Tina Payne Bryson

No one said that parenting would be a piece of cake. And it isn’t, especially when it comes to disciplining children. As a parent, it sounds natural to use traditional methods of disciplining such as time-outs or spanking. But deep down, all parents know that these have never really helped.

No-Drama Discipline (2014), by Daniel J. Siegel and Tina Payne Bryson, gives a fresh insight into disciplining children positively, without using traditional negative methods and by understanding the neuroscience of how children’s brains work when parents try to discipline them. This is a fantastic book for parents that are serious about being the best people they can be for their children. At the end of each chapter are exercises and discussion about the science behind it all.

In this book, the authors share the below 7 lessons for effective parenting :

1. The Importance of Learning Lessons

The conventional tried-and-tested methods of disciplining such as time-outs and spanking rely on punishment and fear. These methods have proven that children focus more on reflecting on how unfair their parents are or become more fearful of their parent’s actions whenever used. They do not emphasize on learning lessons from errors or the development of the child, often resulting in the exact opposite of what the disciplining is intended for.

To make disciplining fruitful, it should be more proactive, where the goal should be to get the child to cooperate and improve their behavior and eventually, relationship skills. To achieve this, parents need to first connect with their children in order to redirect them towards good behavior.

Solution: Parents should consider misconduct as teaching and learning opportunities.

2. Upstairs Brain, Downstairs Brain

The downstairs brain refers to the lower part of the brain that controls the basic functions of the body such as digestion, breathing, etc. and is well developed in children. On the other hand, the upstairs brain, the cerebral cortex, is responsible for cognition, empathy, and emotions, which is underdeveloped in children. Through the growing years of childhood, our brain forms new neural connections and grows ( a concept known as neuroplasticity – the ability to change physically.)

Therefore, it is possible to change the brain towards positive experiences by treating misdemeanors as learning opportunities rather than a channel for punishment.

Solution: Parents can use positive emotions and empathy to help the child’s upstairs brain to develop.

3. From Reactive To Responsive State

Children respond positively to communicative discipline. This helps in building stronger and loving bonds between the parent and the child.

Disciplining works when parents are able to steer children from a reactive state into a receptive state. In a reactive state, the downstairs brain is in control and children often throw tantrums, have a meltdown, and engage in acts such as yelling or screaming, or even get physical. Disciplining the child in this state leads to a feeling of resentment and the situation worsens.

Solution: Parents should try to get the child into a responsive state, where the child is able to calmly adapt to the situation. This can be achieved via an emotional connection. Creating meaningful emotional connections with children can help in the integration of the brain that promotes neural functions leading to upstairs brain development. While this might not be achieved immediately, patience and empathy will help in the long run.

4. Comfort, Validation, and Listening

Creating a connection with children will help parents to strengthen their relationships with them. This connection needs to be nurtured, especially if parents want children to accept their reasoning. It can be created and nurtured by comfort, validation, and listening.

Children who become unruly, misbehave, or engage in difficult behavior need comfort rather than punishment. The most effective manner in which a parent can comfort a difficult or unruly child is to use non-verbal gestures such as a hug, a pat on the back, or even an encouraging smile. This non-verbal comforting can then be validated by verbal assurance. Parents can encourage the child to talk about the emotion that the child is feeling.

Solution: Comfort and validation come with connecting, and listening is the key. Parents should listen to their children and reflect on what the child is experiencing.

5. Response Flexibility

Response flexibility refers to a parent’s ability to respond to behavior or situation based on the child’s age, level of mental and social development, and temperament. There are three ways to maintain response flexibility –

Keep your own emotions in check – This refers to keeping an eye or examining ones own mental condition before reacting to the child’s behaviour. For example, snubbing a child simply because the parent is irritated will aggravate the situation. Rather the parent should calm down before responding to the child.

Finding the Why – It is essential to get to the root cause of the child’s behaviour. Knowing the reason behind the misdemeanor will help in redirecting the child and understanding the child’s emotional needs.

Paying attention to our responses – The way we respond to children when they misbehave makes a big difference. Rather than responding with threats (If you don’t listen…) and snubs, parents should use a positive tone while responding.

Solution: Maintaining response flexibility and using positive responses also becomes an example of appropriate behaviour for children.

6. Developing Mindsight Outcomes

Children need positive emotional experiences that they can relate to. Therefore, parents need to help them develop the ability to use insight coupled with empathy to solve their problems. This ability is known as developing mindsight outcomes.

Disciplining using mindsight outcomes involves helping the child understand her own emotional experiences by listening and labeling what they feel with an empathetic view. Parents can also ask the child to try to find the solution themselves.

Solution: Mindsight outcomes help children evaluate their own behavior by either empathetically reiterating them, or by helping them develop a solution for their own problems.

7. No Lecturing

Lecturing children always results in defiance, rebellion and makes children feel like victims of injustice. While parents cannot always give in to the demands of their children, a calm explanation of why the parent says no to something is better than a flat-out ‘no’. Such redirecting of behavior also helps children cope with disappointment.

Another productive method is to allow the child to steer the conversation and voice out what the problem is, and then offer a solution to the incorrect behavior.

Solution: Redirecting the child to reflect and then provide a solution will ensure positive disciplining and help establish mutual respect.

Conclusion

Disciplining children is an opportunity for teaching them positive life-long lessons. Using empathetic reasoning to appeal to their upstairs brain, offering validation and comfort via listening, keeping responses flexible, and helping them develop mindsight outcomes will teach them to consider the impact of their behavior in a more natural way.

This is a great book for whoever would like to be a better parent. There are no big rules on how to parent but on how to be a better person backed by science, which in turn should improve your relationship with your child too. It does a good job of explaining psychological terms using laymen’s words.

Jun 4, 2019