The False Choice Between Empathy and Authenticity: Why True Leaders Need Both
There is a dangerous myth that I have from multiple leaders that hold them back without they even realising.
It’s the belief that you must choose between being empathetic and being authentic (or assertive)—that you can have one or the other, but never both. This false dichotomy has weakened leadership at the highest levels and created generations of well-meaning but ineffective executives.
Read that last sentence again.
The Empathy Trap
“I can’t be completely honest because I need to be empathetic.”
“If I challenge them directly, I won’t be honoring their perspective.”
These thoughts likely sound familiar. They represent what I call the Empathy Trap—the belief that understanding someone else’s perspective means you must dilute your own truth.
Let’s be clear: empathy without authenticity is just weakness disguised as compassion.
When you withhold your honest assessment or avoid necessary confrontation under the guise of being “empathetic,” you’re not serving anyone—not yourself, not your team, not your organization. You’re simply avoiding discomfort.
Consider this common scenario:
Leader: “Sarah, your presentation was… interesting. I think clients will appreciate the different approach you’ve taken.”
What the leader actually thinks: “This presentation has serious flaws that will confuse our clients and potentially lose the account.”
Sarah: “Great! So I can use this approach for the client meeting next week?”
Leader: “Sure, maybe just polish it up a bit before then.”
This leader believes they’re being empathetic by sparing Sarah’s feelings. In reality, they’re setting her up for failure and denying her the chance to improve.
The Cost of Inauthentic Leadership
Every time you swallow your truth to spare someone’s feelings, you pay a price:
- You deny yourself the opportunity to advocate for your own values and vision
- You rob the other person of your genuine perspective—something they might desperately need
- You model conflict avoidance rather than healthy engagement
- You erode your self-trust and confidence by creating a gap between what you think and what you say
These costs compound over time. Organizations led by the “empathetically inauthentic” become places where difficult conversations are avoided, mediocrity is tolerated, and real innovation stalls.
Authentic Leadership Is an Act of True Empathy
Here’s the paradigm shift every senior leader needs to embrace: true empathy requires authenticity.
When you approach leadership with complete authenticity—speaking your truth, addressing issues directly, challenging others when necessary—you’re performing the most empathetic act possible. You’re saying, “I respect you enough to give you my unvarnished truth.”
This isn’t about being harsh or uncaring. It’s about recognizing that authentic communication, even when uncomfortable, is the foundation of genuine respect and trust.
The Power of Uncomfortable Authenticity
The most transformative leadership moments often emerge from uncomfortable authenticity:
- The feedback session where you directly address performance issues others have avoided mentioning
- The strategic meeting where you challenge a popular but flawed initiative
- The one-on-one where you express your genuine concerns about someone’s leadership approach
These moments of authentic leadership create space for growth, clarity, and alignment that polite avoidance never could.
Let’s revisit the scenario with authentic leadership:
Leader: “Sarah, can I be direct with you because this presentation matters? (after her ‘yes’) The approach you’ve taken has some fundamental issues that would confuse our clients and potentially put the account at risk.”
Sarah: “Oh… I thought it was innovative.”
Leader: “I appreciate your desire to innovate, and that’s exactly why I’m giving you my honest assessment. The core concept has potential, but the execution needs substantial work. Let’s block an hour tomorrow to rethink it together. I believe in your ability to nail this, which is why I’m not just letting it slide.”
Sarah: “That’s… actually helpful. Thank you for being straight with me.”
This leader combines empathy (understanding Sarah’s intentions and believing in her potential) with authenticity (providing honest feedback). The result is growth rather than failure.
Leaders Lead
The simple truth is that leaders lead. They don’t merely accommodate or placate.
True leadership means:
- Setting the standard rather than just meeting it
- Speaking necessary truths even when silence would be easier
- Challenging others to rise to their potential, not just accepting where they are
When you fully embrace authenticity in your leadership, you establish a new standard—not just for yourself, but for everyone around you. This is how cultures transform. This is how organizations evolve. Example:
Team Member: “I’m not sure we need to focus on quality improvement right now. Our metrics are within acceptable industry standards.”
Passive Leader: “You make a good point. We should be proud of meeting industry standards.”
Authentic Leader: “I understand the industry standards, but I didn’t build this company to be standard. Meeting the minimum isn’t our goal. I believe we can do better, and more importantly, our customers deserve better. What would it take to raise our quality score by 20% this quarter?”
This authentic leader refuses to accept mediocrity, even when it would be easier to do so.
The Both/And Approach
The most effective leaders understand that empathy and authenticity aren’t opposing forces—they’re complementary powers.
Empathy without authenticity becomes empty platitudes and conflict avoidance. Authenticity without empathy becomes harshness and needless pain.
The leadership sweet spot lies in their integration:
- Understanding deeply and speaking truthfully
- Recognizing feelings and addressing realities
- Acknowledging perspectives and providing clear direction
Practical Steps Toward Authentic Leadership
If you’re ready to break free from the false choice between empathy and authenticity, start here:
- Audit your communication patterns. Where are you holding back your truth out of misplaced “empathy”?
- Reframe difficult conversations. See them not as conflicts to avoid but as opportunities to provide value through honesty.
- Practice authentic empathy. Before challenging conversations, ask yourself: “How can I deliver this truth in a way that demonstrates I care about this person’s growth?”
- Raise your standards. Commit to being the leader who models authentic engagement, even when—especially when—it’s uncomfortable.
- Embrace discomfort as growth. Recognize that the momentary discomfort of authenticity creates space for lasting transformation.
Team Member: “I’ve been struggling with the new systems. I feel like everyone else adapted quickly, and I’m falling behind.”
Empathetic But Inauthentic Leader: “Don’t worry about it. You’re doing fine. You will learn everything in time.”
Authentic But Unempathetic Leader: “You need to get up to speed immediately. This is unacceptable.”
Leader Using Both: “I appreciate your honesty about the challenges you’re facing. It takes courage to acknowledge when you’re struggling. At the same time, I need to be clear that becoming proficient with these systems is non-negotiable for your role. What specific support do you need to get there in the next two weeks?”
The leader who combines empathy and authenticity acknowledges feelings while maintaining clear standards.
The Ultimate Leadership Legacy
Every senior leader leaves a legacy. Will yours be one of polite avoidance and conflict aversion? Or will it be a legacy of authentic engagement that elevated everyone around you?
Here is an example of what a CEO client of mine shared with his leadership team: “Let me share something I learned too late in my career. For years, I thought being a good leader meant making everyone comfortable, avoiding conflict, and being universally liked. I was wrong. My greatest contributions came when I found the courage to be authentically myself—to challenge when challenge was needed, to set uncomfortable standards, and to speak difficult truths. Don’t wait as long as I did to discover that empathy without authenticity cheats everyone of their potential.”
When you are fully authentic, even when it gets uncomfortable, you are setting an example and a high bar—for yourself and others.
The organizations that thrive in uncertain times aren’t led by people pleasers or conflict avoiders. They’re led by authentic leaders who understand that true empathy isn’t about making people comfortable—it’s about making them better.
The time for choosing between empathy and authenticity is over. True leadership demands both. Your team deserves both. And ultimately, your own leadership journey requires both.
The question isn’t whether you can afford to be both empathetic and authentic. The question is: can you afford not to be?