There exists a profound distinction in both business and personal life that shapes nearly every interaction, negotiation, and relationship we engage in. It’s not merely a strategy or technique but a fundamental state of being—either Being the Buyer or Being the Seller. Understanding and embodying this distinction can radically transform your effectiveness as a leader, your personal happiness, and your overall success in life.
Two States of Being: The Essence of Buyer and Seller
At its core, the distinction between Being a Buyer and Being a Seller represents two fundamentally different ways of existing in the world. This isn’t about what you do—it’s about who you are at the deepest level, which then naturally shapes everything you do.
When you embody the state of Being a Buyer:
- You exist in a state of clarity about what you truly want
- You embody the freedom to walk away if what you want isn’t available
- Your very presence communicates power and choice
- You radiate a clear standard that defines who you are
When you exist in the state of Being a Seller:
- You live in uncertainty about what you truly desire
- You embody attachment to outcomes and fear of walking away
- Your presence communicates need or desperation
- You exist without internal boundaries, constantly willing to lower your “price”
The difference in outcomes between these two states of being is profound. The person who embodies Being a Buyer maintains their power, integrity, and self-respect while naturally attracting what they want. The person who embodies Being a Seller often gets worked over, manipulated, and feels diminished—sometimes without even getting the deal they were desperate to close.
The Executive’s Transformation: Why Leaders Must Be Buyers
For CEOs and senior leaders, shifting into the state of Being a Buyer isn’t just beneficial—it’s essential to authentic leadership. This is about who you are, not just what techniques you employ.
1. The Essence of Negotiation Power
When you exist as a Buyer in business negotiations, you naturally alter the energy dynamic of every interaction. Rather than existing in a state of trying to convince others to choose your product or service, you naturally screen them to determine if they’re a fit for what you offer. This fundamental shift in your state of being changes everything downstream.
As one of my clients once remarked: “If you’re the buyer, they’re lucky if you choose them. If you’re the seller, you’re lucky if they choose you.” This isn’t about tactics—it’s about identity.
2. The Embodiment of Standards Within Organizations
CEOs who exist in the Buyer state establish high standards that naturally permeate their entire organizations. By being clear about their minimum standards at the level of identity and comfortably walking away from opportunities that don’t meet them, they create a culture of excellence and intentionality.
One client shared how they turned down a speaking opportunity when the client tried to negotiate the fee down by $10,000. Instead of accepting the lower rate, they maintained their standard: “It’s this or nothing. I’m out.” The result? The client found a way to meet the original price. But importantly, even if they hadn’t, the leader was perfectly content to walk away—not as a strategy, but as a natural expression of who they are: a Buyer.
3. The Nature of Strategic Focus
Leaders who embody Being a Buyer aren’t scattered across a thousand initiatives. Their very nature understands that exponential results come from quality, not quantity. This state of being naturally translates into schedules that prioritize deep work and focused effort on the vital few projects that truly matter.
The Personal Transformation: Becoming a Buyer in Your Life
The Buyer vs Seller states of being extend far beyond the workplace. They fundamentally shape our personal relationships, our self-image, and our daily experiences from the inside out.
1. The Energy of Relationships
Many people unknowingly exist as sellers in their relationships—romantic, familial, and social. They emanate, sometimes subconsciously, that they’ll stay “at the table” regardless of how they’re treated (no boundaries or consequences of breaking them). This energetic dynamic invariably leads to imbalanced relationships where one party feels free to take advantage of the other or take the other for granted.
If you’re in an actual intimate relationship with someone that you know as a seller—like they’re just never gonna leave, you can do whatever you want to them—they will intuitively treat you as the seller.
The healthiest relationships occur when both parties exist as Buyers. Each person embodies clarity about why they’re there, radiates clear standards for the relationship, and naturally walks away if those standards aren’t met. This mutual state of being creates deeper connection and satisfaction.
2. Self-Worth and Mental Health
Constantly existing in the Seller state takes a severe toll on your mental health and self-image.
Conversely, when you exist as a Buyer—clear on your standards and willing to walk away—you naturally build self-respect. You embody self-value in how you treat your time, your work, and your contribution. This state of being is essential for mental wellbeing and sustainable performance.
3. Life Enjoyment Through Authentic Being
Being a Buyer means existing in a state of natural selectivity about where you invest your time, energy, and attention. This isn’t a strategy—it’s who you are, and it leads to higher quality experiences and relationships.
Most people go through life existing as perpetual Sellers, emanating desperation for any opportunity or connection. But those who embody Being a Buyer naturally engage only with what truly serves their goals and values. The result is a life of purpose, impact, and genuine satisfaction rather than scattered busyness.
The Inside-Out Transformation: Becoming the Buyer
Transitioning from Being a Seller to Being a Buyer requires an inside-out transformation—a shift in who you are, not just what you do. Here’s how this transformation unfolds:
For Leaders:
- Define your standard as part of your identity: Know exactly what represents you and what doesn’t. Make this standard an expression of who you are, not just a tactical position.
- Embody the capacity to walk away: Cultivate the inner freedom that allows you to turn down opportunities that don’t align with your identity, even when they seem attractive on the surface.
- Exist in a state that values depth: Create multiple days per week with no meetings, allowing for the deep work that naturally produces breakthrough results when you value quality over quantity.
- Embody different energies on different days: Like elite athletes, recognize that different days call for different states of being. Some days you embody performance, some days you embody deep focus, and some days you embody recovery.
For Individuals:
- Recognize where you exist as the Seller: In which relationships or situations do you feel powerless or desperate? These are states where you’re Being the Seller.
- Establish standards as expressions of your identity: For your relationships, your work, and how you spend your time, determine what aligns with who you truly are.
- Replace “have to” with “get to”: As one leader shared, he naturally frames experiences optimistically: “Can you believe we get to do this? Isn’t this going to be awesome?” This isn’t just what he says—it’s who he is.
- Align with those who embody your desired state of being: Surround yourself with people who naturally exist in the Buyer state you aspire to embody. Our state of being aligns with those we spend time with.
The Deeper Impact: From Transactional to Transformational Being
The Buyer vs Seller states of being ultimately represent a shift from transactional existence to transformational presence.
When you exist as the Seller, you emanate focus on the immediate transaction—getting the deal, maintaining the relationship, staying at the table. This short-term state of being leads to incremental results at best.
When you exist as the Buyer, you naturally focus on transformation—pursuing only what aligns with your highest standards and greatest goals. This long-term state of being leads to exponential results.
By existing as a Buyer, you naturally position yourself for these quantum leap improvements rather than the incremental gains that come from the desperate Seller state.
Conclusion: The Essential Choice of Being
In every interaction, negotiation, and relationship, you have a fundamental choice about who you will be: Will you embody the Buyer or the Seller?
The Seller exists in a state of desperation, constantly lowering their standards and price to stay at the table.
The Buyer exists in a state of clarity, embodying clear standards and the freedom to walk away.
One state leads to burnout, disappointment, and mediocre results. The other state leads to respect, fulfillment, and extraordinary impact.
The choice is not just about what you do—it’s about who you are at the deepest level. And it’s a choice you make in every moment of every day.
Choose wisely.
So ask yourself: In your current biggest challenge or opportunity, who are you being—the Buyer or the Seller? Your answer will determine not just the outcome, but how you feel about yourself along the way.
The most successful and fulfilled individuals—whether CEOs or everyday people—have embraced this truth: Life’s too short to exist as a Seller. Be the Buyer.